


No Black or White in the Blue

by MemoryDragon



Category: Marvel Ultimates, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst and Humor, But spoilers for everything before Cataclysm, Dark, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, It's finally come, LOOK MEM MANAGED SLASH, M/M, Marvel Universes Crossover, Natasha Feels, Natasha may have stolen the fic, No spoilers for Phase Two, Not Phase Two compliant, Pre-Cataclysm, Semi-Suicide attempts, Steve Feels, Steve Has Issues, Still no sex, Suicidal Thoughts, The Evil Plan, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Ults Tony makes MCU Tony look well-adjusted, and it only took one fic this time, off-screen death of a child, slight victim blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 50,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MemoryDragon/pseuds/MemoryDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anthony Stark just wants to drink and contemplate his failures in peace.  Unfortunately, Antonio Stark chose just that moment to appear.  Now Tony has to deal with an alternate version of himself, the tension between him and Steve, and the differences between the dimensions on top of everything else.  </p><p>But the biggest monster maybe too much for even two Tonys to stop...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Real Monster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laireshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/gifts).



> **Disclaimer:** I do not own the Avengers movie-verse or Marvel Ultimates, nor do I make any claim to. Also don't own the song 'Blue' by Mai Yamane/Yoko Cano, from which I've stolen the title.  
>  **Warnings:** Please note Ults Tony Stark is a self-professed higher functioning alcoholic. According to canon he's also had a few suicide attempts, and he does think about and doesn't quite care as much as he should about some of the fatal consequences of drinking too much. Keep that in mind, if you are unfamiliar with Ults and this is a problem for you. Also, there's a lot of talk about grief and the (off-screen) death of a child. The child's death was a little on the gruesome side, but there are no real descriptions of the event. Again, just take into consideration your own comfort levels.  
>  **Thanks:** Many thanks to narwhale_callin, who puts up with me sending her 50k of fic with a deadline. Also many thanks to Salmastryon for reading it as well and making sure it's Evil enough.  
>  **Notes:** I haven't seen an Ults/MCU crossover, so I figured it was about time the world had one. If you are unfamiliar with Ultimates, you really don't need to know much. None of the POVs are from Ults Tony, so all relevant information is new to MCU characters as well. However, there are spoilers up to Cataclysm (I wrote this before I read Cataclysm). This is set in a pocket dimension of time before Cataclysm, or an alt universe where everyone survives. I prefer to think it's the latter, but I'll leave it up to you to decide. Also, there are no spoilers for Cap 2, or really any of phase two (if I caught all the details I kept trying to add from IM3 and Thor 2) movie. I needed the arc reactor for angst. It happens.
> 
> The fic itself is around 50k and will be in seven chapters. I will update once a week, though I reserve the right to change the day from Monday to Wednesday if that ends up being an easier day for me. My work schedule changes every week, so posting times may be a bit hectic, but I promise this fic is finished and you will get an ending that is happy. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

Tony Stark stared at his drink, only barely resisting the urge to smash it against the wall. It wouldn't solve anything. Tony was pretty sure it wouldn't even give him momentary satisfaction. But the urge to destroy, especially destroying something that he owned, was nearly overwhelming.

He didn't throw the scotch, nor did he retch up the empty remains of his stomach. He'd already gotten one tongue-lashing from Captain America today, and he didn't need to call Steve's attention to his faults again. Besides, throwing the glass against the wall would be wasting perfectly good alcohol, and Tony wasn't too sure he'd hit it properly with the remains of the concussion still battering at his skull.

Getting rip-roaring drunk despite his concussion would be a decent alternative to not throwing the glass. It would also net him another Cap lecture, but he would be too drunk to care about what Steve thought of him. It's not like Steve could really think less of him right now. If he was going to be a fuck up and a failure, might as well go all the way.

Tony threw back the scotch like a shot, relishing the burn as it scorched his throat. Not his good scotch, but the cheap stuff. The kind that wouldn't go down easy, because he didn't deserve easy right now. He could feel how quickly it was hitting his blood stream on an empty stomach, and he poured another drink. With luck, he'd soon be too drunk to care.

He wasn't nearly drunk enough yet to be hallucinating bright flashes of light, however. That put a kink in his plans. "JARVIS!" he called out, shielding his eyes as he ducked down. "Launch the-"

"I come in peace," an extremely familiar sarcastic voice said. Tony knew that voice intimately - he'd seen enough videos of himself to barely even notice the distortion from hearing it outside his own mouth.

He peeked out from under the table and blinked at what he saw with his now cleared vision. This was the sort of thing that happened after half a bottle, not one glass. Seriously, he was no where near drunk enough to be hallucinating himself in a suit of unfamiliar - yet also unmistakable - Iron Man armor. The other him had the face plate up and was staring mournfully down at an empty martini glass clutched daintily between the armor's jointed fingers. "They said the alcohol wouldn't survive the trip," the other him said sorrowfully. "But I really did hope. You wouldn't happen to be willing to share some high quality vodka, would you?"

"JARVIS!" Tony shouted.

"Suit incoming, Sir," JARVIS replied.

"Ah, you have an AI JARVIS too," the other him said with a fond smile appearing on his face. "Nothing beats the original though. Hello, JARVIS."

JARVIS didn't respond, instead wrapping the suit around Tony after it appeared down the hall. "Alert the other Avengers," Tony said as the face plate snapped down. He brought up his arm, the repulsor whining to life. "Who are you?"

"I should think that was obvious. JARVIS helps control the suit?" his reflection asked, eying Tony's armor curiously. Now that Tony was looking, he was able to spot the differences. Whoever the hell this was, he wasn't a perfect clone. His hair was floppier, face more gaunt. His skin had a light pallor Tony associated with some of the kids he occasionally visited in the hospital, of someone who had been sick for a long time. The armor was definitely different, with more sharp angles than Tony preferred in his designs.

"I did say I come in peace," his doppelganger said, seemingly unconcerned.

"Tony, what-" Steve said as he rushed in, in uniform (probably just back from training, Tony thought, mentally reviewing Steve's schedule in his head) and shield raised. He looked at the real Tony, who had the face plate down, then at the doppelganger who was without helmet, automatically moving to the doppelganger's side. "Is something wrong with the armor?" he asked doppelganger, eying the empty martini glass with disapproval.

Tony felt a little betrayed, especially since Steve was obviously noting the differences. He supposed that was what he got for keeping the face plate down when there were two of them. Honestly, the armor goes on a blitz one time, and everyone assumes the armor is empty now. He'd fixed that glitch! "Cap, get away from him!" Tony said, flipping his face plate up so Steve could see he was actually inside.

Steve jumped back, his shield coming up to the right intruder now. He looked between the two of them, then narrowed his eyes at the doppelganger. The other Tony waved. "Who are you?"

"Such hostility," the doppelganger said with a sigh. "All I did was ask for a drink. You're not one of me that's gone sober, are you?"

The other Tony shuddered, a motion that oddly transferred through the armor. Then he looked down at the bottle on the table that Tony had been drinking from. "Ah, good. Apparently not. Scotch? Unless things are very different here, not the high end kind either. I only drink cheaply when I want it to burn."

His eyes - blue eyes, Tony realized with a start, looked surprisingly full of sympathy. "I suppose it's an understatement to say you've had a bad day?"

Tony felt his own eyes widen as he stared back, anger boiling up. "How do you... Who the hell are you?" Tony snapped.

"Sorry, I'm not used to actually having to introduce myself. It's quite a novel experience," the other Tony said with another little wave. Then he switched his martini glass over and offered his right hand out as if to shake. "I've always wanted to meet myself. Hello! I'm you."

Tony didn't lower his arm, repulsor still glowing threateningly. The doppelganger lowered his hand, looking imploringly at Steve.

"Time travel?" Steve asked, looking a little lost.

"I suppose that's technically possible," the doppelganger said, looking around. "But if this is the past, I've never been here before, and if this were the future, _you'd_ remember me doing it, so probably not. And... Well. Fuck me. Brown eyes. I wasn't expecting that." The doppelganger was now peering at Tony thoughtfully, coming in closer despite the weapons trained on him.

"What were you expecting then?" Tony asked, a little taken aback.

"Alcohol of some sort. A vodka martini, specifically, though I'll make do with scotch if need be. Being sober isn't something I make a habit of, old boy," the other Tony said. Then he sighed, setting down the empty martini glass, holding his hands up with the repulsors powered down. "I surrender. Take me to your leader."

"What's the emergency?" Clint panted, out of breath as he ran into the room. In retrospect, Tony should have been more specific when he said to sound the alarm, but this was epic levels of weird so he couldn't be blamed for not being on top of things. "I heard that... What the fuck? No, what the actual fuck? Why are there two Tony Starks?"

The doppelganger smiled and waved again. "Hello, Clint. Glad you could join us."

"Fuck my life," Clint said. "No. I can't handle two of them. You deal with this, Cap."

"Hawkeye," Steve said warningly.

"Can I mention again I come in peace?" the other Tony said. "I'm Tony Stark from another dimension. I'm on the Ultimates, just like all of you are, but with a few differences."

"What are the Ultimates?" Clint asked.

For the first time, the doppelganger looked nonplussed. He waved at all of them. "You're not called the Ultimates?"

"Avengers," Tony said, resisting the urge to repulsor his other self into submission and let the spies take him in for questioning.

"Fury's special ops?" the other Tony said bafflingly. When none of them responded, he looked thoughtful. "No, I can't imagine Fury having any version of me on his special ops unit. How peculiar. Either way, just because I'm from another dimension doesn't mean I'm here to take over the world."

"Wouldn't be the strangest thing that's happened to us," Natasha said.

The other Tony spun at the sound of her voice, his eyes widening, and Tony knew that look. That was the look Tony had upon seeing nightmares, gasping in the middle of the night as he looked in the mirror and fought off the sensation of drowning. The look was gone seconds later and replaced by a cold stare Tony was completely unfamiliar with. Tony had seen himself angry before, but this was something different, something more frightening. For the first time, the doppelganger raised his hands in defense, a repulsor whining to life. "Natasha," the other Tony said, his voice cold. "Fancy seeing you here _alive_."

Tony could see his team moving, planning to take the blue-eyed doppelganger down. He was all too familiar with what would happen to them if they attacked while the other Tony was in this state though. Only Cap was armed, and the other Tony wasn't in a frame of mind to hold back. He calculated the possibilities, searching for a way to end this quickly. Sadly, the only one that was plausible was the one that meant taking this doppelganger at his word. Either that or throwing them both out the windows, and Tony wasn't keen to break the Tower again. He thought back to the hastily covered look the doppelganger had had, and made his decision.

"JARVIS, open the suit," Tony said quietly.

"Sir, that's an unwise course of action at this-"

"Open it," Tony ordered, watching as the suit gave way. He stepped out of it, walking towards his double with his hands in the air.

"Tony, what are you doing?" Steve demanded. "Get back in the suit!"

Tony ignored him, staring into a pair of steely blue eyes. "It's okay," Tony said, walking forward calmly. "Natasha's on our side."

"The bitch makes you think that," the other Tony spat. He didn't lower his arm. "Tell me, _comrade_ , are you after Stark bank accounts here as well, or haven't you found any children to murder?"

"I don't have an interest in harming children or Tony's money," Natasha said with a shrug, but she followed Tony's lead, putting away the small dagger she'd reached for. She held her hands up in surrender to show she was harmless. Not that the Black Widow was ever harmless, but it was the thought that counted. "I'm not here to hurt anyone, much less the team."

"Tell that to Barton's wife and kids," the other Tony said.

"For the record, I don't have a wife _or_ kids," Clint offered, but the doppelganger's repulsor's didn't power down.

By this time, Tony was close enough to put his bare hand on the doppelganger's gauntlet, pressing down lightly. Without his own armor, he had no hope of pushing it down if the other Tony didn't want to let it, but he kept the steady pressure up. "If you're from another dimension," Tony said soothingly, "there's going to be differences. She's not a bad guy here."

"Would you know it if she was?" the other Tony asked.

In the silence, Natasha smirked. Because no, they really wouldn't.

But that wasn't the point. "She's not this time," Tony said, hoping that he was telling the truth. He didn't want to think about the Black Widow going rogue. That was a terrifying thought, though death by Natasha's thighs was probably one of the better deaths Tony could think of.

"Is that so?" the other Tony asked suspiciously. "Has she slept with you?"

"No," Tony said, his right eyebrow twitching, which he tried to disguise as a sarcastic eyebrow raise. "Definitely not."

The other Tony narrowed his eyes. "You know, you look remarkably like I do when I'm lying. It seems we have the same tells."

"Wait, seriously?" Clint asked, peering at Tony, then at Natasha. "What the fuck? You _are_ lying. How did I not know this?"

_Now_ Tony panicked. He turned to face Natasha fully. "This doesn't count as me telling!"

Natasha sighed, but she didn't look like she was about to kill him. Steve, on the other hand, was furious. Tony fought back a wince. "It was one night," Natasha clarified before Steve could say anything, which Tony appreciated immensely. She couldn't be that mad at him for letting the cat out of the bag if she was bailing him out. "We had a bet about his... reputation. The best way to settle it was to find out personally."

"It was a hell of a night," Tony added.

"So?" Clint said in the silence that followed. "Inquiring minds want to know. Does he measure up?"

"To say he measured 'up' is an understatement," Natasha replied with a smirk. "His reputation is _very_ solid and well earned."

Tony allowed himself to be smug about that. Extremely smug.

"Stark, Widow, not the time," Steve bit out, his face flushed. Tony was sad to say he couldn't tell if it was embarrassment or anger, but he was leaning towards the latter with the fact that the hand not holding the shield was in a fist.

The other Tony watched the exchange silently, and Tony could feel him wavering even through the armor as his hand shook. "Come on," Tony said, returning his full attention to his other world counterpart. "Let's get you out of the suit. Then you can tell us why you're here."

"I don't..." the other Tony said, the hard look in his eyes turning lost and broken.

Tony knew what would help. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted the others to know, since it was his weakness too. Still, there wasn't much choice. He reached up, feeling short outside of the suit. He ruffled his other self's hair gently, ending the motion on his cheek. The motion was both intimate and soothing; Tony thrived off touch, and it was the best he could do when so much of his other self was hidden away in the armor.

His doppelganger flinched at first, but didn't pull away. Instead he leaned into the hand like a cat, closing his eyes and taking a shuddery breath. He lowered his arm, and the repulsor powered down. "As long as you promise alcohol," the other Tony said, his voice shaky.

"The best vodka I have," Tony promised. He ignored the disapproval that was in Steve's eyes. He kept his own eyes on the Tony Stark from another world. The other him looked exhausted after the exchange.

"Alright. But I'll need help getting out of it. Mine doesn't release as your does," the other him said, not quite going limp against Tony. There was no way Tony could have supported the armor's weight, not to mention this other him looked more muscled than him. But the other him leaned against Tony, enough to feel the pressure of someone else's weight through the armor. Tony knew that trick, to convince his mind that he could actually feel them, and he didn't lean away. After one last look at Natasha that was a mix of longing and betrayal, the other Tony let himself be turned away.

He led his other self (fuck his life, that this was a phrase he had to use) down to the workshop, followed by a very unhappy looking Captain America. Tony was just about through with Cap's posturing today. "You don't have to follow us," Tony muttered, glaring Steve's way.

"He's in the armor. You're not," Steve said, returning the glare. Tony looked away from Steve's eyes, unwilling to face the anger there just yet. Not when he deserved it.

He felt a metal hand pat him on the shoulder. "Let him growl manfully and pretend you need protection, old boy. He likes that, and it makes him easier to deal with. Much less grumpier. And heaven forbid Captain America be grumpy."

"Prozac wouldn't work on him, for one," Tony replied.

The other Tony still looked shaken, but he smiled back weakly as Steve snorted. "Neither does alcohol," the other him lamented. "Sometimes I miss the days he was having regular sex, because all that liberty and disapproval were focused elsewhere."

"I what?" Steve said, faltering in his steps.

"You mean he loosens up when he gets laid regularly?" Tony asked, because this was pertinent information.

"He hasn't done that here yet?" the other Tony asked, some of his normal humor returning. "I wouldn't say he loosens up, but he's more focused on disapproving how little women wear nowadays that he lets up on disapproving of our alcohol habits. That does put his relationship with a married woman into perspective."

" _Married_?" Steve asked, looking completely aghast. "I wouldn't..."

Now the other Tony looked positively _cheerful_. "Oh, wait till I get back to tell Cap his other self was appalled by his affair with..." His blue eyes clouded over for a moment, and he paused, shaking his head. "Then again, perhaps best not to mention her now."

There was history there, and Tony could see the death those eyes had seen. Under normal circumstances, this would be Tony's cue to change the subject and tease Steve mercilessly for cuckolding another man. Things were still too tense between them, however, so Tony just led them down to the workshop without another comment.

Getting the armor off was a tedious affair, since the locks and clamps were different from Tony's suit, and they couldn't use the rig he set up on the balcony without extra programming. Tony would work on that tonight (and take a look at his other self's armor, because Tony was curious about the green fluid. Plus the circuits he had seen were downright _sexy_ ), but for now they worked in silence. With Steve there, it was hard to talk, and Tony wasn't exactly in the mood to ask questions.

The silence lasted until Tony took the chest plate off, and there was no blue light underneath. He looked up at his other self in surprise. His own arc reactor was covered by the suit he wore, its light hidden, but this Tony was wearing an undershirt and boxers, no where near enough to cover up the arc. What Tony could see of his chest was unscathed. If there was no arc reactor and no visible scars, then why...

"You don't have-" Steve started to say. He cut off at Tony's sharp signal. If the doppelganger didn't have a reactor, he didn't need to know Tony did. His other self looked at them curiously, but didn't comment. It gave Tony a lot to think about, an alternate version of him with no hole in his chest.

Tony was _not_ pleased to see that his blue-eyed other self was a little taller than him outside of the suit. Still, Tony's three-piece suits still fit even if they were a little tight around his doppelganger's frame, so once the other man was properly attired, they went back up to the communal floor to meet with the others.

The other Tony did not look in Natasha's direction as he entered the room, resolutely ignoring the fact she existed. He did give Thor a smile, even if Bruce warranted a surprised look.

Tony, for his part, went straight over to the bar. He fixed a martini with three olives and a glass of his good scotch (no point in letting the team know now that the other him had announced that habit) for himself. "Anyone else drinking?" he asked.

There was a stern look of disapproval from Steve that quelled Thor and Clint. "Black Russian, if you can make it," Natasha said in a show of solidarity. Tony knew he liked her.

"For you, hot cakes, anything," Tony replied dryly. He mixed the vodka and Kahlúa, carefully bringing over all three drinks. The other Tony toasted him, half turning to Natasha before he stopped himself.. "So, what's the story? I'm assuming the jump was intentional, not accidental," Tony said, sitting in the arm chair rather than his usual place next to Steve and Bruce.

"You know, the usual. Stolen Stark tech," the doppelganger said. "Looking for someone who stole plans from my brother's personal files."

Tony blinked. "Brother?" Clint asked, all eyes turning to Tony.

"Our twin," the other Tony said, also looking curiously at Tony now. "How is dear Gregory doing in this world?"

God, Tony didn't think their world could support Stark _twins_. "Only child," Tony said, holding his hand up to reassure the others. "Never met any family members named Gregory."

The other Tony looked down into his martini with a blank expression. "Ah," he said. Tony wondered what had happened to Gregory. "I don't suppose I'd be able to talk to him here then. Pity."

"What happened to your twin that you cannot talk to him in your world?" Thor asked, despite Natasha's warning glance.

"I turned the machines off," the other Tony said darkly, throwing back the martini before continuing on as if the question hadn't been asked. "I'm sure you're all aware that most people consider me a genius. So when I say Gregory was ten times smarter than me, I'm sure you'll realize the full extent of the problem."

Tony didn't like the thought of having someone ten times smarter than him as a brother. He could hear the carefully hidden underling resentment in his other self's voice, so he didn't think he was the only one. "Your twin made weapons," Tony said, a growing feeling of dread settling over his shoulders.

"He had fewer moral qualms than I did," the other Tony replied. "What was the phrase Nick liked to use? Ah, yes. _Amoral_. Just the way he liked his pet geniuses. Up until they turn on him and frame him for treason, at any rate."

Tony got up to mix another drink, pushing away the unease he felt. Once, long ago, Tony had wondered if he'd be less lonely with a sibling or other family members about. He was now extremely glad he'd never gotten that wish. He set the drink in front of the other Tony, before topping up his own scotch.

"So you had an evil twin who made weapons, and the plans for one of those weapons has been stolen?" Clint asked. "How does that even work? I mean, evil twins are supposed to be dark haired and evil, but Tony already sports the facial hair."

Bruce hm'ed. "Clint, not everything plays out like the movies."

"Gregory was blond," the other Tony said helpfully.

Clint's mouth hung open. Tony just ignored him with the same fervor the other Tony ignored Natasha. "Why come here? Seems a bit far to catch a thief," Tony said.

"Apparently the thief ran through a dimensional portal generator SHIELD has been studying when he was trying to escape. Whether it was Reed's or Mysterio's technology, Monica wouldn't tell me. She doesn't want me snooping around more than I already do, but my bet is on something Reed made before he went crazy," the other Tony said. Tony didn't recognize the name Reed, but he knew that particular brand of casual his other self was putting off. The hatred there was covered well, but Tony knew himself too well. "So the Ultimates are split up through the most likely of the dimensions," the other Tony continued. "If we don't find anything by the end of two weeks, then the portal opens up again to take us home."

"So that means it might not even be in this dimension," Steve said thoughtfully. "Do you have any way to track it?"

"It would be like searching for a needle in a haystack if we didn't," the other Tony said dryly. "Thankfully, the thief stole a few other things of note, one of which gives off some low level but unique radiation. The others have trackers; I have my suit which can do more or less the same thing."

"And do you know what kind of plans they stole?" Tony asked softly.

"Greg isn't exactly around to ask," the other him said, any grief he might feel securely locked away. "I'm afraid my dear twin didn't leave any records with me, and the thief wiped the memory banks after he got the information. Your guess is as good as mine."

"Good old Stark Paranoia," Clint said.

"Better safe than sorry, is that why you're looking for whatever it is?" Natasha said, speaking up for the first time.

The other Tony went still, and Tony wanted to put a hand on his back, but he was too far away. "As the lady says," the other Tony said, staring down at his drink with an expression even Tony couldn't quite name. "I don't think this dimension deserves anything my brother could come up with."

"Then we will aid you in your search," Thor said.

"But I want at least one of the Avengers with you at all times," Steve added quickly.

"Trust is so hard to come by," the doppelganger said with a sigh. He drank his martini slower this time, with a calm expression, though Tony could see how he gripped at the glass. He was like a duck in the water - calm on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath.

"Let's go down to the workshop. I can take the first watch and see if I can't help you trace the radiation," Tony said, hoping to get a better look at his other self's armor.

"Thor, go with them," Steve ordered.

Tony spun around, furious at the command. He'd had enough of Captain America right now. "So now you don't trust _me_ anymore, is that it?" Tony shouted, fingers curling around the glass in his hands as he made an effort not to throw it.

Steve looked like Tony had slapped him for a moment, before anger replaced it. "That's not what I'm saying, Tony. You-"

"Whatever," Tony interrupted, pivoting on his heel. "I'm out of here."

* * *

"Very smooth, Rogers. I'd say that was quite suave," the other Tony said. Steve winced at the anger he could hear in the remaining Tony's voice.

Steve felt his shoulders slump. "I never meant to imply that," he said.

"I'm having trouble discerning what else you could mean, and it's not due to the clouded thinking of an alcoholic," the other Tony said, following after this dimension's Tony without another word.

"I just... They think too much alike. The other Tony could..." Steve looked down, closing his eyes. He'd screwed that up.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Thor. "I will watch over them, Shieldbrother, do not fear. I'll try to convince them you meant well," the alien (Steve refused to acknowledge him as a god) said, smiling kindly.

"I better go along as well to make sure they don't blow up the Tower," Bruce said, looking worried. "Double the Tonys means double the trouble."

Clint chuckled. "Yeah, good luck containing that one, Doc."

As Thor and Bruce left the room after the Tonys (sometimes Steve missed the past, if just because it was less complicated. Hydra was evil, end of story. And he didn't have to deal with alternative versions of a teammate he was sweet on both being angry at him), Steve traced his shield. He took comfort in the one constant in his life, even if it led him to this.

"Tony and I sleeping together was before you and him started dancing around each other," Natasha said after a moment, reopening a conversation Steve had been trying very hard to forget. "It was pretty soon after his break-up with Pepper."

"And you decided sleeping with him was a good way to cheer him up?" Steve said, forcing himself not to snap. He respected Natasha, he did, and she was a consenting adult who didn't need his morals or his jealousy. He'd gotten that lecture before and really, he was glad women had more freedom. That didn't change the fact she slept with _Tony_ , however.

"And I was curious," Natasha said with a smirk. "What I said earlier wasn't just to stroke his ego, by the way. It's all true. You are in for a hell of a ride."

There were things Steve really didn't want to know about his teammates. At least, he told himself he didn't want to know this. As far as Natasha sleeping with Tony went, it was true. He was refusing to think about how good Tony was in bed. "But don't worry, Cap. I don't poach," Natasha continued. "He hasn't bought anyone home since the two of you started either."

"It's not like that between us," Steve protested, despite the relief he felt at her words.

Clint snorted. "Cap, I think we all know there was a green-eyed monster in the room earlier and it sure as hell wasn't Bruce."

"Doesn't change what I said," Steve said mulishly. "And I wasn't jealous."

"Sure you weren't," Clint said, patting him on the shoulder.

"For the record," Natasha said thoughtfully, "watch out for his tongue if you do ever 'become like that.' It's lethal. Especially when he-"

"I really do not need to know that about Stark," Clint complained.

Steve glared, because _that_ was relevant information, but didn't ask Natasha to continue. Instead, he focused on ignoring her smug expression and trying not to let his imagination run away with thoughts of Tony's tongue while there were other people in the room. The latter was very persistent, especially as memories of Tony licking his lips and eating peanut butter on a spoon flashed before his eyes, so Steve resigned himself to a long shower in his near future.

If only he could actually say the right thing to Tony. Then he wouldn't need long, lonely showers.

* * *

His other self had given Tony the frequency they were looking for, which Tony immediately set a scan for. It was easy enough to hack the same sensors they'd used on the Hellicarrier to find the Tesseract and refocus them with the new data. It would take longer since Tony was trying to fly under the radar with it and it wasn't a world wide emergency (yet), but if it was there to be found, they would find it.

It was soon after Tony finished setting the hacking program up that Thor and Bruce entered the workshop. Tony crossed his arms over his chest defensively. Thor he expected, but Bruce coming down as well felt like a betrayal. "I don't need babysitters," he said crossly.

"Besides," the other Tony said. "No offense, Dr. Banner, but the Hulk is more likely to take out half the city along with me if I tried something. Or is that different here as well?"

Bruce went pale. "Half the city?"

"That might be exaggerating, I suppose," the other Tony said. "His mass killing spree only lasted about 800 people before we managed to subdue him in our world. And I prefer _not_ to think about all the things he said he was going to do to his poor girlfriend had we not stopped him."

"Oh, God..." Bruce said, taking a step back.

It didn't matter that Tony was still pissed at Bruce for coming down to babysit and that it was another version of himself talking. No one says that sort of thing to Bruce on his watch. "He's safe to be around and he would _never_ hurt Betty," Tony snapped. "And he's saved my life and the other's plenty of times before, so I don't want to hear more. Things are different here."

"Fascinating," the other him said, not put out in the slightest by Tony's anger. "The differences between the worlds are astounding, especially when so many things remain the same. Thor, are you with any hippies, by any chance?"

"I'm afraid I do not understand the term, my friend," Thor said looking confused.

Tony snorted. "Hippies? Thor? Yeah, no. Don't see that one happening."

The other him shrugged. "He's very concerned about the environment and third world countries in my world. And brownies, apparently. I've had some of those brownies his lot passes around, and they are definitely mind altering."

Bruce laughed weakly, and okay, the mental image of Thor as a hippie God was pretty damn entertaining, but he was still angry at the two of them for following Steve's BS orders. "I still don't need babysitters," he said. "Or doesn't any one trust me on this team any more?"

"I trust you to take care of yourself," Bruce said with his hands up. "I don't trust two Tony Starks in a workshop where things can go boom."

"He does have a point," his other self said with a smirk.

"Touché," Tony said, conceding the point with some of his anger cooling. _That_ he could forgive Bruce for. Tony wouldn't even trust two versions of himself down in a workshop. Then he turned to Thor. "And you, big guy?"

"The Captain made a convincing argument," Thor said. "It is not that he does not trust you, but who better to fool you than someone who is your mirror image? We have already seen he knows your weaknesses, and this could be a trick. You are also still wounded from the battle earlier."

"I would know his weaknesses too," Tony said, but it was another good point. Things didn't match up quite as well as Tony would have thought. If they'd been watching this dimension long enough (which if they had the tech to cross dimensions, he wouldn't put it past them), then they would know what to fake to get Tony to lower his guard. Natasha's entrance earlier proved that, and how quickly he'd taken off the suit. His head was still pounding from the concussion too, despite the alcohol taking some of the edge off. He wasn't willing to admit Steve might have a point though, not right now. Not when there was an unspoken concern in both Bruce and Thor's eyes about what had happened earlier.

"Whatever," Tony said, turning to the armor his other self had appeared in. "Mind if I..?"

"Go right ahead," the other Tony said, coming closer. "I'd very much like to know how you got the armor to release automatically."

"Coding and JARVIS, mostly. The robotics of it was easy enough. The green goo?"

"Gives the nanites easier access to the suit and buffer control," the other Tony said, looking appraisingly at one of JARVIS's panels.

"Nanites?" _Nanites_. He'd been assuming that the doppelganger had been less advanced than him, but he'd never been able to get nanites to work well enough to do any good. Maybe they'd just focused on other areas. The things he could do with nanites...

The other Tony smirked. "Maybe Dr. Banner was right to be worried."

"Anthony Edward Stark, if you blow up this Tower..." Bruce started jokingly.

"Anthony?" the other Tony said, suddenly pale again.

They all looked at him uncertainly. "That's not your name?" Bruce asked.

"Antonio," the doppelganger said, scrambling to hide the grief that Tony caught in his eyes. "But I had a best friend named Anthony."

The word 'had' said it all. Tony leaned over to reach the helmet of his other self's armor, intentionally brushing their shoulders together. He wondered who 'Anthony' had been in that universe. But what would have caused the name change in this alternate world? Sure there were plenty of differences, but this felt different.

"Mom," Tony and his doppelganger said at the same time.

"Okay, that was slightly creepy," Bruce said, taking his glasses off and rubbing at the lenses with his shirt.

"Dad must have made her change my name," Tony said thoughtfully. "Something less Italian and more American. He wouldn't have wanted anything too telling."

"Where as I had a twin brother, older by five minutes and thirty-two seconds, that he could name Gregory. Mother could name the younger twin what she wanted," the other Tony finished.

Tony felt irrationally jealous of that, that this other version of him got to be named by their mother. It probably stung like hell that Dad hadn't cared about naming the second twin, but Mom... It would have been nice to have the name Mom had chosen.

"You do realize finishing each other's thoughts also classifies as creepy," Bruce said.

Thor laughed heartily. "Aye, they are brothers of mind, and worlds will flourish with your combined might."

The other Tony blinked. "Now, I know All Speak can translate without the epic poetry. It's only a matter of finding the right price tag."

"Nah," Tony said waving it off. "It's kind of hilarious."

The other Tony shrugged, drinking his martini. "Your world."

They sat together going over the other Tony's nanites first. Tony had no doubt the clever little things had traps all over the place (he knew what he would do with that kind of tech to protect it from falling into the wrong hands) but he'd have it cracked in a couple of weeks. He shared JARVIS's code and some of his theories on AI and robotics (also encrypted with traps), and with luck it would take longer than the two weeks this Tony was here to figure it out. They were both safe guarded until the other left, and if this Tony did turn out to be evil, it was a simple matter of having JARVIS's master code delete the data. He rather figured this Tony had a similar command for the nanites.

Tony resolutely did not think of a little blue sun dress that was spotted in red. He couldn't, not when the next disaster was on the horizon. At least his other self seemed even less adjusted than Tony was. Tony had yet to see his doppelganger put down his drink, though he slowed down after the first few. Tony wondered if he was perpetually drunk, and he didn't like to think about what demons chased his other self to that.

When Thor was distracting the other Tony (they got along like a house on fire, despite the other Tony's complaints about his speech), Tony manipulated JARVIS's code to watch for suspicious behavior from his double and alert Steve. He also updated the software to the point that JARVIS would be able to tell the two of them apart within a millisecond when pinged, even if the other him attempted contacts and a new hair cut. He texted Steve with the details and a curt ' _Happy now that you don't have to trust either of us?_ '

He knew Steve wouldn't text back (he refused to have conversations longer than a few sentences over text when he could simply call, and emotionally charged conversations were always done face to face), so maybe that was a low blow, but Tony couldn't deal with Steve right now.

He was wrong about it keeping Steve from replying, however. ' _It's not a matter of trust, Tony. You know that. Can we talk?_ '

This time it was Tony who ignored the text. Because no, he didn't know that nor did he know what else it could possibly be. Not to mention the last thing he wanted was to talk to Steve and get another lecture. He stubbornly went back to the nanites, pouring over their code and admiring their creator's work.

Eventually Thor and even Bruce begged off for sleep, leaving Tony with his doppelganger. They worked quietly now, with only the music Tony put on to keep him focused.

"Do you know what I keep wondering?" his other self - Antonio, and damn, that was still weird - said. "Why were you drinking the cheap scotch?"

Tony stiffened, but didn't look up from the nanites' code. The concussion was still aching, but he could ignore it. "Why else?" he asked casually, wondering if Antonio knew how to read into that.

He did, apparently. "Ah," he said. Tony looked over to see him contemplating his drink. He raised it in a toast when he caught Tony's eyes, smiling in a way that held no mirth, but plenty of self-loathing. "To the worst monster we have to protect the world from."

Tony hunched over, closing his eyes with a shuddery breath. He felt a hand rubbing between his shoulder blades, and for the first time he didn't flinch it off. The other Tony's hands were just as dirty as his were, so he wasn't sullying them by accepting the comfort.

After all, they both knew who the real monster was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memory: So that was the end of chapter one. Please note, the angst and feels only get worse from here. As stated, if you don't see me next Monday (either Sunday evening or Monday morning if you're stateside), look for me on Wednesday. Weekends tend to be the busiest time for me at work, so it might just end up easier to post on Wednesday or Thursday. This week was just abnormally busy and I wanted to post before Cap 2 came out. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Remember, iloome. You asked me to write Ults Tony. You only have yourself to blame for what follows. Also, if you are interested, you can follow me on tumblr here: http://memorydragon.tumblr.com/ Fair warning, I post lots of random scifi things too.
> 
> Have the quote of the chapter while you wait for the next installment. 
> 
> "Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."  
> -Friedrich Nietzsche


	2. Life is too short to waste on being sober.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks: Many thanks to narwhale_callin, who says I need to write all the Natasha fic. Also many thanks to salmastryon for reading it as well and making sure it's Evil enough.  
> Notes: And here is Chapter Two. Looks like you'll be getting it on Monday for at least another week, since a visa run will keep me busy for the rest of it. Anyway, here is the start of the angsty. It only gets worse from here. Also, there are random Steve feels. I did not plan on Steve feels going into this, but they happened anyway. I suppose I should stop being surprised by Steve feels worming their way in.

Tony woke up screaming.

"It's 3:36 am, Sir. You are in Stark Towers. Ms. Potts has moved out. The temperature is fifty-six degrees Fahrenheit with a chance of rain later in the..." JARVIS's calm voice continued to spew out facts and figures, his voice soothing. Tony placed his hand over the arc reactor protectively as he trembled and forced himself to breathe.

"You can stop, JARVIS," he said eventually, forcing his shaking legs to support him as he went to the bathroom to wipe away the worst of the sweat with a towel. He wasn't sleeping any more tonight, that was for sure.

Coffee, then workshop. He could get a head start looking through the code on those nanites.

He went to the kitchen, intent on the coffee that would at least give him something warm to calm his nerves. It didn't help matters when a voice called out to him in the half-light. "Are you always a walking flashlight?"

Tony jumped and swore, knocking back against the counter. That was going to bruise. "Do you always hang around in dark kitchens waiting to sneak up on people?" he snapped back.

He turned on the lights, wincing as he waited for his eyes to adjust. Antonio was sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of orange vodka in one hand and a tumbler in the other. Somehow, Tony wasn't surprised. "You go through more alcohol than I do," he muttered, wondering if he'd have to get JARVIS to order more before the end of the week.

"Life is too short to waste on being sober," Antonio said with a shrug. "Night light?"

Tony's hand went up to cover the reactor, not quite hiding the light but enough to keep anyone from trying to rip it out. "Arc reactor," he said stiffly, hand not moving from its defensive position.

"In your chest?" Antonio said, making to stand. He swayed a little, before walking closer. "Why ever would you put one in there? How deep does it go?"

Tony took a step back, bumping into the counter again. "Easy," Antonio said, holding his hands up in surrender. "Not trying to hurt you. Just curious."

Tony took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax. He didn't run as Antonio started to move closer again, though he wanted to. He shivered as Antonio touched his arm, a fleeting brush of fingers that gave Tony plenty of time to move away if he needed to. When Tony didn't, his doppelganger guided him to the kitchen table and pushed his tumbler of vodka towards him. The smell of it woke Tony out of his haze, and he gulped it down, letting it warm him up.

"I'm surprised you didn't steal a tablet and look me up," Tony said after a few minutes.

"I considered it, but I didn't know how drunk I should be before I started," Antonio said.

"At least five more shots," Tony said, letting the alcohol steady his shaking hands.

He finally lowered the hand over the arc reactor, and Antonio peered at the light curiously. "How deep does it go?" he asked.

"Deep enough," Tony replied. "You don't have one."

"No," Antonio said. "I've never had one. At least, never had one in my chest. I have one that powers the suit, obviously. Why did you do it?"

"It beat carrying around a car battery attached to my chest." Tony shrugged, keeping his voice calm despite the fact he knew his other self would be able to read through this easily. "There's shrapnel next to my heart. The electromagnet keeps the shrapnel from killing me."

"Ah." The look Antonio was giving him turned sad. "I'm sorry. Though it couldn't have been one of Gregory's weapons that..."

"It was one of mine," Tony admitted. Antonio looked surprised, and Tony's stomach twisted in knots. "You don't make weapons."

"I make some," Antonio said, "but not enough to really follow Dad's legacy. I left that to Greg. Though I did let SHIELD have some of my Iron Man tech, stupid of me, I know, but buying my way onto the team was one of my only options at the time. When did our dear father leave us in this world?"

Tony looked away. "Seventeen."

"Ah, that makes sense." Antonio nursed his drink thoughtfully. "Yes, I suppose I might have as well, if he had died earlier, or if he hadn't been estranged from Gregory. If I'd needed his approval. Of course, it was around that time he started actively manipulating me too, so I resented him more after that. The Iron Man suits were meant for exploration of various planets. In the end, I just refurbished them."

"But you didn't make them as weapons," Tony said. What could he have been without weapons? He wouldn't be Iron Man, but did the people he save outweigh the people he killed? A blue sun dress spotted in red flashed across his vision, and his breath hitched. "Why did you become Iron Man then?" Tony asked, struggling for something to distract his thoughts away from the image of a small hand.

Now it was Antonio's turn to look away. "More or less the same reason. I'm dying. Well, was dying. I'm not sure anymore. We haven't had time to run the tests since Anthony..."

Tony refilled his other self's glass, only spilling a little of the vodka as his hand shook. If it wasn't a heart full of shrapnel, then what was killing this version of him?

Antonio smiled, toasting him in response to the concerned glance. "The ultimate leveler of the rich and poor, old boy. Cancer." Antonio tapped the side of his head, where Tony could now see faint scars that were carefully hidden around the hairline. "Brain tumor. I figured if I was going to die, I might as well do some good. Maybe go out in a blaze of glory instead of..."

Tony took in his doppelganger's pallor and taunt lines. Chemotherapy, his mind supplied. It had probably been a while since his last treatment, because enough of the color had returned to his other self that Tony had been thrown off at first. Tony wondered if the signs ever truly went away though, if you knew where to look. "You think it's gone now?" he asked.

"I don't know," Antonio replied, a strange grief in his voice. "And if the cancer is gone, I'm not sure why..."

"Why you keep fighting?" Tony asked. He looked down at the arc reactor, wondering what he'd do if he could have it gone. "I don't think it makes much of a difference now. We've both come too far."

"I suppose," Antonio said, grief replaced by a thoughtful look. "'I am Iron Man,' hm?"

"I thought you said you didn't look me up."

"Clint did show me a few things," Antonio explained with a faint smile. "I do love how brash you are. I've never quite managed to shock the press like that."

"Yeah, and the Pope's Catholic," Tony replied. "That's complete B.S."

"Oh, I never said I haven't shocked the press," the doppelganger said with a chuckle. "But never in quite that manner, and frankly, sex tapes don't count."

Tony supposed that made sense, especially if the suits were public knowledge before hand, meant for space exploration. The Paparazzi would have had a completely different spin on how to report on Tony Stark and his escapades. Tony wondered if there was a version of himself out there that used the suits for just that instead of for fighting. "Sex tapes, huh?" Tony said, suddenly glad he'd never had that particular desire.

"It was leaked," Antonio said with a shrug. The topic seemed to make him uncomfortable though, and he quickly changed the subject before Tony could wonder who it was with. "You look like you could use more sleep."

Tony did. He really did. Because he'd been trying to be better ever since he and Pepper broke up, since she wasn't around to coax him to bed any more. If he had been more aware, more _awake_ , maybe he'd make less mistakes. Maybe Pepper wouldn't have left him. But right now, he couldn't close his eyes without seeing... "I don't think sleep is a good idea," Tony said quietly. "Besides, you aren't sleeping either."

"Not drunk enough yet," Antonio said, raising his glass up to the light ruefully. "We all have our demons that haunt us at night. I'm surprised you stay as sober as you do."

"Piloting the suit drunk wasn't a good experience," Tony replied, thinking back to his birthday.

"In your opinion. It works fine for me." His doppelganger looked thoughtful, rolling the vodka in the glass. "We do sleep better when there's someone with us."

Tony snorted. The last thing he needed was to prove Natasha right about that narcissist comment on his file, though he'd admit the particularly vivid and thoroughly detailed thought _had_ crossed his mind. He wasn't in the mood right now though. "You seducing me?"

"Merely stating what we've both thought of," his doppelganger said with a smirk, as if he'd been reading Tony's thoughts. Either that,or Antonio was thinking the same or dirtier, and Tony was leaning more towards the latter since he couldn't imagine himself as a mind-reader in any dimension.

Antonio downed the rest of the tumbler. "Though at the moment, I'd settle for stressing the word 'sleep'."

Tony thought about it. He did sleep better when there was someone warm curled up to him, and if the nightmares returned... Well, it was another version of himself. The other him wouldn't still be awake and getting drunk if he had pleasant dreams. "Alright," he said softly. This wasn't like needing help from the others, right? It was just him.

Fifteen minutes later, Tony found himself back in the bed he'd thought he had abandoned for the night, curled around an alternative version of himself who never had an arc reactor and smelled so strongly of orange vodka that Tony felt light-headed. His life was weird, but as he felt a light caress along his jaw, Tony decided that he didn't care. He fell asleep with his head on his other self's shoulder, and a hand slowly petting his hair.

* * *

Steve stood outside the workshop door holding two coffees and a cup of tea. The coffees were for the Tonys, and the tea for himself. He stared at the access panel, not putting in his code. He took a deep breath, going over what he was going to say in his head.

He was sorry. He shouldn't have yelled and blamed Tony like that the other day, and he didn't mean to imply that Tony couldn't take care of himself. He'd been angry, and taking it out on Tony wasn't right. It was a mistake, and he hoped Tony would be able to forgive him if he tried harder.

Now if only he could say all of that before Tony cut him off and kicked him out.

As mentally prepared as he was ever going to be, Steve punched in his code. It didn't work. He stared down at the panel flashing 'Access Denied' at him in frustration. This had an even less chance of working if Tony refused to let him in at all. "JARVIS, can you tell Tony I have coffee?" Steve pleaded, hoping maybe the temptation of caffeine would work.

There was silence for a moment before JARVIS replied, "I'm sorry, Captain, but Mr. Stark is unwilling to open the door for you at this time."

Steve considered JARVIS's wording before putting in Natasha's codes. It hurt when the words 'Access Granted' came up on the panel. He'd been locked out specifically.

"You're not supposed to use other people's access codes," Tony said to him as he walked in. "And JARVIS, those codes are DNA locked. You shouldn't have let him in."

"My apologies, Sir, but the code was correct and Captain Rogers is on the approved-"

"Yeah, don't try covering your ass, JARVIS. It doesn't work so well when you don't have one to cover," Tony said, but he didn't sound annoyed. He just sounded resigned.

Tony was sitting behind a couple of computers, flanked by the other Tony - Antonio, from what Bruce and Thor said - from the alternate universe. It was unnerving, having two pairs of very similar, yet different colored eyes staring up at him. Especially when they both looked so guarded.

"Right, so give whatever lecture you came here to make and leave," Tony said, jumping on the defensive.

"I'm not here to lecture you," Steve replied, forcing down his own temper. He really wasn't here to start a fight.

"Then what are you here for?" Tony asked.

Steve closed his eyes, setting the coffee down. "To bring you both coffee and apologize."

His Tony still looked defensive, but Anotiono's eyes turned calculating. "Is that bribery coffee?" he asked. "Because I'm willing to be bribed, especially if the brew is Irish."

His Tony sent Antonio a glare, earning him a sigh in return as Antonio nursed the drink already in his hand. Just how much did the other Tony Stark drink anyway?

"What do you have to apologize for?" Tony asked, cutting through his thoughts.

"For what I said earlier," Steve replied. "I never meant to imply I don't trust you. And before that, I never should have... It wasn't right for me to lash out at you like that."

"Why not? You weren't lying," Tony spat. "I wasn't aware you were in the habit of saying things you don't mean. What is America coming to?"

"Tony, I was angry. We were all affected by what happened!"

"What happened was I failed!" Tony shouted. "I didn't listen and I didn't get it right. Are you happy now that you've been proven right?"

"Tony," Steve said, feeling his heart break at the words. "That's not-"

"But that _is_ what-"

"Easy," Antonio said, placing a hand on Tony's back. Tony whirled around, eyes flashing in anger. "He's come to apologize, not to gloat," Antonio continued.

"And what do you know about this?" Tony demanded.

"Enough, I think, to know why you couldn't sleep last night."

Both Steve and Tony winced at the mention of nightmares. Tony probably because of not wanting to admit it, and Steve... Steve didn't even think about how it was affecting Tony, and all of those things he'd said...

"I'm not..." Tony said, looking back to Steve, then to his other self who still kept a comforting hand on his back. Tony's breath hitched, and after a long, tense moment, he leaned forward, crumpling against his other self.

Antonio immediately pulled him into a hug. Steve had to step closer to hear what he was whispering. "I know. Shh, I know. I know what you're feeling."

"I'm sorry," Steve said, feeling like a third wheel and _hating_ the sensation of being useless. "Tony, there was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault."

Tony shuddered once, then pulled away from his other self. There was no trace of wetness in his eyes or any sign of his moment of weakness. He walked over to the holographic displays, pulling up something on his phone. "I think we both know that isn't true," he said, giving his phone a flick. Newspaper headings and articles came up on the displays, and Tony zoomed in on one in particular. "And we're not the only ones who know it," Tony said as Steve took a step back, his eyes going wide.

"Tony-"

"I need to make an appearance for Pepper and SI. Let me know when the team has come to a decision, if you haven't made one already," Tony said as he walked out, the door sliding behind him.

Steve stood there stunned, looking at the articles and pictures with growing horror. Antonio whistled. "It's gotten a lot more vicious since I stole a tablet this morning," he said, flicking through a few of the articles with practiced ease.

"How... They're blaming _him_ for this?" Steve asked, a growing fury rising in him. He also felt sick, because he'd said many of the same things to Tony when the mission had gone south. "And they want him off the team," he realized with a start, reading the article Tony had singled out, sickness winning over the anger. Was that what Tony meant about the team making a decision? How could he even think he'd be off the team?

"I assume you'll talk to the team about it," Antonio said with a questionable casualness.

"What?" Steve wheeled on Antonio, finally having a direction for the anger to go. "What's there to discuss? The press doesn't have a say on who stays on the Avengers! We need Tony on the team!"

Antonio looked surprised for a moment, before he took one of the coffees on the tray Steve had brought down. "Can't say I was expecting that response, not when..." Antonio shook himself, looking away. "But then, you're in love with him, aren't you?"

Steve felt his eyes widen. "How did you..?"

"Just because I drink doesn't mean I'm unobservant. Higher functioning alcoholic," he said with a small toast. "He does feel the same way, if you weren't aware."

Steve swallowed. They'd been dancing around this for awhile, him and his Tony. They were both aware of the potential between them, but that wasn't the problem. "I can never say the right thing," he admitted, looking at the lab door sadly.

"You have more tact than the Cap from my world," Antonio said wryly. "Though I'll admit that you do seem to stumble upon the wrong words more frequently around this world's me than mine does. I don't think I've ever been quite as angry with Cap as Anthony is with you."

"Are you and him..?" Steve asked, unsure how to ask, and half wishing he could take it back when he considered how rude it was.

"Like you two? No," Antonio said. "I've always gotten the feeling he doesn't like me very much, and I get his disapproval more often than not. Though for the record..." He glanced up and down Steve, openly undressing him with his eyes. Steve fought down a blush, but by the smirk Antonio's face, he wasn't that successful. "For the record, I wouldn't say no if my Cap gave up on married women. Or maybe _I_ should give marriage another shot. Either I'll be more tempting, or I could conspire a threesome."

 _That_ was galling, thinking of his other self stealing another man's wife. Some of that must have shown on his face, because Antonio laughed. "You look like you swallowed a lemon," he said, sounding highly amused. "I'm going to have to get this off the security cameras before I leave."

"The other me, does he really..?" Steve asked, unable to bring himself to finish the question again, but this time out of disgust.

"Oh, yes. Mrs. Janet Pym, to be exact. Or Van Dyne, after the divorce." Steve winced. _Divorce_? He was a home wrecker now? "Admittedly," Antonio continued. "Gail was supposed to marry you before the ice, so no one blames you for coveting Bucky's wife."

Steve's mind stuttered to a halt as the world lurched underneath him. "Bucky's wife?" he asked, feeling his breath freeze in his lungs. "Bucky... Bucky survived the war?"

"And married the girlfriend of my world's Cap," Antonio said callously. But then he came closer and put a hand on Steve's shoulder. "I take it he didn't survive here?"

"He..." Steve said, mind rushing forward now with images of what could have happened if he'd been faster, or stronger, or smarter. What could have happened if he'd saved Bucky, as he obviously managed to in this other, alternative universe? "He fell," Steve heard himself say, feeling very far away. "I couldn't save him."

The pressure on his shoulder brought him back, as did the hand brushing at his cheek. Steve blinked, realizing for the first time he'd been crying. He shouldn't show weakness in front of the others, because they needed him to be strong as their leader. But in some other universe, he'd been good enough. Here he hadn't been able to stop Bucky from falling.

He wanted to lean forward into Tony, to try to stave off this feeling for a while longer because Tony wasn't quite the same as the others. They weren't quite there yet in their relationship, but Tony was the first person in this new time that Steve felt like he could let in like he had Peggy or Bucky. But when his vision cleared, blue eyes instead of brown gazed across from him.

Steve started back, pushing Antonio's hands away. He rubbed his eyes, getting rid of the last of the tears. He didn't have time for this.

"Your other self knows how to grieve," Antonio said quietly. "Even if sometimes I think he's too caught up in it. You, though... I wonder if you know how."

"I don't have time," Steve said, pushing down the grief that threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn't let go of his emotions right now, not when the situation with the press was a mess and they had to find whatever weapon Antonio's brother had designed.

"More's the pity," Antonio said. "You might want to look into that. In the mean time, I'll look after my other self."

"I should..." He should go after Tony and ignore the ache that was building in his chest. He needed to fix this and talk to the press. He needed...

"Leave him to me for now. Go do your gymnastics or whatever you do to abuse the gym when you're sulking in this universe."

"I don't sulk," Steve said, forcing his voice into a growl instead of sounding... well, sulky. In a way he was glad Antonio was making light of the situation, because it allowed him to step back, focus on the bickering. Not think about Bucky.

Antonio snorted, downing the last of his coffee. "Darling, some things are universal. You sulking is one of them." He was smiling gently, taking the bite out of his words, but Steve still scowled.

"Go sulk," Antonio said playfully as he walked to the elevator. "And find him after you've gotten it out of your system. I should have him calm by then. Now, I have a martini to make. See you around, Captain."

Steve glared as Antonio left, then went up to the gym where he was definitely not going to sulk or think of trains and snow. Taking out aggression on punching bags was different, and if he didn't stop when his hands started to bleed... They'd heal over soon enough and no one would know. But when he got there, Clint was already lifting weights. "Come down to sulk?" the archer asked with a smirk.

Steve grit his teeth. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now. "Came down to see if anyone wanted to spar," he lied, because it was the only way Clint would leave him alone. Clint hated getting his ass kicked.

Then he smiled, and Clint obviously sensed what he was in for, hurriedly putting the weights down. "Well, I should-"

"Thanks for volunteering," Steve said as he changed his mind on wanting someone around. He took a panicking Clint by the arm and led him to the boxing equipment. "Wouldn't want people to think I'm _sulking_ , right? I'll go easy on you."

Clint groaned, muttering something about passive-aggressive sulkers. Steve didn't bother to respond. Clint would learn the hard way.

* * *

Clint groaned as Natasha walked in the living room. She raised an eyebrow at him draped over the couch in his usual 'I'm in pain' position. "What happened to you?" she asked.

"Cap is a passive-aggressive bastard," he replied.

"Maybe you shouldn't tell him that then," Natasha said, feeling the worry subside as she guessed at the cause of Steve choosing Clint as his target. Clint probably deserved whatever training Steve had put him through. "You should also wait to say that when he's not in the room."

"Wait, what?" Clint shot up, wincing as the motion pulled on his probably sore muscles. He looked over at the door frantically to see a politely beaming Steve Rogers.

"Morning, Clint," Steve said, looking deceptively innocent. Natasha almost envied him for that, because so few people could pull that off without coming across as insincere. Both Clint and Natasha had gotten to know Steve within the past few months, however, so neither of them were fooled. "Just who I was looking for," Steve continued. "Ready for more training?"

Clint turned pleading eyes on her. As much as Natasha was loathe to bail him out, she did need to speak with Steve. Besides, that would make the next time Clint needed help better, if he thought he stood a chance of getting it. "Sorry, Cap. Fury says we need to talk to the press and with Stark.... Let's just say he wants you to do it."

Steve sighed, his shoulders slumping as he ran a hand through his hair. "What more can we say?" Steve asked. "We've already done one press conference, so what more does he need?"

"It's more what the public wants. JARVIS, if you please," she said, motioning to the TV for JARVIS to turn it on. He knew what she needed.

"-step down from the Avengers? Many people are asking why Captain America hasn't taken Mr. Stark off the team himself. Citizens are demanding that Mr. Stark take accountability for his actions, since he was allegedly piloting the suit while drunk. The allegations have been made based on how he was swerving and losing control of the suit in battle. Richard Jefferson, uncle to Jasmine Conner, is leading the crowd calling for Mr. Stark to be brought up on charges of manslaughter."

"Jasmine is dead because of him!" said a dark-skinned man as the camera switched to him. "And that murderer is still part of the Avengers? The Merchant of Death hasn't changed, and he still sells to terrorists while he drinks the profit! Is that the sort of man we want kids to see as a role model? What that monster deserves is to be behind bars! Drunk drivers are charged with manslaughter, so how's this different? He needs-"

"JARVIS, off," Steve snapped. Natasha could see his hands trembling in suppressed rage. "Fury wants me to address _this_?"

"Someone needs to," Natasha said with a careful shrug. "They're only going to get worse if we don't. Fury said it's your call to make if he's off the team."

"If he's..."

Natasha did not back down as Steve loomed over her, but she was willing to admit to herself that Steve Rogers was an extremely intimidating man when he wanted to be.

"You're right. Something needs to be done about it, and now," Steve said. "Call the press conference. They've got an hour to get here if they want to hear it."

With that, Steve pivoted, exiting the room with a dangerous air about him. Natasha almost felt pity for the reporters. Almost, but not quite.

"I'll get the popcorn," Clint volunteered cheerfully.

Natasha nodded, turning to go make a few phone calls. Tony was in the doorway, his eyes shut tight against the world. "I guess that settles that," he muttered, before leaving as well.

She immediately felt guilty. Natasha had been playing calm to rile Steve up, but if Tony had seen that... He always assumed the worst. She nearly went after him, but he wouldn't believe anything she said right now. He'd have to hear it at the press conference with everyone else. "Clint, popcorn goes down to the workshop," she said over her shoulder.

"Sure thing," he said with a salute.

Natasha made the calls, keeping her voice calm and collected as she did so as to not give away what was in store for them. Admittedly, it was a bit harder than normal when they kept pestering her for her opinion and she wanted to rip into them for what they were implying (and flat out saying) about Tony, but she firmly reminded herself how much more satisfying it would be watching America's golden boy tear them a new one. She repeated 'no comment' for the sixteenth time, allowing a small smile to flit across her face. They had no idea what they were in for.

That done, she alerted the staff and Pepper. After working with them as Natalie Rushman, the ones who were blissfully unaware of her spying still snapped to attention when she was in the room. The ones who were aware (mostly Pepper and Happy) were in various stages of forgiving her. When _they_ asked questions, she let a bit of smugness creep into her voice when she told them to watch and see, because it was going to be good.

Once everything was settled, Natasha got some paperwork done as she kept an eye on the clock. When it was time, she went down to the workshop, surprised that her codes actually worked. After Tony's earlier retreat, she would have bet on having to use her emergency codes to get them out of lock down.

The alternative Tony (Antonio, as they've all dubbed him) saw her as she walked in, and an emotion she'd only seen directed at Pepper or Steve showed in his eyes as they lingered around her hips and chest, then up to her face. Then he his body language closed off, hand tightening around his glass of alcohol that he was never without. Before he looked away, she saw a raw, wounded expression in his eyes that she saw sometimes when her Tony was reminded of Stane.

She hated the fact that another version of her had done that. She also hated to think about why, because she was becoming more and more compromised every day when it came to the team. Most of all, she hated the fact that the look was directed at her, because the guilt that followed it was misplaced and ridiculous, but so, so strong.

She walked over slowly, choreographing her movements so that the other Tony could see her. Her Tony looked up, brown eyes meeting hers before he looked away. "Come to tell me the news?" he said, his voice dull and flat.

"The press conference starts in a few minutes," she said, standing closer to Tony and wishing he would believe her if she tried to reassure him. She nodded to the Antonio, who didn't lose the tension about his gaunt frame. "Clint's bringing the popcorn," she added.

"Then watch it elsewhere," Tony snapped. "There's plenty of TVs in the Tower."

"It's not what you're thinking it is," she said. She wanted to coax him over to the cot in the corner, but she didn't know how well Antonio would take that. It was obvious that his attraction to her still ran deep and if he were anything like her Tony, he could sink pretty far into denial, but Tony was always more protective of others than he was of himself. She couldn't underestimate that.

"Then what is it? Tony asked, spinning around to face her and waving his arms as he yelled. Unlike Steve, Tony wasn't intimidating like this. He would have been if it had been one of the other Avengers being hung out to dry by the press, but this was just him. Him and his own reputation on the line, and instead of intimidating, he just sounded broken.

She didn't let her expression change, despite the fact that she wanted to soften the lines and show Tony she was on his side for this. She was good at reading people, and she could calm him down easily, but Antonio... How much emotional manipulation had her other self put him through? He'd cut her off from her Tony, and she'd lose her chance. Unfortunately, she didn't know what else to do to help him. "Something you should watch," she said instead, sitting down on the cot.

"Why the hell would I-" Tony started, then cut off, looking up at his alternative self whose hand had settled on his back.

"Why don't we listen for once, old boy," Antonio said, moving closer. Part of her was still wary of this doppelganger, and she had to stop herself from moving her hands closer to the knife strapped to her thigh as her Tony leaned into him for comfort. Mutual trust, she reminded herself. But she couldn't help mentally bringing up Tony's file and glancing through a list of people that proved Tony Stark was not a great judge of character (for all his paranoia), and it didn't seem like Antonio was any better, if what her other self had done to him was true. Still, her Tony wouldn't take a protective rage any better from her than he had from Steve, so she held back.

Maybe she hadn't hidden it well enough, or maybe Antonio was a much more perceptive drunk than Tony was, because he was looking at her now, some of the mistrust replaced by curiosity.

"I..." Tony said as Antonio led them over to the cot. She wasn't the only one protective of her Tony, she realized. The blue-eyed Stark positioned them on the far end of the cot and put himself between Natasha and Tony. She nodded, letting him keep up the 'protection' for now if it made him more comfortable. She kept watch on him though, looking for any movement that could be suspicious.

"Have I missed anything?" Clint asked as he came in. He held a huge bowl of popcorn in his hands, which he offered to the Tonys after plopping down next to Natasha. Tony didn't take any, and he wouldn't so long as it was offered. He'd steal some of it soon enough though, because Tony equated food with comfort. Antonio took a handful, inspected it for a moment, then ate.

"I believe Captain Rogers has just taken the podium, Agent Barton," JARVIS replied.

"Put it on the screen then please?" Natasha asked politely, because she had a bit of a soft spot for Tony and his creations, and it was always better to be polite to the AI that controlled your shower preferences.

"Of course, Agent Romanov. It would be my pleasure," JARVIS replied. She rather thought he approved of her methods, so long as it worked towards Tony's best interests.

The 'screen' was really the opposite wall, but it definitely wasn't a projection either. Steve was at the podium, fully decked out in his Captain America uniform. He was already speaking, but they hadn't missed much. "-called the conference today to extend our condolences to the Conner family in their time of loss. What happened the other day was a tragedy. I've seen..." Steve paused, and she could see he was gathering his composure for what he was about to say. "I've seen a lot of death in my time, but the loss of a child's life never loses its ability to shatter even the most hardened war veterans. 'Unfortunate' and 'sorry' aren't words any where near enough to adequately convey feelings."

Natasha glanced over at Tony, who was curling in on himself at every word. Antonio leaned against his shoulder in support, but Tony didn't seem to feel it as he closed down further as Steve spoke. Part of her wanted to lean over and run a hand through his hair, an impulse she stomped down on. Antonio probably wouldn't take kindly to it.

"Captain, is it true that Mr. Stark was drinking before he came out?" one of the reporters yelled.

The man got a firm glare of disapproval from Steve. "I'm not taking questions right now, Mister. You have to wait your turn. But on the subject of Mr. Stark, he said he hadn't been drinking, and I'm inclined to accept his word. There were no toxicology tests because it wasn't deemed necessary at the time, though if the police require medical records about the _concussion_ Mr. Stark got during the fight, they will have to ask through proper channels. Mr. Stark made a mistake. A costly one, but not one that I feel is worth losing Iron Man on the team when he could save more people by-"

"He's a murderer!" someone in the crowd cried. "He killed that girl with one of his own weapons. He should be taken to court for treason since he's selling the weapons to terrorists again!"

Steve was quiet for a moment, and Natasha wondered if she shouldn't have offered to go with him for support. The last thing the Avengers needed was Captain America going berserk on a bunch of reporters. It'd be fun, but Fury would hold her responsible for it getting out of hand and the paper work for attacking reporters was a bitch. Steve also looked like he might appreciate a friend up there, but she didn't examine her feelings on that too closely.

But Steve held on to his temper and looked into a now silent crowd. She envied his ability to silence reporters. "If that's true," he said finally, "You're gonna have to try me first."

That got a response both from the crowd and from Tony. "What the hell? What does he-"

"Just be quiet, kotyonok," Natasha said, earning her an eyebrow from Clint. She shrugged. She had been using the pet name with Tony in private since they slept together, but now that the secret was out, there was no reason to hide it anymore.

"You can't be serious," one of the reporters on screen said. "This had nothing to do with you!"

"It was my plan that put Mr. Stark in that position," Steve said calmly. "So in a sense, I am responsible. This 'crime' you're accusing Tony of, I've committed it too. I make mistakes just like everyone else does."

"This isn't about mistakes, Captain. This is-" someone else said.

"It's not?" Steve asked. "Because I just told you he wasn't drunk. He had a concussion that affected his judgement, but if he hadn't stayed in the battle we'd be mourning hundreds of other lives. So if it's treason you're trying to bring him to court for, son, you might want to check the news. Two weeks ago a military stock hold was attacked. There was a big commotion over it, if I remember correctly. Turns out there were quite a few old Stark weapons from before Tony stopped production held there. The Avengers were in the process of tracking them down when the tragedy yesterday happened. If that counts for treason, then the country I loved has changed to be almost unrecognizable."

Clint swallowed a handful of popcorn, crunching obnoxiously. "There's nothing better than watching Cap chew out reporters," he said, reaching for another handful.

"I don't know," Antonio drawled, waiting for Clint to put the popcorn in his mouth. "You should have seen him as president."

Clint choked on the popcorn. Natasha had to pound him on the back several times. "Bastard," he muttered as Antonio smirked. Natasha decided she approved of this Tony Stark. She could definitely get to like him.

"Sadly, Cap wouldn't let me be the VP," Antonio said mournfully. "But watching him bitch out the politicians was a thing of beauty."

"I'd have voted for him," Tony said with a weak smile. Natasha relaxed slightly to see it, relieved that he was feeling well enough to quip.

"What do you mean I couldn't have done the same?" Cap said on screen, drawing their attention back to the press release. "'Captain America never lost a soldier' is a lie. My mistakes have cost plenty of lives before, and I know every single one of them I could find a name for. But my mistakes haven't been caught on CCTV for everyone to analyze and come up with four different ways she could have been saved in 20/20 hindsight!"

"Soldiers are different from a kid, Cap!"

"Are they?" Steve asked, his voice laden with sorrow. "The war I fought in, a lot of times there wasn't any difference. Children fought too. A life is a life."

"And which 'mistake' would you be tried for then?" one reporter asked. Balding, middle-aged, terrible fashion. Natasha made a note of him, because he was going to get an unpleasant surprise sometime soon for that question. She was torn between wanting to have been there for Steve, and keeping an eye on Tony like she was doing. She didn't meet Clint's gaze when he looked her way.

Steve went quiet for a moment, looking out at the crowd but not seeing it. "James Buchanan Barnes," he said, with an air of finality to the name. There was a haunted expression on his face that could only have been Steve reliving the event in his own mind.

"That was different," Tony protested automatically.

"Was it?" Natasha asked.

"He picked up my weapon, my shield. And my mistake... My inability to save him, that cost him his life," Steve said, choking over the words. "He was a bigger hero than me. I had the serum which let me do all these things, but he had none of that, and he still went to war. And I failed him. That was my failure. My mistake."

The crowd erupted at that, but Steve ignored all the questions. "Iron Man, Tony Stark, is a good man. If you don't think that he hasn't run every scenario over and over again to figure out how he could have saved her if he'd done something differently, you're wrong. We can only learn from our mistakes, because we can't go back and fix them, but he's doing the best he can to learn. He stays on the team, and that's my final word on the subject."

There was a roar of questions, but Steve pivoted away from the podium, ignoring all of the reporters.

Tony stood up. "I need to..."

"Go," Natasha said. "He needs someone with him."

Tony nodded, then looked to Antonio questioningly. The doppelganger raised his glass, then pointed to a tablet in his lap. "I still have plenty of differences to find in the dimensions. Don't worry about me."

It was clear her Tony did worry, looking at her and Clint for confirmation. It wasn't in suspicion though. It was concern. Clint saluted him lazily in response, letting Tony know he would take care of things.

Which meant it was Natasha's turn to leave as well, because Antonio was obviously conflicted about her presence. After Tony had left, she stood up. Clint followed her a little ways, pulling her to the side when they were out of hearing of the other Tony. "We need to talk about this?" he asked.

"Do we?' she challenged.

"You told me once that you were compromised," he said quietly. "I'd like to know what I'm seeing."

Natasha let the silence stretch on. She wasn't going to be able to bluff this one. Sure, she could lie convincingly enough, but Clint already had too much evidence. "The team makes things... difficult," she said wearily.

"They do," Clint said with a grin.

"Are you going to report this to Fury?"

"Fuck Fury," Clint said, his grin fading into something softer. "It's a good look on you, being compromised. It's better like this."

"And if there's a mission?" She knew one day Fury would tell her to betray the team. She was a good spy. One of the best. He would ask her to because it was only a matter of time that he got desperate enough to need her. She didn't know what she would say when he did.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," Clint said. "For now, it's okay the way things are."

She couldn't just dismiss the future that easily, no matter how appealing that was. Natasha looked back at Antonio, knowing that it was what she would have to face from her Tony and the rest of the team if she had to do it. The thought of the betrayal in those blue eyes being reflected in brown tore her apart. She was compromised, and compromised badly.

"Look after him," she said, nodding to where the doppelganger sat flicking through the news articles of the press release, not knowing if she meant this Tony, or hers in the inevitability of what will come.

Clint nodded, taking her hand and squeezing it in promise.

She pulled away, watching as Clint went back to the cot, chatting cheerfully to the alternate Tony. Then she left, because she had work to do that wouldn't wait for her guilt to let up.

* * *

Steve was in his room, staring up at the ceiling as he lay on his bed. One thing went through his mind. _Bucky_. His breath hitched at the memories of Bucky's eyes as he fell, trying to push the image away but failing.

The soft knock on his door didn't chase the image away either. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and rubbing at his eyes. "Come in," he said, hoping whoever it was wouldn't be in here for long.

"Steve?" Tony asked, poking his head in.

Steve sighed. Of course _now_ Tony would want to talk. He motioned for Tony to come in, and the engineer took a seat next to him in the bed. "You didn't have to do that," Tony said, looking at the far wall.

"I did," Steve replied.

Tony shook his head. "It'd have been better to kick me off the team. The Tower would still be yours and I wouldn't stop the funding, so-"

"Don't," Steve said, turning to face Tony. He raised a hand to Tony's face, watching as Tony leaned into the hand. "I... The team needs you. You're not just Iron Man, Tony, or the guy that gives us things and a place to live. We need _you_." _I need you_ , Steve couldn't quite bring himself to say.

Tony heard it anyway, closing his eyes. "I don't know why. You'd be better without me."

Steve smiled, rubbing his thumb over Tony's cheek. "No, we wouldn't. Don't know if I could explain it, but it's true. We need Tony Stark."

Tony shook his head. "What you said wasn't true. I was out of position. I wasn't following your plan."

"If you'd been in position, you'd never have seen her in the first place. She'd still be dead." But then it wouldn't have been so obviously Tony's fault in front of the cameras. They both knew that. She'd just have been a victim, a tragic one, but the blame would have fallen on the terrorists, or Steve himself.

"You didn't have to..." Tony started again.

"I did," Steve repeated.

"What happened with Barnes was different."

Steve took a deep breath, wincing as it hitched painfully. "Was it?" Steve asked. "When you close your eyes, what do you see?"

Tony was silent, and for a while, Steve wondered if he'd get an answer at all. Then Tony started to tremble. "Blue sundress," he said, close to a whisper. "It... I-It was spotted with red, her hand was... It was off to the side, a few inches away."

Steve hadn't seen the body. He hadn't realized... He swallowed, forcing himself not to dwell on the gruesome image. "I see Bucky's eyes," Steve admitted. "And all I can think about is what I could have done differently."

"I should have been able to save her," Tony said brokenly. "There was nothing you could have-"

"Bucky is alive in the other world!" The words left Steve in a rush, and it felt like a raw wound.

Tony's head snapped up, his eyes going wide. "What? How do you..?"

Steve laughed. It was painful and slightly hysterical. "The other you mentioned it. Bucky survived and married the dame that the other me fancied."

"Well, that sucks," Tony said with classic Tony Tact. Steve laughed again, feeling like he was breaking apart. "Well, not that he was alive, but marrying... Anyway, things might have gone differently there. That mission on the train might not have happened at all. You don't know-"

"Things did go differently," Steve said. "Bucky was safe. The other me, he kept Bucky alive. Bucky's death is my fault."

"Steve," Tony said helplessly.

Brown eyes. Before, he'd wanted nothing more than to lean into Tony, accepting the comfort that was given, but blue eyes had stopped him. Now they were the proper brown, with just as much grief as Steve felt.

Steve pulled Tony closer until the other man was practically in his lap and buried his face in Tony's now shoulder. Tony tensed. Neither of them were ready for this step, no matter how long they'd been dancing around each other. But then Steve felt deft hands running through his hair, and Tony was suddenly clinging to Steve as much as he was to Tony.

He felt lips brush against his forehead as he pulled in a shuddery breath. It wasn't Bucky or Peggy, but he was starting to regard Tony just as precious. And Tony was here, sitting next to him. Solid. He needed that, even if they weren't ready for this. Tony seemed like he needed it too.

It wasn't much, but it was enough to build on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memory: The next chapter is where all the fun starts. This one is just a warm up. XD Anyway, hope you enjoyed all the Steve angst. And the Tonys together. There's lots more of that coming up.
> 
> Now for the quote of the chapter. 
> 
> "Whoever destroys a single life is as guilty as though he had destroyed the entire world; and whoever rescues a single life earns as much merit as though he had rescued the entire world."  
> -The Talmud


	3. We aren't gods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Thanks:** Many thanks to narwhale_callin for betaing and flailing, and to Salmastryon for making this chapter end in such an angsty spot. Also, since I've got a non-ideal work schedule for proper posting and I didn't much time for posting last week, thanks to szzzt, 69pineapples, katharienne, AvocadoLove, hogwartshoney, and kerravon for commenting on chapter one. Also thanks to actionfan and Michelle for commenting on chapter two. And many, many thanks to quandong_crumble and iloome for commenting on both chapters, cause who doesn't love return commenters? XD  
>  **Notes:** So here is where the Angst finally starts picking up at the end of the chapter! Not like there wasn't angst before, but now I can stop feeling guilty about not delivering the proper amount of angst that I've been promising. Fair warning, it really does only get worse from here... Also, this is the chapter with the OC and the major angst concerning a child's death happens. So read with caution, if this is a thing for you.

Steve was ignoring the media storm that he had brewed up. Fury was, well, furious with him for not getting out there and fixing it, but Steve was more than willing to let the PR people do their jobs for once instead of throwing the most popular Avenger at the crowds this time. He'd said what he needed to. That was what mattered.

There was still no sign of the stolen tech from the alternative world, though they'd had one false lead they'd needed to investigate. The Tonys were getting along like a house on fire, which was a little worrisome, but there had been no major explosions yet. As long as the Tower was still standing at the end of the day, Steve decided it wasn't worth fretting over.

Now if only Steve could sleep.

Sometime later, he woke up again, brushing tears away absently. The dreams were getting worse. He almost missed the nightmares, because these dreams... What would Bucky have done, after the war? Steve wasn't short on imagination. He could picture Bucky with a pretty dame on his arm, walking down the aisle. Arguing with old friends over the decision to drop the bomb, which parts of the history/future Steve had learned that Bucky would hate (McCarthyism, Nixon, Vietnam), which parts he would like (color TV, going to the moon, and he was pretty sure Bucky would have gotten a kick out of the 80's if just to tease Steve about how the clothing baffled his artistic senses and color palates). He could picture the family Bucky could have had, and the house Bucky talked about saving up his wages for. He could picture it so well, that his fingers itched to draw the scenes, even though every line would feel like an open wound.

Steve stared up at the dark ceiling of his bedroom, seeing Bucky smiling back at him and imagining the crow's feet around his eyes and how the years would have weathered him. Still handsome, because Bucky would have aged well, dark hair turned to a silky silver. He'd have mellowed a little, settled down, but he'd still tease Steve about being scrawny kid he'd have to look after.

Then Steve closed his eyes, and all he could see was Bucky falling.

What was it the other Tony said his Steve did? Gymnastics. Steve didn't know much about gymnastics, but he could go through the training course Tony had made, letting it put him through some paces. And maybe he could set up some classes for it later. Anything that kept his body moving, exhausting it to the point of collapse, so that he didn't have these long nights where he did nothing but think.

Steve got up, making his way to the kitchen first for some water. He was more dismayed than surprised to see the lights on already. After all, he was hardly the only one with sleeping problems in the Tower. Last time he'd been up it'd been Thor, looking haunted after nightmares of his brother's atrocities. Before that it had been Natasha, small and quiet, arms wrapped around herself as she looked up at him with blank eyes. He'd seen all of the Avengers here at some point or another, though Tony was rarer since he stayed down in his workshop when he couldn't sleep.

He hadn't been expecting their visiting Tony, however, though perhaps he should have. His Tony had just as many nightmares, after all, so he should have realized Antonio would be the same. And with his proper workshop back in another dimension, this Tony must be looking for another place of comfort.

When he walked in and saw Antonio at the kitchen table, though, Steve immediately knew something was wrong. Antonio took far too long to realize Steve was there, and even longer to recognize him if the furrowed brow was anything to go by. His eyes were unfocused, and he looked too pale. Antonio finally raised his glass, some of the liquid splashing over the side. "Cap'n! Come to join me for a night Cap?" he slurred, giggling at his pun.

"I can't get drunk," Steve said, taking in the dilated blue eyes and the slow breathing. What had he called himself? 'A higher functioning alcoholic.' Steve had seen Antonio drink a lot before, but he'd never seen the genius like this.

"More's the pity," Antonio said mournfully. After a moment, he perked up. A moment that was far too long for Antonio's genius brain to come to this realization. "More for me then!"

Steve took a step closer, smelling the alcohol even from this distance. He looked around, only seeing one nearly empty bottle of Vodka, but that didn't mean anything. _Half_ a bottle of Vodka could do quite a bit of damage to a normal person, but at the rate this Tony drank Steve had no idea how much was actually in him. He had a suspicion that however much Antonio had drank, it was too much. "I think you've had enough," Steve said, carefully making his way over to the drunk.

"Nonesense, old boy. Just getting started," Antonio said, drinking from his tumbler and spilling more of the beverage. Leave it to Tony Stark to still be able to talk with alcohol poisoning.

Steve bit the inside of his cheek, absently calculating angles to throw his shield that would knock the glass out of Antonio's hand without hurting him. Not that he had his shield or could throw it in the kitchen, but it calmed the spike of fear when Antonio listed to the side while his lips were on the tumbler.

He slid into the seat next to Antonio. "Doesn't look like you just started to me," Steve said, eying the bottle. There wasn't much left in it, but he didn't want Antonio to finish it off either. Which meant either he had to be stealthy in stealing the bottle away, or drink it himself. He glanced at the label and winced. Stealth then.

"I know what you're doing," Antonio said, looking a little more alert as he also eyed the bottle. "You're trying to cut me off. It won't work."

"Oh?" Steve said, weighing his choices again. He had to distract Antonio or he'd never be able to steal the bottle. "Why do you say that?"

"You're softer than my Cap," Antonio said with a faint smile, not quite answering the question. "He's a lot rougher. You wouldn't just grab it and toss me over your shoulder."

Steve winced. "He does that?" He had the feeling he wouldn't like his other self very much, especially not if he mistreated a drunk Tony.

"It's surprisingly effective," Antonio said with a slur. "Oh, don't give me those eyes. He's a good man, the other you. He's more of a hit first, ask questions later sort of fellow, but he's a good man."

Antonio stared into his drink before drowning it. "Unlike me," he said when he'd finished, losing some of his focus.

"Tony, that's not-" Antonio was reaching for the bottle to refill his drink. Steve had to act. "I'll drink it."

Antonio stared at him a moment, then raised an eyebrow. "The other you hates vodka," he stated.

Steve did not let his face react. _That_ was something he and his other self appeared to have in common. He'd drink a good German beer any day, as he'd cultivated a taste for it during the war. Whiskey and Gin he could drink as well, along with some good wines. But Vodka? He hated both that and the Asian drink Tony made him try once. "Guess that's one thing we don't have in common then," he lied.

"Very well," Antonio said with a wide smile that told Steve he wasn't fooled. He slid the bottle towards Steve. "Bottoms up."

 _Bastard._ He knew. Now Steve had to finish the bottle or else Antonio would try to take it back. Steve steadied himself, then drank straight from the bottle.

He felt tears prick at his eyes as the alcohol burned his throat, but he kept drinking until the last of it was gone, holding off the inevitable coughing fit until the end. What he wouldn't give for a chaser, but there hadn't been time to get one. Antonio was roaring with laughter as Steve clutched at the bottle and kept it from falling as he tried to draw a breath without coughing again. He _hated_ vodka.

"You are a terrible liar," Antonio crowed. "Both of you."

Steve was pretty sure all of his taste buds were dead. Not that the serum wouldn't take care of that in short order, but the memory of the scorching was still fresh. He glared at the still chuckling blue-eyed Tony. That he was this lucid was a good sign, right?

"Now I have to get another bottle," Antonio said, starting to stand.

Steve rushed to steady the other man as he wobbled, feeling how cold and clammy his skin was. "Now you're going to bed," Steve said firmly, his tone brooking no argument.

That didn't mean Antonio wouldn't try. "Not drunk enough to sleep," he replied.

"You drink any more and you're going to a more permanent sleep," Steve said, worry thickening his voice.

"Ah, but would that be such a bad thing? ' _To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to Dream. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come..._ '"

Steve froze, holding Antonio against him with a stone-like grip. He'd have been impressed Antonio could remember Shakespeare while this soused if he could get past the meaning of what Antonio had just said. "You recognize that quote, don't you?" Antonio said curiously, attempting to tilt his head to look at Steve, but he lacked the coordination to turn. Steve nearly lost his grip on Antonio as he twisted around. "Interesting. I think you're better read than my Cap. You-"

"You can't mean that," Steve said, his voice sounding stricken to his own ears.

"Softer," Antonio muttered. "Much softer. I keep forgetting that."

Steve swallowed, knowing the lack of denial was just as good as a confirmation. "Does he... Does the Steve in your world know?" Steve asked around the lump in his throat.

"Common knowledge," Antonio replied, smiling gently at the memory. "He just looks at me sadly. He and Thor stop me every so often. Thor less now than he did before Asgard was destroyed. He's started to see the appeal."

Steve closed his eyes, taking a breath that threatened to shatter him. "Not on my watch, Mister," he said weakly, unable to look into Antonio's eyes.

"That's what my Cap usually says too," Antonio mused, leaning into Steve. The other man was so cold. Cold as death. Steve resolutely didn't think about that, unconsciously rubbing Antonio's arm to warm him up. "Well, that and that I'll be damned," he continued. "But I'm already that already, so it doesn't change much."

"You're a good man," Steve protested.

"My Cap," Antonio said sleepily as if Steve hadn't spoken. "I like the sound of that."

"Let's get you to bed," Steve said finally, leading them in the direction of the guest bedroom as he tried not to think about the fact that the other Steve stopping Antonio had happened more than once.

It was a testament to how drunk Antonio was that instead of an innuendo, he just looked confused. "Are we going the right way..? This is... It's the wrong room."

"We're going the right way," Steve replied, pushing open the guest bedroom door and leading Antonio inside. He paused, eying the bathroom. Antonio positively _reeked_ of alcohol, but Steve wasn't sure he could handle Antonio in the shower. He didn't know how much history this Antonio shared with his Tony as far as the fear of water went. The bed, on the other hand, looked welcoming, even if it seemed surprisingly unused. Steve shook his head. The cleaning bots must have been in here.

Finally, Antonio's confusion faded as he wiggled suggestively against him. At least, Antonio attempted to. It came out more uncoordinated than anything. "Putting me to bed, Cap?" Antonio purred.

"To sleep," Steve corrected, pushing the other man to the bed. Antonio was surprisingly pliant as Steve stripped him then forced him to drink some water. "Has the other me..?" Steve started as he picked up an empty trash can and moved it closer to the bed, unsure if Antonio would throw up. He looked fine now, but drunks could be unpredictable.

"A few times," Antonio replied quietly as he finished the last of the water. "Sometimes he even lets me pretend it's the hangover that makes me so sick. Not many people will stay through that, you know. He... He's good, the other you. He is."

Steve felt like he was missing part of this conversation. What else made Antonio sick? Now wasn't the time to ask though, not when the man was falling asleep. "You're so concerned about reassuring me, but you won't listen when I say the same to you," Steve said sadly. Glossed blue eyes stared back at him. They weren't the right eyes, and the face was too gaunt (that sickness Antonio mentioned?) and the hair was too long. Steve couldn't help but reach out though, brushing the bangs out of his face. "You're good too."

"You don't know me," Antonio said sleepily. "You know your me. Anthony. Not Antonio. Anthony was the best of me..."

"I know Tony Stark," Steve replied. "And you're similar enough in the things that count." He wondered if every Tony Stark would be so good at breaking Steve's heart. This Tony, he was so different that it made Steve want to go to his Tony, just to make sure he was still breathing. But he was also so similar, that Steve could only wonder... "Go to sleep," Steve said as Antonio leaned into his hand.

"So bossy," Antonio said, but his eyes were slipping closed.

Steve looked around, spotting a chair on the other side of the bed. Antonio hadn't thrown up, which meant all that alcohol was still in his system. He couldn't chance leaving Antonio alone. He walked around, sliding into the chair with a heavy sigh. "JARVIS, lights," he said quietly, settling in as the lights faded.

Not drunk enough, this Tony had said. Not drunk enough to chase away the nightmares, but willing to nearly kill himself to find that release? Another reason Steve couldn't just leave after that. Not when Antonio didn't have his own version of Steve Rogers to stop him. Maybe Antonio and the other Steve weren't in the same sort of relationship, but Steve could stand in as a much needed friend in the mean time. If this Tony was the same as his, then Tony was always short on friends anyway.

If this Tony was the same as his Tony... Steve cut short that thought.

Steve stared at the sleeping figure, trying to imagine what his world was like. Bucky was alive, but apparently Asgard had fallen? And Antonio... Antonio was so sick that he looked pale and gaunt on the best days, and he tried drinking himself to death more than once. _His_ Tony was as much a light house to Steve when he was lost among the waves as Bucky had been before the ice. He wondered if his other self felt the same, even if it was only in friendship. He couldn't imagine a version of him that wouldn't try to keep Tony safe, even if it was from himself.

He sat there for over an hour, starting when he heard a soft knock on the door. It opened before he could call out. "Hey. JARVIS said you came here tonight? Sorry. I was-" His Tony stopped in the doorway, staring at Steve as the blue light from the reactor flooded the room.

Suddenly, the comment about going to the wrong room made a lot more sense. Steve was... Steve told himself _very_ firmly that he was not imagining the two of them sleeping together. Not until he was alone and preferably in a shower where no one would hear him as he took care of the problem.

"It's not what it looks like," Tony said quietly. "Natasha's comment about narcissism aside, we're just... sleeping. Really. Nothing more, so don't-"

"It's okay," Steve said, cutting Tony off before he got more agitated and woke up his other self. He decided it wasn't the time to mention he wasn't exactly _against_ other reasons the Tonys might end up in the same bed together. "I trust you," Steve continued, which was true as well. Steve was, admittedly, not immune to being jealous, but he knew Tony wasn't the type to stray. "And he seems to need it."

Tony looked surprised by the admission. Steve still wasn't sure what was going on between them, but it warmed something in him that Tony hadn't taken on other lovers while they were figuring things out. There were many things Steve had learned he'd been painfully wrong about in his initial assessment of Tony, and one of them was how incredibly faithful the man was, playboy reputation aside. That Tony was staying celibate now meant he was serious about wherever they were headed, and it sent a wave of happiness through Steve to realize they were both on the same track.

Tony coughed softly, looking awkward. "So... any reason you're here, then?"

"He was drinking too much," Steve replied, looking down. "I didn't want to chance letting him sleep it off alone."

Tony swore, sounding guilty. "Should have been up earlier. But I got caught up in those nanites of his."

When Tony fell silent, Steve looked at the figure sleeping, sprawled on the big bed. Not the first time this has happened even in _this_ dimension then. He honestly didn't know how to take that knowledge.

"It's funny," Tony said, breaking the silence. "He makes _me_ look well adjusted, which is just... That's fucked up."

"He said it wasn't the first time he's tried to kill himself," Steve said, looking up at the blue lit figure standing across the room. Tony was a literal beacon of light in this world that Steve would be adrift without. And Steve was burning with a question he was terrified of asking, because he would be right back in the darkened ice if that light ever went out. He couldn't help but think that with only the arc reactor's light, Tony's eyes looked a little blue.

Now it was Tony's turn to look away. Steve felt his breath hitch as the silence went on, answering the question he couldn't ask with equal words.

"Tony," Steve choked out. "I need you. Please don't..."

At that, Tony looked up, sitting on the bed on the other side of the alternate him. "You... It's been a while, I promise," Tony said, starting to reach out to Steve, but hesitating and pulling back. "And you don't need me, Steve. There's others who-"

"I do," Steve said. "I need all of the Avengers. You're all that's grounding me in this century. But Tony, you know I..."

This time Tony didn't hesitate, leaning over his other self to press a finger against Steve's lips. He smiled weakly, trailing his finger over Steve's upper lip, then lower. Steve caught the hand as it moved on to his cheek, bringing it back to his mouth as he pressed a kiss into Tony's fingers. If Tony wouldn't let him say the words, he'd find another way.

Tony's hand curled around his briefly, but Steve felt him pulling away shortly after. He let Tony go for now, but he wasn't going to let this go on the way things were much longer. It wasn't the time yet, not with all that was going on. Not with Antonio still sleeping.

His Tony reached down to his sleeping alternate, hand running through his dark hair. Antonio stirred, blinking wearily up at the light source. "Greg?" he asked, a small smile on his lips. "Didja bring coffee?"

"Sorry, but I'm not Gregory," Tony said, his eyes shutting down at the words. "No coffee either. You were the one who said we needed more sleep."

Steve watched as Antonio struggled to sit up, reaching out to Tony's face. "Anthony."

"Sorry to disappoint," Tony joked, though the tone felt flat.

"You're never a disappointment," Antonio said, tugging Tony down until he was lying on the bed and curling around him. "Not to me. Never a disappointment to me, Anthony."

"Which one are you talking to?" Tony asked, though his voice wavered, sounding much more wounded and vulnerable than he had earlier.

"I'd have been proud if my Anthony could have grown up to be like you," Antonio said, and Steve watched as his Tony's shoulders shook. Antonio kissed his forehead, seemingly unaware Steve was still in the room. "Sleep," Antonio said, alcohol already pulling him back under.

Steve wanted to pull his Tony out of the doppelganger's arms to hold him for himself. He couldn't though; he couldn't take that comfort away from Antonio. But he _ached_ to do so, and listening to Tony's breaths even out into sleep didn't change that.

"You don't have to stay," Tony said some time later. Steve had been drifting, so it took him a moment to recognize that it was his Tony talking. "I'll look after him."

"I'd like to stay, if you don't mind," Steve said.

For a moment, Steve thought Tony would say no. But then he saw the small nod in the glow of the arc reactor, and Steve felt some of the tension leave his shoulders. "Good night, Steve," Tony said.

"Night," Steve replied, leaning back in the chair. They could talk later. The sound of two people breathing was enough to lull him to a light sleep, and this time neither the dreams nor the nightmares haunted him.

* * *

It had been a while since Tony regularly woke up curled into someone else. Not since he and Pepper broke up, really. It was even longer since he'd been curled up to a male form. Most of his affairs with men had been limited to one night stands and he never stayed in bed with those.

The smell of alcohol was a little overwhelming, but on the whole Tony was more than willing to curl closer. It was definitely weird feeling a beard pricking at his neck though. Not a bad weird, but different. He could see now what Pepper meant when she complained it tickled.

There was a soft chuckle that didn't belong to his other self. Tony cracked open an eye to see Steve wearing a tired, but amused smile. "Comfortable?" he asked quietly.

Tony fought the urge to stick out his tongue and snuggle closer. He may be accused of acting childish, but he had enough dignity left not to give people more ammunition. Antonio answered before he could, nuzzling closer and prickling Tony's neck further. "Very, though I could do without the hangover. You're more than welcome to join us."

Both Steve and Tony tensed at that, and Tony felt a hand rubbing small, soothing circles on his back to relax him. "Hm," Antonio said. "It's not like us to move so slowly, old boy."

"There are reasons," Tony said. He'd meant to sound more annoyed, but it came out a little like a pout, which he was going to blame on the hand wrapped around his back. And there were reasons, and good ones too. He'd taken things slowly with Pepper because he wanted to do things right. He wanted to do things right with Steve too, plus there had been Steve's added baggage, and the fact Tony had still been getting over Pepper... They just - they needed slow.

His doppelganger chuckled. "If you say so. I guess that means that for now, you're all mine."

 _That_ got a reaction out of Steve. Tony raised a sleepy eyebrow at the face Steve was making. Tony couldn't tell if he was angry or flustered. He needed more coffee before trying to discern Steve's disapproval faces. "You're not helping," Tony told his alternate self. "And you're being an ass."

"Did you expect anything less of us?" Antonio asked.

Tony paused, then replied, "No, not really."

Steve sighed in exasperation, shifting in his chair. "Look, if you two are-"

"Are you enjoying the mental image, Captain?" Antonio asked.

Tony's other eyebrow joined the first as Steve turned a little red. That wasn't a response Tony had been expecting. Also, a little hot, knowing Steve was having those kinds of thoughts about him. "If you're awake," Steve continued ignoring the comment. "We need to talk."

His doppelganger moaned, burying his face against Tony. Tony automatically brought up a hand to run though his other self's hair, noting the wince. He started to rub gently, messaging Antonio's head in hopes of alleviating the headache and praying he wasn't about to get puked on. "You are a cruel man," Antonio muttered to Steve. "No 'talks' during a hangover. If we promise to let you watch, would you leave me in peace?"

" _Tony_."

He could feel Antonio's mouth turn into a pout against his neck. "That's the same tone in every universe," he muttered, prompting a snort from Tony.

"Don't look at me for help," Tony replied. "He's angry with you, not me, this time."

"Et tu, Antony?" the other him asked with a sigh. He groaned as he pulled away and sat up, blinking red-rimmed eyes at Steve. Tony missed the contact immediately, and he wondered if that was part revenge for throwing his other self under the bus.

"Alright, let's get this over with," Antonio said.

"Next time, you find one of us," Steve said, his eyes hard. "And you start cutting back on how much you drink while you're here."

"I'm touched," Antonio said dryly. "Though I don't see why it's any of your concern."

"While you're here, you _are_ our concern," Steve said as Tony sat up as well. "And I can't... Promise me you won't do that again. Find one of us or the other Avengers."

Antonio narrowed his eyes, which Tony knew from experience could be quite a feat with a hangover. "I think you need to remember that I'm not _him_ ," he said, gesturing to Tony. "And I don't need-"

"Please," Tony said, moving behind his other self and resting his chin on Antonio's shoulder. He felt his doppelganger tense as he slipped his arm around Antonio's waist.

"That's not fair," Antonio said grumpily. "I never thought another version of myself would try to keep me sober."

"Please," Tony repeated again, hugging him tighter. He felt strange, because he wasn't a stranger to the bottle himself, but he'd never been as far gone on it as Antonio either. This version of him took alcoholism to whole new levels.

Antonio sighed, leaning back against Tony's chest. Tony resolved to have a chat with JARVIS to alert them if this happened again. He'd also make some adjustments to the code he was giving Antonio. Maybe his other self would catch it, but he could at least try to have JARVIS notify the people in the other world if it happened again once he went back home.

"Alright," Antonio said softly, sagging against him in defeat. There was a grief in his shoulders that made Tony want to hold him that much tighter. "But I can't... I'm not stopping completely. Not after..."

Steve looked about to argue, but Tony knew this was as good as they were going to get. "Okay," he agreed before Steve could speak. Because he knew far too well that you had to want to stop, and this Tony didn't want to. Not to mention the withdrawals. Maybe it was a matter of time, or maybe the drink would eventually claim him, but right now the fact that he'd cut back was a big enough concession for Tony to accept.

"Tony-" Steve started.

"Later," Tony said. He would explain later if Steve was going to go all righteous and judgmental. Right now he had to keep watch over Antonio's back, taking the small steps for what they were and maybe encouraging the next one.

"Maybe I shouldn't be surprised," Antonio murmured. "Anthony got me the closest to sober I've ever been."

"I'm not..." Tony choked out, hating his alternate self in that moment. It was the story of his life: People who were already dead were always better than him.

"I know," the other Tony, placing a hand over Tony's that was wrapped around him. "I'm sorry. You're not Gregory or my Anthony. I keep..."

Tony hunched down, pressing his face against Antonio's back since he didn't want to see what Steve was making of this conversation. It was too early in the morning for emotions. Without coffee, he was too willing to let things out, to let his guard down just enough to say things he didn't want to admit. Knowing that Steve was watching all of this just made things worse.

He felt Antonio shift around and arms curl around his back as his doppelganger returned the embrace. "I meant what I said last night," Antonio said. He was a bit surprised his other self remembered anything from last night. Did the nanites help flush the alcohol from Antonio's system? "I'd have liked it if he could have grown up to be someone like you," he continued.

"You really wouldn't," Tony protested. He started to say more, but a hand on his cheek stopped him. Bastard. It really wasn't fair that someone else already knew all of Tony's weaknesses.

"I would," Antonio said. "You have his smile. He'd have liked you as much as I do."

Tony didn't know if this was messed up psychology or if he was healthier to stay away from this. He didn't care though, because he wanted to stay curled up with his other self. Whether Antonio thought he was Gregory or Anthony, it was still _approval_ , which was something he never got when being compared to the dead. He was found lacking by his father compared to Captain America, by the rest of the world compared to his father. Even Steve, at first, had wanted Howard back more than him. At least now he was getting approval.

"Come on, Captain," he heard himself drawl. Except it wasn't himself. It was Tony's voice, but definitely his other self's cadence. "Join the cuddle pile. You know you want to."

Tony immediately imagined how it would feel to have Steve's arms wrap around both of them, like they'd wrapped around him the other day. Never mind what he'd thought earlier about staying the same. If Steve was added into the equation too, Tony could deal with change.

But when Tony looked up, Steve's expression was stormy. "I'll stay over here," he said, his voice tight with anger.

Tony felt his spirits fall. He was about to tell his other self off for making Steve jealous, but Antonio beat him to the chase. "Then I will just keep him to myself," he said.

Tony opened his mouth and prepared to move away when a small nose that Tony was _not_ going to admit was a squeak escaped him. He glared at Antonio, who only smirked back and didn't remove the hand gripping his ass. He should, by all rights, move away. Except that would mean moving away from comfort, and Antonio knew that, the bastard.

"You do that," Steve said, his face a stone of disapproval. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm already late for my morning workout." He left without a backward glance at the two of them.

Tony sighed internally, not giving up on glaring as Antonio gave him another squeeze. "You've made him angry."

"Oh, I wouldn't call that angry," Antonio chuckled. When Tony's glare changed to questioning, his alternate self continued with a smirk. "And I doubt he's going for a workout. At least, not the kind he would do in a gym. He was having a rather impressive party between his legs, old boy. I imagine it had something to do with the thought of the two of us together."

Tony hadn't thought to look down from Steve's face. He wasn't going to make that mistake again, since obviously Steve's angry face was too much like his 'I'm ridiculously turned on and trying to hide it' face. Thinking back over Steve's past behavior, Tony wondered how many of those storm outs had been to hide little Cap's interest. This required further research. And testing. Lots of testing.

"Besides," Antonio said. "You weren't exactly pulling away."

"I should have," Tony said, though he still didn't pull away, and he knew Antonio could feel how those revelations had been affecting _him_. Unlike Steve, Tony felt no reason to hide the fact he was half hard.

Antonio's hand returned upwards on Tony's back. Tony could only figure that his alternate did indeed know why he hadn't pulled away. He needed the contact, and Tony knew his other self wouldn't take it too far. "The offer is still open," Antonio said. "Just imagine his face if we let him watch."

Tony could imagine Steve's face. He'd been imagining it filled with lust for a while now. Also the thought of sex with his other self was... Okay, maybe Natasha had a point about the whole narcissist thing, because fuck, that was hot. "No," he said firmly, refusing to let any regret enter his voice.

"If you say so, old boy," Antonio said with a knowing smirk.

Tony could see why Pepper and Rhodey hated that smirk.

* * *

Two days later Tony left his other self in bed as he got up early. He snuck out of the room and headed down to the workshop. There he suited up, flying off into the pre-dawn sky.

It was quiet. Tony didn't put on any music, so all he could hear was the wind and the occasional beep from the suit to avoid other air traffic. He hated the silence, hated the oppressive quiet and loneliness, but he didn't talk to JARVIS or ask for music.

He only stopped to pick up some flowers and to clear his visit with the perimeter guard at the battle site, who waved Iron Man through even with the flimsy excuse that he wanted to check for evidence one last time. He touched down lightly in front of the crumbling buildings. They'd be brought down soon and rebuilt on money from the Maria Stark Foundation, because the weapons Tony had created had been so strong that the buildings that had been hit by them were too dangerous to stand as they were. But for now they still stood, in no danger of falling down right this minute, and Tony put the flowers he'd bought on the sidewalk. The worst of the debris had been cleaned up, to the point where the side walk almost looked normal. Then he stepped out of the suit, feeling the chilly air through the jacket he'd worn under the suit.

He should say something. But what could he say? It wasn't like there was anyone to say it to. So he stood vigil and every time he closed his eyes, he could see the blue spotted in red, and the hand that had lain where he placed the flowers.

He'd been there for two hours before Thor landed next to him. "We were worried," Thor said by way of greeting. "You do not look well, my friend."

"I'm fine," Tony said, feeling distant. He almost couldn't tell if he was here or in the battle, because it was playing before his eyes like JARVIS's cameras. He could hear the screams, feel the blinding explosion that changed every sound to ringing. See her hand, knowing he'd failed.

Thor looked down at the flowers, his gaze softening. "It was here?"

"She's dead because of me," Tony said, his mouth on automatic.

"She is dead because a few thoughtless mortals decided that violence was the way to get what they desired," Thor said. "You did everything you could, Shield-brother."

Anger pulled Tony out of the battle and into the present. "I could have saved her!" he yelled, clenching his hands into fists. "You've seen the footage. There was half a dozen things I could have done to save her. She was killed by my tech, Thor! If I'd found it sooner, or if I'd been faster-"

Thor set down Mjölnir, coming to stand in front of Tony as he took Tony's hands in his own. "If that is true, then we are all to blame for her death, since none of us found the stolen weapons in time," Thor said calmly. "And it was our fault for not having your back, Tony, allowing you to be wounded and unable to make the right call. You had a concussion and fought bravely despite your wounds. You cannot blame yourself for this."

"Why not?" Tony asked with a laugh that held no mirth. "Everyone else does."

"My friend-"

"Not everyone," a female voice said.

Both Thor and Tony jumped at the new voice. Thor immediately picked up Mjölnir and stood in front of Tony. Which Tony would have been offended about, but yeah, his suit was in the direction of the voice and although it was in lockdown, it was useless until he reactivated it. He needed to come up with a better way than the bracelets to call the suit.

Tony looked up to see a middle-aged woman with brown skin and red-rimmed eyes. Her dark hair was straightened and rested on her shoulders stylishly, and she had a brown coat wrapped around her, though Tony could see the black dress underneath. Rebecca Conner, née Jefferson, his mind supplied. Born 1975. Married Bobby Conner in 1999, disowned by both of their families for the interracial marriage. Moved to New York in 2000. In 2002, she got her MD. In 2004, she had her first child, a girl named...

"Jasmine always came home from school this way," Dr. Conner said, her soft southern accent slipping through her polished tone. "She stopped by the corner store to look at the fashion magazines. She wanted to design 'em one day."

Tony closed his eyes, every word feeling like a bullet. "You are..?" Thor asked uncertainly.

"Dr. Becca Conner," the woman said, not offering her hand.

"Civilians aren't allowed to be here," Tony said, unable to look away once he opened his eyes again, but wishing desperately that he could.

"They let me through when I said I wanted to visit the place she... One of the policemen came with me, but I figured he could hang back a little when I saw I wasn't the first one here. He agreed." Dr. Conner walked forward, kneeling by the flowers. "She was here, wasn't she?"

Tony nodded, his voice catching in his throat. She leaned down and traced the sidewalk with her fingers as Tony waited for the accusations. Thor wouldn't let her get violent, but Tony wanted to let her hit him. It wouldn't atone for what he'd done, but if it would make her happier, he'd let her.

But she didn't try to hit him, or scream at him, or any of the things he wanted her to do. She stayed there on the ground, closing her eyes as she put her hands together in prayer. Tony and Thor didn't speak, watching as some tears fell down her face.

Tony felt Thor's hand on his back, but he couldn't look away. This was his punishment, his guilt. His duty to stand watch and understand just how much the death and destruction he wrought cost. He felt tears prick at his own eyes, but he held them back. He didn't deserve to shed them.

Finally, the woman stood up and wiped her eyes. "Rest in peace, baby girl. I know God just needed to take back one of his angels," she said quietly. Tony felt dirty, standing beside her at such a private moment when this was all his fault.

Then she turned around to look at Tony, sharp and intelligent eyes piercing through him. She was a doctor, and a good one, Tony recalled from her file. The complete antithesis of everything Tony was. She was brilliant and amazing, and Tony had ruined her life twice over, because not only had he taken her daughter, but her husband died during the Chitauri attack. Here was a woman who used her intelligence to save lives instead of taking them, and Tony had given her nothing but hell. "I..." he started, knowing that no apology could ever make up for his failure. Nothing could possibly make up for a girl's life.

"I meant what I said," Dr. Conner, looking up at him with a firm look in her eyes that were still bright with unshed tears. "Not everyone blames you."

Tony felt his mouth open wordlessly before he finally forced his voice to work. "You can't mean that. After everything-"

"My Bobby, he swore by Stark weapons," Dr. Conner interrupted, smoothing down her jacket. "He said it was the only thing that kept him alive when he was on active duty. He wouldn't accept an upgrade after you got out of the guns business. Said Stark guns were meant to last, and he didn't trust Hammer Tech to have his back when things got rough."

Tony felt like he couldn't breathe as she went on, faces of the soldiers he'd failed nearly overwhelming him as they passed before his eyes. "After he got back," she continued, "Bobby always kept a Stark model 1610 in the drawer beside the bed to protect us."

"It didn't save him in the end," Tony said, the words sticking in his throat. One more person he'd failed to save.

"He left it home that day when he went to see if he could help out with the first responders," Dr. Conner replied calmly. "I used it to protect me and Jasmine from looters. He'd have wanted it that way."

He felt Thor's hand on his back trying to ground him, anchor him, but he was too far adrift to catch the line. "So what?" he asked, feeling angry despite himself. "You forgive me because I made guns? Even ones that didn't save either of them? Weapons that _killed_ her?"

"No," Dr. Conner said. "But you were always a part of my life, Mr. Stark, and I want you to realize that. Bobby grumbled about your decision to stop making guns, but I respected it. Especially when you became Jasmine's favorite. She figured if her Daddy trusted Stark Tech so much, it had to be good. You had to be good."

Tony was finally able to look away, closing his eyes. His lungs burned with every breath he took. "Not good enough to save her," he said quietly. He wasn't good. He wasn't a good man at all. Thor and the others, they were good. But him? He didn't have the red room or brainwashing as an excuse. He didn't have the pursuit of science to better humanity to blame. The weapons were all him. One hundred percent war profiteering Tony Stark, continuing his father's bloody legacy with a quick retort and a charming smile. His other self hadn't focused solely on weapons. He could have done the same.

"You weren't drunk like the papers say?" Dr. Conner asked, and Tony flinched.

"Nay, fair lady," Thor replied for him. "The Man of Iron was wounded, but not drunk."

"Fair lady? Never been called that before," she said with a hint of amusement, before returning to a more solemn tone. "With a concussion, you'd be disoriented and in pain. That's enough to throw anyone's judgement off. If you weren't drunk, then you did the best you could, given the circumstances. It wasn't your fault."

"If I'd been faster or-"

"Stop." The command brought Tony to a halt, and there weren't many people who could command his silence. But he gave it to this woman.

Dr. Conner walked up to them, and it was only Thor's hand on his back that kept Tony in place as she reached up. Instead of a slap, he felt a hand brushing his cheek, wiping away the tears he hadn't realized were falling. "Those kinds of thoughts won't bring my baby back, Mr. Stark. You couldn't save her, but you saved the rest of us. That's one of the first things you learn as a doctor. You can't save everyone.

"Lord knows how many times I've wondered why the patient's family didn't blame me," she continued. "But we aren't gods, Mr. Stark, not even him." Dr. Conner motioned towards Thor, who bowed his head. "Only God saves us all in the end, the rest of us just try to do the best we can. And I believe those whom God takes from us come back as angels to guide us and help us from making the same mistakes."

"I don't believe in God," Tony said numbly, vaguely knowing that that wasn't the best thing to say in this situation. He was in too far over his head, drowning on dry land as this woman who was everything he wasn't floated above the water.

She looked sad at his words, but didn't preach to him, thankfully. The last thing he needed was pretty lies wrapped in a big religious bow saying he was forgiven of all his sins. The world didn't work like that. The universe's only kindness for him would be the oblivion after his death. He could only hope to save enough people from his own inventions before that happened.

"Then I'll believe for the both of us," Dr. Conner said. "But you can't let this stop you from going back out there. There are kids out there just like my Jasmine, and you're one of the few people who can keep them safe when aliens and monsters try to tear the world apart. You're one of the only people who can stand up to them, so that's what you have to keep doing. For Jasmine and everyone else we couldn't save."

Tony stiffened as she pulled him down into a hug. This woman had more strength than any of them, and he still couldn't understand how she was doing this. Tony was a fake, masquerading around and hidden under a suit of armor. Dr. Becca Conner and people like her were the real heroes, saving lives on a daily basis, not just whenever a major threat happened. She had every right to hate him and curse his name, but here she was _forgiving_ him when Tony knew he didn't deserve it. He didn't think he could do what she did. "I..." he said again, wishing he could promise that he wouldn't let it happen again, wishing he _did_ believe in angels, because it would be easier to think he hadn't destroyed the little girl entirely. But he couldn't do either. Tony Stark could deny a lot of things, but he couldn't live in denial for this.

"I'm sorry," he choked out, knowing it wasn't enough, would never be enough, but it was the only thing he could give.

He felt Dr. Conner's shoulders hitch in a sob underneath him. "I know," was all she said as she started crying again.

When she finally let him go, she turned to both him and Thor. Thor also had tears rolling down his cheeks, but Thor made it look noble, rather than the weakness Tony felt for having lost control in front of them. "Come with me to the funeral," she said, as she wiped her own tears away. "All of the Avengers are invited. But you especially."

"But your brother-"

"He wasn't Jasmine's guardian, no matter how much he helped me out after Bobby's death," Dr. Conner said. "He can deal with me if he wants to scream at someone. And I know Jasmine would have liked to have you all there."

"You do us a great honor," Thor replied. "I will pass on word to the others."

Tony couldn't. He couldn't handle it, the thought of standing there and watching the coffin (closed coffin service, because Tony had seen first hand how gruesome his weapons had left her) being lowered to the ground knowing that he was the cause.

"Mr. Stark?"

He also couldn't say no. This was his fault. He had to see it through to the end. He couldn't deny this request. He nodded, taking a moment to compose himself before he spoke again. "I'll be there."

"Thank you," Dr. Conner said.

He didn't deserve her thanks or her comfort. There was no way for him to make this right. He couldn't face the quiet pride in Thor's eyes either, but he also couldn't resist the hug Thor drew him into. "Come, my friend. Let us prepare and let Dr. Conner take over our vigil here."

Dr. Conner nodded and turned back to the flowers on the sidewalk. She wiped at her eyes and said, "Jasmine would have liked the flowers."

Tony couldn't look at her any longer. He pulled away from Thor and let the suit shelter him before he took off to return to the Tower. He needed to pick out a dark suit and prepare for the hell that he was walking into. Now that was denial he'd allow himself to sink into for what short time he could, because there was no way to 'prepare' for this. There was no penitence to erase this sin, and no God to forgive him. There was only himself and the dead.

It's not like he could forgive himself anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memory: And there ends chapter 3. For some reason, this fic has so many angst scene ends. I'm not sure why that ended up happening, but at least they're not cliff hangers? Except for one, anyway...
> 
> Have some Tony feels for the end of the chapter. Because this quote does make me think of both Galen and Tony. XD
> 
> "It's easier not to want forgiveness or to expect it. We just keep trying to fix the mistake so we don't have to ask. But you end up trying so hard to atone for one set of mistakes that you over compensate and make new ones. And then you can never break out of the cycle. You just keep going around and around. No way out and no where to go."  
> -Matthew Gideon, _Crusade_


	4. We can't save them from ourselves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks: Thanks as always to Nar, for pointing out I have an almost sex scene that I keep forgetting. Also thanks to Salma, for pointing out things that needed fixing in this chapter. And thanks to iloome, ladedanixie, fujimore, actionfan, hogwartshoney, krusca, Bibli, Turtle, and be_mine for reviewing the last chapter. I always appreciate comments!   
> Notes: Okay, so first things first. Posting on Mondays _sucks_ , so I won't be doing this anymore. Sorry iloome, but the next update is going to have to be Thursday. It will end up being Wednesday night for most of you, but I just can't do Mondays any more.
> 
> Now on to notes for the fic itself... So like, I keep forgetting that there's an almost sex scene in this chapter. -_-;;; It's two paragraphs and nothing much happens, but I wonder if I should up the rating? At least before I completely forget about it again. Speaking of the almost sex, it's potentially dub-con in nature due to a flashback that halts it. It is stopped immediately once the flashback hits. I'm not sure if that would be enough to count as dub-con, but if it is, let me know.
> 
> This is also the chapter I did some drunk writing in. You can tell, because Rhodey was not supposed to be part of this fic. A bit of Vodka, and Rhodey decides to take over. Why do you do this to me, Rhodey? You just made the fic longer.
> 
> Finally, this is my one cliff hanger of the fic. And yes, I'm totally a bitch for making you wait a couple days longer than normal for the resolution of it, but damn it, _updating on Mondays sucks_. So. Just keep that in mind.
> 
> That said, I hope you enjoy and have a happy Easter!

Natasha walked into the living room, finding their guest watching the news and shaking his head as he sipped at his ever-present martini. "He shouldn't do this to himself," the man murmured quietly.

"No, he shouldn't," Natasha agreed, watching Antonio turn to her with wounded eyes as she fought down the irrational hurt at that. He had good reason to be hurt at the sound of her voice.

"Weren't you supposed to be at the funeral?" Antonio asked, his voice laced with tension and longing.

"I sent my regrets," Natasha replied. "But I'm off on a secret mission. Mostly I wanted to talk to you." She looked up at the screen, ignoring the way Antonio's hand tightened around the glass.

"He'll be okay," she said, returning to their earlier topic to try to relax him. _To throw him off guard_ , her mind supplied. But that wasn't what she wanted, not really. She just wanted to not see betrayal in his blue eyes. "The others will help," she continued. "They have him."

"And you have me, I suppose?" Antonio said bitingly. "What now? Espionage and intrigue? Darling, your murder plans always did have flair. After all, usually one doesn't make a big production of killing children, but you did it stunningly."

Natasha winced at the words, and it wasn't an act. "Stark-"

Antonio sighed, swirling the alcohol in the glass. "Yes, I know. Different worlds. I apologize. That was... unfair of me."

Natasha was quiet as she sat down next to the other Tony. He didn't relax, regarding her warily. She hated that look. "Not a lot's been fair to you," she said, curling her legs up against her chest. "I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"It wasn't you," Antonio said with a shrug. "Emotional responses aside, intellectually it's logical, given the state of other changes I've seen. And the others have continually vouched for you, saying you wouldn't turn on them. You have nothing to apologize for."

"It was a version of me," Natasha said, closing her eyes. She could picture it so well, if Clint hadn't made her consider switching sides. She could have done something like that to this world's Tony Stark, and with the Red Room's conditioning, she wouldn't have even felt guilty. It sickened her, because she never wanted it to happen, and it terrified her, because of how compromised that thought revealed her to be.

"She should have shaken off the Red Room's conditioning," she said, resolutely not thinking about what if her other self _had_ and murdered Clint's family anyway. "She shouldn't have done that to you."

Antonio regarded her thoughtfully, a cold gleam in his eyes. "Back when we started our whole torrid affair, my Natasha once told me love was for children." Natasha refused to react to that, keeping her breath steady. She had said that to Loki, feeding him half truths to lure out the information she wanted. It looks like her other self had been doing the same. She had the feeling this Tony had seen through the act she threw up too. "I assumed," he continued, "to my great misfortune, that the sentiment had changed after I proposed to her. But you really are compromised, aren't you, Ms. Romanov? Interesting."

"Is there a problem with that?" she snapped.

Blue eyes stared back at her, far too intelligent for the amount of alcohol the man consumed. Not even her Tony could read her this well. She wondered how long this Tony had been intimate with her other self, for him to know her this well. The other Natasha must have had to allow a few of her natural tells in order for this Tony to believe her.

Then Antonio raised his glass to her. "No problems from me," he said. "But you're still lying to them. I've gone over the security footage of my Natasha extensively since she died, looking for hints of her betrayal. Hindsight and all that. And you... You, my darling, are hiding something."

"Not lying exactly," Natasha said.

"Then indulge an old drunk," Antonio replied.

Natasha looked away, staring at the news without really seeing it. Clint knew. He didn't have to ask. But this... She couldn't refuse if this Tony was asking. The others wouldn't believe him if he tried to tell them, but Natasha Romanov owed this Tony Stark a debt that she didn't know if she could make up for. "There have been rumors," she said softly. "About old enemies coming back. Enemies that would need to be infiltrated. And one day, the problem will be big enough that Nick Fury is going to decide to send me in. He'll ask me to betray the team, probably publicly after I've managed to subdue the suspicions of those in power. It'll tip them over to trusting me completely. And I won't be able to say no, not with what's at stake. When that day comes, I will have to make it hurt. I will have to use everything the team has told me against them, and I won't be able to allow myself to regret it."

Antonio sucked in a breath beside her. He was quiet for a long moment, and Natasha allowed the coverage of the funeral to wash over her. Her Tony, the one on the screen, was flanked by Clint and Bruce, with Steve and Thor keeping away any reporter that tried to get close by looming menacingly.

Her boys.

The thought sent shivers down her spine, because that was only a step below _family_. They were dangerous, because they were a link that others could exploit and use to hurt her. They were dangerous and so very addicting. Clint had said it was a good look on her, but she was scared of what it meant to give in.

"I see Fury has his ways in this world too," Antonio said, the anger in his voice startling her out of her thoughts. "At least he shouldn't have the 'trinkets' I found on my brother's servers in this world, helping him control the more unreasonable members of his special team. But not having the tech never stopped him before."

Natasha watched Antonio grow more agitated. He was angry... for her? That was unexpected. "It's the way of things," she said with a casual shrug that she didn't feel. If it wasn't this rumor, there would be another. There was always another. And there wasn't much she could do beyond prepare for the day it happened and hope they would forgive her eventually. If they didn't take her back, she'd know better than to let herself get too close next time. She should have known better this time.

"And that's that?" Antonio asked, his anger shifting to her now. "You're just going to go along with it and let it happen?"

"You know as well as I do someone has to be the villain," Natasha said. "Sometimes, it's the only way."

Antonio deflated at that, looking lost and so frighteningly lonely. Her Tony and this one, they'd both seen things that would crush morals down from back and white until only grey was left. "Gregory was like that, sometimes," he said, his voice just barely above a whisper. "But I can't..."

"You already have though, haven't you?" Natasha asked. "Taken part in something that the others would hate you for if they knew."

"Yes," Antonio said, staring down at his hands. "I thought I could..." He was unable to finish.

Natasha uncurled from her position, taking a reckless chance as she leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips. He kissed her back desperately as he licked into her mouth with a passion that nearly broke her as his hands fell to her hips. Had anyone ever loved her that much? If it had been her, she didn't know if she could have gone through with the mission, even with the Red Room's conditioning. No matter what the movies said, she knew love was not an all-powerful force that could break brainwashing, but part of her ached that this passion had been given to another her so freely and then tossed away like a soiled pair of gloves.

He pulled her closer and she went willingly. Natasha had been right. The other Tony did want this, and his affinity for denial was almost higher than her Tony's. She could be his Natasha for a while, but the Natasha that he deserved, not the one who hurt him. He left her mouth, slowly trailing kisses along her neck. She gasped as he hit a spot right behind her ear, licking it teasingly in promise of a later mark. She held back a moan at the tongue that denied her as she was sure that it would only turn into a whine, and she gripped his shoulders tightly, wanting to leave a bruise on those well muscled arms. His hands moved upward slowly, cupping her breasts as his mouth moved back down, pulling at the zipper of her jumpsuit with his teeth.

She knew what Antonio was doing, trying to drive her wild so this became about her. But this was for him, and Natasha was going to make the sex mind-blowing for him as well. Tony wasn't the only one who knew some good tricks. She pushed him down onto the couch, keeping her touch light. He went down with a whine at the loss of contact, blue eyes burning into her as she chased him down, straddling his hips and brushing against his slowly hardening erection as she leaned down to kiss him again.

Then he went completely still underneath her, muscles tensing under her hands.

Natasha was off him in an instant, trying to gain back her breath as she wondered what went wrong. She hadn't been reading him wrong. He had obviously _wanted_ this, but something changed. Something she was missing.

His eyes were cold and guarded when she looked at him again. "May I ask why you did that?" he asked lightly, though his knuckles were white as they curled into fists.

"It's something I can give you," Natasha said, too late to back out now as she smoothed her hair down but didn't pull the zipper back up. It wasn't guilt that prompted this. If it was just for a night or two until Antonio returned home, she knew she would enjoy the sex. There was no question of that. And it was short enough that he wouldn't become attached to _her_ rather than her other self. She wouldn't become that attached either. She knew better than that. No strings. She could give him this and be what he wanted, and part of her desperately wanted it as well.

"I can guess what she must have done," Natasha continued. "I... I could give you some memories you don't have to doubt. I don't mind if you pretended that I was her. I can be her, if that's what you want."

"You don't love me," Antonio said, his voice a low rasp. "And you don't love him."

"He's my friend," she replied, feeling like the ground was dropping out from under her with that admission. It had been bad enough with Clint, but this... One person, maybe two, she could handle. So many weak points at once left her scrambling to build defenses as the flood overwhelmed her.

But she forced herself to look the other Tony in the eye, seeing the endless blue that both chilled and warmed her. "He's my friend," she said more firmly. "I'm not in love with him, no, but does that make my love any less?"

"No, I suppose not," Antonio said, looking at her with a haunted expression that he allowed himself for the first time in her sight. He was dying of thirst, and her barricades had sprung with too many leaks against the flood.

She waited, wondering if this would actually help, or if it would simply make things worse. "What went wrong?" she asked quietly, searching for a clue.

He looked away. "There are too many... Under other circumstances, I would accept gladly. I'm sure you're aware how far I'm willing to go into denial. But I'm afraid even an illusion wouldn't help me. She was..." Antonio paused, swallowing and trying to hide the hitch in his breath. "She was on top of me just like that when she killed Jarvis. She shot him right though the head and returned the gun to mine like it was nothing. I don't think I could relax enough now to keep going."

Natasha nodded, cold fury burning up her throat like acid. That _bitch_ had killed someone that important to Tony while trying to seduce him? How much of a monster had she been in that world? The anger was better than the guilt she felt, because she hadn't known - couldn't have known - that would trigger him.

How much of a monster could she have been here?

"What would it have been like, if you were in her place?" Antonio mused, picking up his glass again and throwing back the remainder of his martini.

"I don't know," she said, her voice rough and low. Could she have loved Antonio Stark? She didn't know the answer to that, or how she could push away the thought of the wounded look this Tony gave her duplicated on the faces of her teammates.

"Neither do I," he said, returning his blue eyes, now dull and guarded, to the news on the screen.

Natasha closed her eyes for a moment, opening them as she stood up and zipped her jumpsuit properly. Now that she knew, she'd only make things worse by-

"You could stay," Antonio said, stopping her in her tracks. "I promised our dear Captain that I wouldn't drink as much, but if I'm alone, the chances of me breaking that promise would increase exponentially."

"You're sure?" she asked.

"Darling, never question my numbers. I'll be through the bottle in an hour left to my own devices."

"That wasn't what I meant, Stark." Besides which, having her in the room would only intensify the urge to drink. She could see the way his hands shook even now.

"I didn't think you did," he replied. "But it's a yes to that as well. Sex might be off the table, but I'm willing to take a few other memories."

Natasha stared at him and his stiff posture, taking in the gaunt lines where some sort of illness had worn away at this Tony Stark. What was he playing at? He wouldn't have asked her to stay for himself, not after turning down her offer. He was...

He was telling her not to feel guilty.

Natasha returned to the couch, sitting down a safe distance away. The other Tony didn't wince, but she could tell he wanted to. She could also still feel the sense of longing in those blue eyes, which she had missed her chance to ease. "Thank you," she said quietly, wondering if she could still soothe some of this Tony's pain, or if they were both deluding themselves.

Antonio nodded, looking back at the screen and not at her. How many people abused that kindness? Far too many, she decided, but as long as she was around, she would try her best to put a stop from anyone else hurting him.

* * *

Tony was shaking by the time they got home. He didn't know how Dr. Conner could stay so calm at the service, not when it was for her own daughter.

"Tony," Steve said.

Tony jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Steve and the others all looked haggard and worried, and he saw Steve's frown when he shrugged off the hand. "I'm fine," Tony said. "I have some things to do though, so I'll-"

" _Tony_."

"I can't," Tony said desperately. "Please, just... Not right now. I need..." Tony closed his eyes, trying to block everything out. "I have to go," he said, pivoting away as he went back to the elevator. 

"Wait!"

"Let him go, Steve," Tony heard Bruce say just before the elevator closed around him. Tony tried to breathe as it went down. To blank his mind, until he couldn't see Jasmine's hand or the accusing faces as he stood behind Dr. Conner, until he couldn't hear the battle or the jeers of the crowd. Until he could no longer feel the heat of the explosions or the wind of the cemetery.

He stumbled into his workshop, barely registering that the lights were already on. "Easy," he heard someone - heard _himself_ \- say as arms wrapped around him. "I've got you, old boy."

"I'm _fine_ ," Tony grit out, trying to push his other self away. He'd come down here to not see anyone. His private sanctuary was violated.

"No, you're not," his doppelganger said cheerfully, pinning his arms. Then, as if reading Tony's mind, "And there's nobody here but us Tonys."

"Chickens," Tony corrected absently as he stopped fighting.

"Don't sell us short. We're devilishly handsome cocks, if I do say so myself," Antonio said, and Tony could hear the smirk in his own tone.

"Go away." The last thing he wanted right now was to deal with himself.

"Sorry, but not this time," Antonio said. "I do, however, come bearing gifts. I have your finest vodka and vermouth ready to be made into martinis, along with a half-full bottle of olives."

"It was full the other day," Tony said weakly. He couldn't quite manage a glare.

"The lovely Ms. Potts is far from the only one who likes their martinis dirty," Antonio replied.

Tony was decidedly _not_ thinking about if the other him meant his own Pepper or if he'd been talking with this world's Pepper behind his back. Besides, the vodka looked incredibly appealing.

"I also have cupcakes," Antonio said, guiding him further into the workshop. "Chocolate ones, with frosting and sprinkles. Not baked myself, obviously, but homemade. I know how we like to comfort eat."

"Why couldn't I save her?" he heard his voice say. At first, he assumed it was the other him, but that couldn't be right. Antonio hadn't been the one to fail. So that left...

He felt himself being drawn into a proper hug, and Tony felt like he was shaking apart. Arms tightened around him as he trembled. "We always screw up somehow," Antonio said. "We can't save them from ourselves, no matter how hard we try. I know. Shh."

Tony could think of a few ways to save the world from Tony Stark, but that wouldn't stop people from abusing his tech after he was gone. He wanted... He hated this.

"Come on," his doppelganger said. "I think we both need a drink."

* * *

Steve rubbed his eyes wearily, glancing through the information on the screen of his tablet. The program Tony and Bruce created to find the Tesseract, now re-calibrated to find the alternate Tony's missing tech, had once been just a bunch of mysterious numbers and baffling calculations to him, but by now he was pretty familiar with it. Mostly due to the fact that he hadn't slept at all last night, but Steve was not thinking about that as he sipped his coffee that did nothing to perk him up, thanks to the serum.

Still, while he wasn't as brilliant as Tony was, to take a whole new area of scientific knowledge in one night and become an expert, Steve was pretty pleased with himself. As pleased as he could be while trying not to think about the man in the workshop downstairs. The program itself was pretty complex, so it'd taken him all night to get the basics of it down, but now he could flip through it and understand the data just as well as Bruce or the Tonys could, and he considered that an accomplishment.

"Wow, you look like you've had a rough night," a voice said, pulling Steve's attention away from the never ending stream of data.

"Colonel Rhodes," Steve said looking up. He started to stand for a proper salute, but the Colonel waved him off.

"I've told you, Jim or Rhodey works fine," Col... Rhodey said with a grin that looked as exhausted as Steve felt. "Cause if you don't, _I_ have to be polite, and I can't have a fanboy moment of calling you Steve."

Steve returned a shy smile. He hadn't spent all that much time with Tony's best friend, but he liked what he saw of the man, even if 'fanboying' over Captain America was still a foreign concept to him. "I thought you were supposed to be in the Middle East, Rhodey."

"According to the official report, I _am_ in the Middle East. I'm a figment of your imagination who is not here taking leave despite his superiors being pissed about it. If anyone asks, that's what you tell them, since they wouldn't want the terrorists trying something because they think I'm not around," Rhodey said, grin changing into something warmer when Steve used his nick name. He quickly sobered, however. "I came as soon as I could. How is he?"

Steve closed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair for what must have been the umpteenth time that morning. His hair was probably more of a mess than Tony's. "He was shaking when we got back last night. Bruce said to let him go, but..."

Rhodey sighed. "I'd trust Bruce on this, despite my gut screaming to break down the damned workshop wall. That man can read Tony better than psychics can read tea leaves. I'm a little jealous of that ability, to be honest." His eyes fell on Steve with a contemplative gaze. Steve felt his cheeks heating up as he guessed at what the Air Force officer was thinking.

"And you've been up all night worrying about him, haven't you?" Rhodey asked, confirming Steve's suspicions.

"I was learning how to read the data on the program Tony and Bruce set up," Steve said stubbornly, ignoring the blush.

"Uh-huh," Rhodey said, not looking convinced. In fact, he looked smug. "I approve of the worrying, by the way. So when are you going to make an honest man out of him?"

The bastard waited until Steve took a drink from his coffee, which Steve nearly choked on. "It's legal in New York now, ya know," Rhodey added helpfully.

"I'm aware," Steve said hoarsely as he finished coughing up the coffee that had wound up in his wind pipe. Rhodey laughed as Steve kept his cursing mental. "Rhodey" or not, cursing in front of a higher ranking officer was bad form.

When Rhodey finally stopped laughing, he stood up with a rueful smile. "It's probably been enough time to let Tony process by himself. Want to come check on him with me?"

Revenge, Steve decided, was indeed sweet. "There's something you should know before going down there," Steve said.

Rhodey went from good-natured teasing to worrying in a second flat. "Did something happen that wasn't in the news?"

It was a pity Rhodey didn't have a drink as well. "We didn't want it to get out," Steve confirmed, intentionally biting his lip.

"What happened?" Rhodey demanded, only just stopping from pushing into Steve's personal space intimidatingly.

"There's two Tonys right now," Steve replied.

Rhodey choked on air. Steve felt vindicated. "What the... You're shitting me. What is it, some kind of clone?" Rhodey asked in disbelief.

"Alternative universe," Steve said seriously, with a hint of an innocent smile that Rhodey wasn't buying. "He has blue eyes. And no, I'm not shitting you. There's really two of them."

"The universe does not need two Anthony Starks," Rhodey said solemnly. "And I say this as his best friend. There should only ever be one of him."

"The other one is named Antonio," Steve said helpfully.

"I don't want to know," Rhodey groaned. "Come on. If there's two of them, then there's double the trouble."

Steve very politely withheld the laughter as he followed Rhodey down to the lab. That didn't stop the smug grin at the good-natured glares Rhodey sent his way, but Steve was the model of restraint in his victory.

His victory turned to fear when the elevator doors opened and the sight of empty bottles greeted him. "JARVIS, where-"

"Keep your voice down," Tony hissed. Not Tony. Antonio, who had an arm wrapped around Tony. "Not that we don't sleep like the dead after drinking anyway, but I'm not chancing it after all the trouble it took to get him there."

Tony was sleeping soundly against the Antonio's shoulder, snoring softly. Steve melted a little at the sight, letting the scene calm the spike of adrenaline as Antonio kept speaking. "It's not as bad as it looks. Dummy poured out some of them in the sink when he wasn't looking," Antonio explained, a fond look on his face.

"Holy shit. There really are two of them," Rhodey said, freezing behind Steve.

The effect on the other Tony was immediate. He tensed, narrowing his eyes at Rhodey. "Rhodes, what a pleasant surprise," he said in a voice that implied it was anything but.

Rhodey looked taken aback by the response. Steve himself was surprised. Even _Rhodey_ was bad in that world?

"Let me guess," Antonio said dryly after a moment of silence. "You and him are still friends in this universe?"

It was there for just a brief second, but Steve saw the look of pure longing in the other Tony's eyes. By the way Rhodey's hands curled into fists, he hadn't missed it either. "What happened in your world?" Rhodey asked quietly.

"The usual," Antonio said with a shrug. "I gave him War Machine and was an ass, he took off to play with Fury's little band and get upgrades from my brother."

Antonio shifted their version of the genius gently, keen blue eyes measuring up Rhodey. "Interesting," he said. "You've done the same, or something similar, if I'm reading you right. Yet you still seem to be friends."

"He didn't leave me much choice," Rhodey said, his voice filling with guilt. "The government ordered me to take it to Hammer."

"I'm almost glad my Rhodey took his suit to Greg," Antonio muttered. "At least Gregory had _quality_."

Rhodey winced. "Yeah, Tony's never let me live that one down either."

"What changed your mind here?" Antonio asked.

"I found out he was pushing everyone away because he was dying," Rhodey said simply. Steve had read the file on Tony's palladium poisoning, but hearing Rhodey talk about it was still a shock. Steve swallowed, reminding himself firmly that Tony wasn't dying any more.

Then Antonio started laughing softly, catching them both off guard. There was a slightly hysterical note to it that worried Steve. "Is that all it took?" the other Tony asked incredulously. "If I told him that now, do you think he would come back?"

Steve felt like the air had been punched out of him. Antonio was obviously sick - all of them had noticed that, and Bruce kept trying to lure him down to the lab for a quick check over. He was too pale, too gaunt, more than just what alcohol abuse would do to him. But _dying_? Antonio hadn't had the arc reactor, so what else could it be? "You're dying?" Steve asked, not wanting to believe it despite the signs of sickness.

"Ah, I see he didn't tell you that part," Antonio said, looking down at his alternative self. "Cancer," he said simply. "Though it may be in remission after... after the last tumor was taken out. Haven't had time to check."

There was something oddly choked and stilted about Antonio's words that Steve didn't understand. It made him ache a little, and wish that his Tony was awake to tug him into a hug and protect him, no matter how much his Tony would hate that. He couldn't stand to lose Tony to a disease like that, no matter how irrational it made his thoughts.

Rhodey was apparently thinking along the same lines, but had more compunction to follow through. He quickly walked over and dropped down on the cot, surprising Steve by pulling Antonio into a tight hug.

Antonio stiffened for a moment before giving a shuddery breath. "In every universe, you give the best hugs," he said, so softly that even with the serum enhancing his hearing, Steve almost missed it. "You said I always go at things alone, and that one day that would get both of us killed."

"Yeah, both you and my Tony are asses like that," Rhodey said, tightening his grip. "But any version of me that doesn't come back for you anyway isn't exactly a catch either."

Steve was feeling very much like a third (fourth? Did his Tony conked out on Antonio's shoulder count?) wheel, and he shifted nervously. He didn't want to leave without a sitrep. Well, he didn't want to leave at all, but he knew enough about Rhodey and Tony that feeling jealous would be ridiculous and alienate him from one of his best resources on how to deal with Tony when things got rough. So yes, he may have wanted to be the one holding his Tony, but he knew enough to know that apparently both Tonys needed their Rhodey time uninterrupted.

The sitrep did give him an excuse though, and he was willing to grab on to that and use it. "How is he?" he asked quietly.

"Like I said, not as bad as it looks. I made sure of that," Antonio said, snuggling against Rhodey as if he were determined to make the best of it. "And you can ask JARVIS. I didn't break the limit you both set, even though he did. I was the model of restraint."

Steve didn't ask JARVIS, because Antonio certainly didn't seem drunk. Well, no more than usual at any rate, because Steve wasn't entirely sure he'd ever seen Antonio completely sober.

"He'll be okay," Antonio continued, sighing as Rhodey ran a hand through his hair. "You might as well come over for a cuddle too. I know you want to, Captain."

"That's okay," Steve said with a wistful smile. "He's in good hands. And I should get back to the paperwork Fury wanted done. Look after him for me."

Rhodey nodded, a pleased smile on his face letting Steve know he'd said the right thing. Antonio just looked baffled at being included in Steve's command. "Yes, Sir," Antonio said finally, injecting an air of flippancy in the words.

Steve was just about to leave when his tablet started to beep wildly. He immediately reached to silence it, eyes widening over the data.

"What is it?" Rhodey asked tensely.

"Wake Tony up," Steve said, catching Antonio's eyes. "We have a hit."

* * *

Unfortunately, the stolen tech was _very_ well guarded. In the very least it meant this wasn't another false alarm, but Tony could have done with a false alarm right now. His head was pounding. He fired another shot at one of the crazies who called themselves the Serpent Society. They looked the part, if Tony's hungover brain was to be believed, scales and all. "They from your world?" Tony asked, dodging a tail that threatened to knock him out of the sky.

Antonio avoided being clawed by flying out of range. "We weren't aware so many people had gone through the portal," he said as he fired a repulsor blast at the head of a snake person with flaps like a cobra on its sides. He missed.

"So it's a toss up?" Clint said incredulously. "No, sorry. I don't believe in snake people. They're your brand of crazy, Alternate Tony."

Tony heard Rhodey snort. "I wasn't aware one of Earth's mightiest heroes was afraid of snakes."

"I'm not scared," Clint said rather unconvincingly as he stayed well back from the fight on his perch. "Natasha has a thing against snakes."

"Snakes," she said dryly. "Why'd it have to be snakes."

"Chatter, fellas," Cap said, but with the sort of delight that entered his voice when he recognized a quote. Tony would have felt his insides melting a bit with fondness, but his head was pounding too much.

Instead, he rolled his eyes even if no one could see it, flying over Thor who was on the ground swinging Mjölnir around. He ignored the feed of the media going crazy over three Iron Man suits, figuring he'd come up with an excuse later. Either that, or he could just leave things to Fury. Pepper would kill him when it eventually came back to her, but it might be worth it.

He downed another snake person, flying low to avoid detection. He landed on the perimeter of the building, seeing a door with an electronic lock. He smirked as he took out the two guards and got the lock undone in under a minute. "Heading in," he said over the com. "JARVIS has the passcode. He'll let you in when you get close."

"Iron Man, wait for back up!" he heard Steve say. Which he ignored, stepping through the now open door into a well lit corridor. He was hungover, not helpless.

"He has back up," he heard his own voice say. He bet the others were having a blast trying to tell them apart.

The sound of repulsors powering down and the clank of the armor let Tony know his alternate self was right behind him. He raised an eyebrow that Antonio wouldn't be able to see. Judging by the thumbs up he was given, his doppelganger knew anyway. "Going in," he repeated, knowing Antonio was smirking.

Unfortunately, the guards on the inside were very human. Very human, and in very, very familiar uniforms. Antonio stiffened in the armor, so he hadn't been the only one to recognize it.

Was he that expressive in the armor? Tony wondered idly as he shot the man with a repulsor, not holding back on the power level.

"Well," his doppelganger said after a moment. "They're actually human in this dimension. I don't know if that makes it better or worse."

Tony did _not_ want to know. "Cap, the Serpent Society have found buyers, and they're old friends of yours."

Steve didn't answer. It was Natasha who cursed, then asked sharply, "Hydra?"

"Yeah," Tony replied, moving down the corridor further into the building. "Cap, talk to me. How're you holding up?"

"I've been better," Steve said, his voice shaking a little. Tony could hear the familiar clash of metal that had the unique timbre of vibranium, so Steve was still in the fight. He didn't sound particularly well though.

Tony switched over to a private channel with Thor. "Thor-"

"Aye, my friend. Both Hawkeye and myself have eyes on our Captain," Thor said, anticipating his request. "We will keep watch over him."

"Thanks." He still itched to keep an eye on Steve himself, but he could trust Thor and Clint to keep Steve safe. One of the benefits to working on a team, that.

"This way," Antonio said as more Hydra soldiers started to swarm them.

It took longer than Tony would have liked to get to the central computer banks, but the Hydra soldiers took their motto so goddamn seriously. Honestly, two more taking the place of the fallen one was pretty stupid when faced with two Iron Men, but they kept coming. After a few misshots where they went after the same person, however, he worked surprisingly well together with his other self. It was exhilarating and more than a little exciting in ways Tony tried not to think about. Steve wasn't the only one with fantasies of the two of them together.

When they made it finally, Antonio's face plate came up as he walked over to the computer and started hacking the systems.

Tony watched the doors, repulsors hot as he waited for more Hydra idiots to press their luck. Antonio would have better luck with the hacking anyway, considering his hangover was no where near as bad as Tony's. "Any trouble getting in?" he asked.

"Merely an annoyance," Antonio replied, his fingers flying over the keys. He must have taken the gauntlets off as well for that speed. "Especially with the help of JARVIS. But I'm in. Let's see what... _Christ_."

Tony snapped around, ignoring the threat of potential incoming guards and the pain in his head at the motion. "What's wrong?"

"They didn't only get Greg's tech," Antonio said, the blood gone from his face. "They have Reed Richards's notes on The City and have started playing with his genetic enhancements."

The name Richards sounded familiar, but not in terms of genetics. The Richards he remembered from the academic papers were all about exploration and space travel. "And this makes things worse?"

"His experiment 'Death' leveled Washington DC in a matter of seconds with a single thought, obliterating everything within a ten mile radius," Antonio replied. "And they're in the final stage of recreating him a few levels down from here."

It was Tony's turn to swear. Recreating _him_. A human weapon. "Has anyone ever told you how fucked up your world is?" he asked before switching over to the general com. "Hear that? Anyone close?"

"There's too many of them," Steve replied. "Hydra has been gathering here for a while, not just a week or two. We're in the building now, but we're not getting very far. ETA?"

"Fifteen minutes to completion," Antonio said. Tony pulled off his own gauntlets after pushing a chair against the door, joining the other him at the computers. It was a sturdy metal door and locked. It should hold for a few minutes. "And I can't get in for a remote shut down."

Tony tried a few tricks of his own, going straight for the power source of the building as JARVIS confirmed his doppelganger's assessment. He scanned the data from the project as he did. If they could cut the power, they had a chance. The experiment was a delicate one, and at this stage Hydra couldn't stop without killing the subject. A few minutes off life support, and the weapon - he couldn't bring himself to think of it as a person, not right now - would die. Hydra would be right back at square one with months worth of... "This isn't the first time your tech thieves have gotten though," Tony said.

Antonio's mouth was set in a grim line. "So you noticed that too? Monica and I are going to have a nice long chat when I get back. It would appear SHIELD has a mole."

Tony resisted the urge to pound at the keys in frustration. "No good. Even if we cut the power, the back up generators would require a manual override. Also no where near our current position."

"It's a good thing I'm rather handy with EMPs then," Antonio said.

"You've got one strong enough?" Even he couldn't make an EMP _that_ strong. He cut their conversation off from the rest of the Avengers.

"I had some help from another version of us," Antonio admitted. "His armor was like nothing I've ever seen, and it shut down any tech that was near it. Nearly killed me when the nanites shut down. Took me a while to shield against it."

"You never said that you've worked with another us before," Tony said, feeling like that was something that should have been mentioned. And no, he wasn't jealous.

"Because I didn't work with him," Antonio said darkly. "He was dead when Reed and I found him, and his world was on fire. I had to reverse engineer-"

Antonio turned around to face Tony, cutting himself short. His blue eyes were locked onto Tony's chest. At the reactor. Tony had been hoping his other self would forget about that.

"We'll find another way," Antonio said, turning back to the computer.

"We've got eleven minutes left," Tony said calmly. "There's no time for another way." He cut the external speakers of his suit, making sure only JARVIS could hear him. "JARVIS, jam any transmissions from Antonio's armor. Do not resume until you come back online. And I need you to warn any near by hospitals and police stations of what we're about to do."

"Sir, I recommend against-"

"Do it, JARVIS," he said, cutting the com off and going back to the external speakers.

Antonio was staring at him with an odd look, but he couldn't have figured it out yet. He'd been studying his other self's suit since he got here, and this version of him was used to having a whole team of people monitoring him, not JARVIS. A team that was currently in another dimension. "I'm not using an EMP-" Antonio started.

Shots were being fired at the door, and Tony's little chair wasn't going to last them long once they got through the metal doors. "The arc reactor is shielded," he said tersely.

"Not shielded against this!" Antonio shouted.

"We have to chance it," Tony said, already knowing the chances were bad. "You know what the cost of life could be if Hydra gets it to work. I'll be fine."

He kept his face plate down, knowing he could get away with a lie easier like this. Still it was a risk, and Antonio's face was a look of pure anguish. "I can't..."

"I've called the others," Tony said. "If things do go wrong, they can get me out of here. I've got replacements for the reactor back at the Tower. It's a simple switch. I can last that long."

At this, Antonio appeared to consider. "Thor can teleport you back? And you aren't lying about the other reactors?"

"Like I said, it's a simple switch. Pepper made me have a few extras on hand," Tony said, filing away the knowledge that the other Thor could teleport for a time he could give a fuck. Which might be never, if he were honest about his chances of surviving this. "This isn't the first time the reactor's gone out," Tony continued. "The others will know what to do."

The banging on the door stopped, replaced by a low hiss of melting metal. "Do it now!" Tony said, cutting the base's power with a few stokes. "JARVIS," he said on a private channel as the room went dark. "Give the others a heads up about the plan."

"I can't..." Antonio repeated.

"Tony!" Cap yelled over the com, despite Tony remembering to tell JARVIS to block the other transmissions. "What's going on? Why is JARVIS saying-"

"I promise, it will work," Tony said, both for Cap and his other self as the generators switched on, bringing on the emergency lights. "Do it now!"

Antonio's breath hitched, then he closed his eyes.

Tony didn't know if he was expecting a flash of light or anything, but suddenly Steve's voice in his ear cut off as the HUD died and the emergency lights faded as well. He gasped as the pain in his chest started, feeling his heart in his ears as it worked over time, eventually forced to slow. He fell to his knees, then back, wishing he'd thought to lie down before the pulse hit. Not that it would matter soon anyway.

At least he'd gotten to hear Steve's voice again before he died.

He heard yelling as something pulled at the hidden catches of his face plate. Then he was staring up at his own face with angry blue eyes. "You promised, damn you. You said-"

"Better this way," Tony said, feeling short of breath. "Not your fault." And it was better this way. The others would be better off without him and his bad press. The public would be happy - they'd have a heroic death to play up _and_ Tony would be off the team. Best of both worlds. The Avengers would be sad, of course. Pepper would probably cry, and Rhodey and Happy would mourn, but they were all strong. They'd get over him eventually. It might take them a little while, but they would. And they'd be so much better off.

This wouldn't make up for Jasmine's death, or Yinsens's, or anyone else's, but it was worth it, right? He'd tried not to waste his life any more. This was a good death.

The calm didn't last as the pain got worse and his vision funneled to a greyish-brown. He panicked then, thinking of the portal and the endless stars. There was a voice screaming at him to stay, but it was fading, leaving him alone in the grey void. He was alone again. He was terrified of being alone for this. _No. Please. **Don't leave**._

Tony didn't want to die alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memory: Well, I never said it was a _slash_ almost sex scene, did I? XD I'd say sorry for the disappointment if there was any, but I'm really not. You should be glad you got that much of a sex scene, since I loathe writing them in general. 
> 
> I should give you a fair warning... be prepared for angst in the next chapter. Lots of angst. Lots and lots of angst. It happens occasionally. But again, you'll see it on Thursday, not Monday. If you are worried, check the tags. The tags (and what's not in them) should lead you true.
> 
> And now, the quote of the chapter: (Seriously, considering all the Galen and Tony combined feels I've been getting lately, I think I just need Technomage Tony. We all know this would be awesome)
> 
> "Perhaps then we can both forgive ourselves our common crime."   
> "What crime?"   
> "Being alive."   
> -Galen and Gideon, _Crusade_


	5. Now we stand vigil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Thanks:** Many thanks to narwhale_callin and Salmastryon for the betaing and tips. Also thanks to AnonEhouse, kerravon, hogwartshoney, iloome, nightwalker, ladedanixie, Tonystarktastic, kuhekabir, and krusca for leaving comments!  
>  **Notes:** Okay, so there's more suicide idealization and talk of the effects of alcohol in this chapter, so be prepared for that. Also, there's a lot of hand-wavy medical science and talk of nanites. Which, I'm pretty sure the comic book writers don't know what the nanites do, so I'm just taking that as my leave to make stuff up as I go along. Finally, there is angst in the chapter. Lots of angst. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Steve wanted to be out running. He wanted to destroy the punching bags back at the Tower until his hands bled. He wanted to go out, walk into the middle of a fight and mouth off at assholes who he knew would take a swing at him. He wanted to burn the energy he didn't have but couldn't avoid the ghostly tendrils of.

He didn't do any of that. He sat in the cold, plastic chair of the hospital, hunched over with his head in his hands.

It was Natasha who prowled the room restlessly, looking like she was five seconds from biting the head off the next junior agent who walked by with no news. Thor sat across from Steve, his posture screaming anguish as he kept watch over the far door. Rhodey stood, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest defensively. He looked like he could have fallen asleep standing with his eyes closed like that, if not for the tension in his shoulders. Bruce was making tea again, his hands shaking as he poured the water. He'd move on to coffee soon, making rounds to all of them. They'd all had at least three or four cups by now, but no one had the heart to tell Bruce to stop. Clint was on the roof, needing to be some place high where he could watch for intruders that wouldn't come, but Steve knew he had his ear piece in and was listening to every breath they took down here in hopes of news.

Steve wanted to close his eyes, but if he did, he wouldn't stop _seeing_.

_"Anthony. Anthony, answer me. Wake up. You can't leave me too," the doppelganger said, his eyes wide as he shook the armored body on the floor. It was obvious he was in shock. Steve himself was frozen in the doorway at the sight of his Tony's face tight with pain despite being unconscious, his armor dark, lacking the blue light of the arc reactor. Antonio's blue eyes were a sharp contrast to what his Tony didn't have._

_Natasha pushed past him, shoving the unresisting Antonio against the wall, accusations and threats that Steve could only half-follow falling from her lips. Antonio kept pleading softly, so obviously unaware of the danger as Thor and Clint had to pry her off him. Hulk roared in the background as Rhodey flew in, pulling Tony into a bridal carry, armor and all, and taking off just as swiftly as he shouted over the comms to JARVIS._

_But Steve could still see Tony lying there on the ground, broken and unmoving, his chest dark and still as the others-_

"Potts on the approach. East entrance," Clint called softly in Steve's ear. Steve opened his eyes, seeing that everyone else had heard as well.

Sure enough, five minutes later a furious click of heels signaled Pepper Potts's approach, followed by a very subdued-looking Happy Hogan. Her eyes were red and her make up was running, but she had an outward appearance of calm that she held onto with an iron fist. Her eyes swept over the room, taking in all of their faces. "Still nothing?" she asked, her voice only shaking for a second.

"With JARVIS's open feed, you'd probably have known before us," Rhodey said, pushing off the wall to take a seat by Steve. Pepper followed him, leaning against Rhodey's shoulder as he put an arm around her. Steve watched as her eyes started to glisten, but she didn't let the tears fall.

Happy stood off to the side awkwardly, wringing his hands. "Hey, it's the boss we're talking about, right?" Happy said, looking over the Avengers, needing the assurance as desperation clouded the optimism of his words. "He'll pull through. You'll see. He always does."

None of them said anything. The silence in the room dragged on, threatening to smother them all. Happy finally looked away, hiding his own sniffles.

It felt like an eternity, but it had to have only been forty-five minutes going by Steve's internal clock, when they all jumped at Clint's voice in their ear. "Antonio's at the west entrance."

"What is it?" Pepper asked as Natasha stilled, taking up Rhodey's abandoned spot against the wall, packing away any sign that Tony's operation was affecting her. The lack of trust was still strong in her, and Steve couldn't say he blamed her.

"The other Tony is coming back," Rhodey said quietly to Pepper. She'd been informed of the second Tony Stark when he first appeared, but she had been on the west coast and hadn't seen him for herself yet. "Brace yourself. They look pretty similar."

Steve fought down his own anger at the news. Antonio was showing up _now_? He'd disappeared shortly after they all arrived at the hospital, and not even Rhodey had offered to go after him and make sure he wasn't drinking himself to death. While Steve didn't blame Antonio for what happened, he did resent the alternate version of the genius for leaving them with a short wave and a brittle smile.

When Antonio appeared, he burst into the room, all manic energy and a wild, fevered look in his eyes. He hadn't slept, or even been drinking that much, if the shaking of his hands gripping a small black box was anything to go by. There were bruises around his neck that Natasha's eyes traced before she looked down, and Steve worried for a moment if she was debating trying again or if she was feeling guilty.

"Bruce!" he shouted, not even glancing at any of the others as he made a beeline to Bruce. "Bruce, I've done it. JARVIS approved of the code, and he made sure I didn't leave any back doors. This will work. They're better than I could have made them by myself, and-"

"What are you talking about?" Bruce growled, a hint of green in his eyes. Antonio took a step back, with look of hurt and fear that must have come from the other world's Bruce Banner if what Steve had heard about him was true. Bruce backed down immediately with an apologetic air, but Antonio rambled on.

"The nanites, old boy," he said, rapidly regaining his mania. "For me. Well, the other me. We've managed to give them a slight healing factor that should help repair the damage to his heart, among other things. JARVIS and I specifically tailored them to help keep his heart beating for at least two hours if the arc reactor goes out again, and Anthony can probably lengthen that when he's up and about, though it's not a full cure. Like an alternative battery source, though they'd be working in a completely different way from the reactor, so not really a battery. And they're already shielded against every EMP I know of, so-"

"Peace, Antonio," Thor said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "You say you have a way to help our Tony?"

"That's what I'm trying to explain!" Antonio snapped. He deflated a little at Thor's stern look, shoving a data pad at Bruce. "It's all in there. JARVIS put it together, so if you don't trust me, you can ask him. Not that I'd blame you for-"

"You..." Pepper interrupted, her hands covering her mouth. "Oh, my god."

Antonio turned to look at her and Happy, a genuine smile on his face. "Ms. Potts. Happy. Always good to see familiar faces."

Steve was a little relieved. At least Antonio had some good people in the other universe.

"You said you made something that might help the boss?" Happy asked, clearly throwing his trust behind Antonio if it meant renewed hope.

Steve looked at Antonio again. There were dark lines under his eyes, and his hands never quite stopped shaking. He looked haggard and exhausted to the point where Steve didn't know how he was staying on his feet. There was nothing but steel in his eyes, no spark that made him Tony Stark. It was almost as if he hadn't woken up from the shock yet, or was so far in denial in his mind when his body acknowledged the truth of his exhaustion and grief, and that settled a cold fear in Steve's stomach.

Pepper saw whatever was wrong too, if the blood draining from her face was any indication. "Tony."

"No time to talk, Ms. Potts. We need to start preparing for-"

"Tony, we can't," Bruce said quietly, looking up from the tablet.

Antonio spun around, anger and desperation in his voice. "Why not? I've checked five times. JARVIS has checked five times. I haven't hacked him either. You can see the data for yourself!"

"Tony, these nanites are amazing," Bruce said, his gentle voice cutting through Antonio's frenzy. "They really are. I can't even guess how you..." He shook his head, continuing on. "But it's not that we don't trust you. At this point, the transfusion needed might just as well kill him. The nanites would put too much strain on his system trying to fix him."

Antonio took the words like a full body blow. "Not fast enough. Never smart enough," Steve heard him mutter in a low voice that only the serum allowed him to hear. His eyes went a little blanker as he spoke louder this time. "I'll figure something else out then. I'll-I'll find something to-"

He jumped at Pepper's hand on his shoulder, turning to look at her with wide eyes. "You can't fix everything," she said softly as if this were an argument she had with their Tony frequently.

"Why not?" he snapped, gesturing wildly with his hands. "I did this, so why can't I fix it?!"

"Oh, Tony," she said. Antonio looked down, closing his eyes. For a moment, it was almost easy to forget the gaunt lines and see their Tony standing there, the likeness of their guilt was that strong. "Come and sit down," she said, guiding him to the chairs and pushing him down between her and Rhodey.

Steve had never seen Tony so broken. Their Tony, he packed things away until they burst, but this Tony was all feelings hidden behind years of alcohol abuse and a charming smile. Now that they had stripped the alcohol away, all that was left was laid out and broken. "Bruce," Steve said, looking on helplessly. "Could we at least check with one of the doctors about the nanites? It might not be too late."

Bruce nodded, looking over the tablet again. "I'll see what they say, but don't get your hopes up. By this time-"

"By this time, we're losing him anyway," a new voice said. They all looked up to see a woman with short black hair in a doctor's lab coat. She held a clip board at her side.

Pepper made a short, choked noise as Rhodey stood up, his hands in fists. "What do you mean, Dr. Anderson?" he demanded.

The woman looked them all over, pausing on the second Tony Stark. Rhodey nodded, motioning for her to continue. "He's with the team. He's got clearance to know."

"Mr. Stark's heart is too damaged this time," the doctor said. "Even with the new arc reactor, the shrapnel has moved around too much. There's no current donors that could match Mr. Stark available either, and that would have the same problem with straining his body."

"He wouldn't want to be bumped up the list if someone else needed a transplant too," Pepper said tearfully. "Oh, God. _Tony_..."

Bruce immediately handed over the data on the nanites, his mouth set in a firm line. "These should be able to repair his heart, but his body accepting them..."

"It would tax his already strained body," the doctor agreed, glancing through the data. "I would need weeks to even understand all of this, much less verify what it does. Ms. Potts, Colonel Rhodes, the two of you act as Mr. Stark's medical proxy. This could kill him faster."

"But if we do nothing, he dies anyway," Rhodey said, his hands clenching and unclenching in an untraceable rhythm. "Pepper?"

Steve held his breath as they waited on her response. Tony was _dying_ , a fact that still hadn't sunk in yet, and Steve couldn't... Tony would hate the nanites, especially since it was something his other self had done, rather than something he had worked on personally. He was so paranoid that he'd have spent weeks going over the code to make sure there were no back doors, no way to shut him down remotely, or worse, control him. But they should be able to get rid of the nanites if he objected, right? They couldn't pass up this chance, not when it was their only one.

But this wasn't his decision to make. It was Pepper and Rhodey's, and it just about killed Steve that he had no say in this. If he hadn't waited so damn long to dance around the subject of him and Tony, this could have been his right too. Now all he could do was sit anxiously and wait.

Pepper wiped her eyes, looking at Antonio who was still collapsed against his chair. His eyes were closed, his shoulders slouched in defeat and despair. She sat beside him again, carding her hand through his hair. "Is there any way to control Tony through those nanites?" she asked.

"I... I guarded them just like mine. Better. JARVIS looked over it too. It's possible someone could crack it, but I tried-"

She placed a finger over his lips, and he looked up, his eyes as wet as hers. "Then you better start setting things up," she said. "Bruce, if you could go over the data and the procedure? I know you're not a medical doctor, but you know as much about the reactor as Tony does at this point. And if there's anything that could raise his chances..."

"You don't even have to ask," Bruce promised.

Pepper dragged Antonio to his feet, staring at him with a stern gaze. "We're trusting you."

"I..." Antonio said, fear and panic crossing his face. "If it doesn't work, I can't..."

"It's not your fault," she said, pulling him into a tight hug. "And you're going to help me yell at the idiot when he finally wakes up, understand? Just do what you can for him."

Antonio nodded, setting his shoulders with one last deep breath. "It's a pity my world's you never let me sleep with her," he said, some semblance of his old self returning.

A familiar look of exasperation crossed Pepper's face. "She knows better than me."

"Ouch, man. He walked into that one," Clint said over the com, startling a soft laugh out of Natasha. She waved off the questioning glances from those who weren't connected.

"I probably deserved that," Antonio said with a wince.

But he hesitated going after Bruce. Pepper smiled reassuringly, though it was a fragile little thing. "Happy, make sure Mr. Stark has everything he needs."

"Yes, Ma'am," Happy said, standing straighter when his name was called.

"Will that be all, Mr. Stark?" she asked.

"That will be all, Ms. Potts," he said, falling into the role easily. Steve realized with a start that that had been the point, to give Antonio comfort in something familiar.

"Some things never change," Rhodey muttered beside him, echoing Steve's thoughts.

Antonio strode out with renewed purpose, following after Bruce and the doctor, talking a mile a minute at Happy detailing the things he'd need. Pepper collapsed back down in the seat next to Steve this time, closing her eyes in exhaustion.

"I'll come down and keep watch over him," Clint said over the com. "Just to make sure about... Well, you know."

"I'll meet you there," Natasha replied, tapping on her tablet with a soft frown on her face, but she seemed much more relaxed than earlier. "I've got an untampered version of JARVIS checking the data. We'll make sure he's done what he says he has."

"Thank you," Pepper said. "Though I meant it when I said I trusted him."

Steve nodded his permission to Natasha as she walked off. Not that she needed it, but she allowed him final say in a lot of things, particularly if she thought he might need her elsewhere. He was tempted to call her back, but he trusted her not to lose her temper like she did at the Hydra base.

"Doesn't hurt to check," Clint muttered over the com, despite the fact Pepper wouldn't hear him.

Thor frowned. "They will not find anything amiss. Antonio's heart is sometimes misguided, but he is as true as our Tony."

"It'll make them feel like they're doing something," Rhodey said with a sigh as he waved Thor's concerned gaze off. "They know it too, I think. Just let them have the illusion of doing something helpful. I wish I could do the same."

"Ah, that is wise indeed," Thor said with a nod. "I'll admit I envy them that as well. I fear I can neither help with human medicine nor with the kind of technology our Tony creates."

"Waiting sucks," Rhodey translated eloquently.

Steve felt a small hand on his shoulder, and he looked over to see Pepper's worried eyes. "You're awfully quiet, Steve," she said.

"There hasn't been much to say."

"How are you holding up?"

"I feel like I should be asking you that, not the other way around," Steve said, not answering her question. Pepper's responding eyebrow was not impressed. He should have known better than to try deflecting to someone who regularly put up with Tony.

He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "Don't think it's really sunk in yet," he said. "I don't..." He took a deep breath, pushing back the fear that was  
threatening to overrun his walls. "I feel just as useless as Thor. We've caught the Hydra cell, have the Serpent Society in holding to be sent back to the other world, and Thor and I took the stolen tech and data back to the Tower personally so that SHIELD won't get it. Natasha destroyed what was left of..."

Steve paused, this time forcing down bile at the thought of making a person with the sole purpose to slaughter. That's what the serum could have been, if they'd gotten it to work. Instead of the atom bomb, a human weapon. It made him sick just thinking about it. "But now..." he continued with a shuddery breath. "Now I don't know. And Tony's still..."

Pepper slipped her hand into his, squeezing gently. "Now we stand vigil," she said. "Tony's not religious, and neither am I really, but I don't think he'd mind if you wanted to pray."

Rhodey snorted. "He does mind," he said, earning him a small glare from Pepper. "But what he doesn't know won't kill him. I just don't tell him anymore."

Praying sounded good right now.

"I would like to stand vigil too, if I may," Thor said. "I do not know much of Midgardian religions, as Jane is also an atheist like Tony, but I know of some charms my mother taught me as a child. I am not well versed enough in magic for them to have power, but..."

"Another thing Tony hates. Magic," Rhodey said with a weak grin. "Man, you've _got_ to join us now. It'll be our revenge for him making us worry."

Steve's breath hitched painfully in a way it hadn't since before the serum as Thor chuckled softly. "Aye," Thor said. "It seems like a fitting revenge."

Steve looked over at Pepper, who was once again fighting back tears of her own. He squeezed her hand in return, and she wrapped her arm around his, leaning against his shoulder.

He wanted... He wanted Tony's smile, spreading across his face as Steve entered the room. He wanted brown eyes instead of blue, with a wicked gleam in them as he discussed his prank war with Clint. He wanted to hold Tony in his arms and breathe in the scent of oil and metal. He wanted... He wanted Tony.

Steve bowed his head and moved his lips silently. If prayers were the only thing he could give right now, he would give them.

* * *

Steve woke with a start at the sound of footsteps, shaking Pepper awake with him. He didn't know when he'd fallen asleep. He hadn't even thought he was capable of it, considering the situation, but he must have slipped under at some point.

Clint was standing there awkwardly. "It's done," he said, his voice soft.

"Is he..?" Thor asked tentatively, not moving. Rhodey was sleeping against his shoulder, snoring lightly.

"We don't know yet," Clint said with a shrug. The archer looked exhausted, and Steve could see him eying the stairs and what little comfort the roof might bring him belying his casual tone. "He survived the transfusion because he's a stubborn S.O.B., but we don't know if his body will accept the nanites, or if he'll wake up at all. Dr. Anderson said..." Clint swallowed, looking away. "Well, it might be our last chance to sit with him, if it doesn't work. They're letting a few of us in at a time."

Steve saw more than felt Pepper's nails digging into his arm. He pushed back the burning sensation in his eyes. "You and Rhodey should go in first, with Happy if he's still around," he heard himself tell her distantly.

"Steve, you-"

"I can wait," he said. He couldn't, not really, because he wanted to see Tony more than anything. But he needed some time to compose himself before then, and to mentally prepare for the sight of Tony, not alive and vibrant, but pale and barely breathing. There would be machines and the like - he'd seen some of the modern television shows and had been down in Med Bay enough to know what to expect. Machines that would keep Tony alive, until either he woke up or Pepper and Rhodey decided to...

' _I turned the machines off_ ,' he heard the Antonio say. He wondered how Antonio was fairing. It was better than imagining all too easily how his Tony must look.

Pepper leaned over and kissed his cheek, and Steve knew from her eyes that she heard what he didn't say. She left his side to rouse Rhodey, and Steve felt adrift without anyone to weigh him down.

He ended up being the last to go in.

"He listens to you," Rhodey said as he walked out, frustration in his voice. "I know that look. It's like he's found another way to try to kill himself, and it's scaring me and Bruce. He doesn't have the same connection with the Bruce Banner in his world, and that damned other version of me hurt him too much for him to really listen to me," the colonel continued, his voice growing quieter.

"I'll see what I can do," Steve replied. He didn't know how much he could do, but he could try.

As he braced himself, he felt Rhodey's hand on his shoulder. He felt pathetically grateful for it.

It was too bad Rhodey didn't follow him in, because Steve missed the contact acutely when he saw Tony with all those tubes and machines looming over him. He looked pale, so fragile, lying there like a broken doll. Steve felt his stomach tying in knots, then it dropped out from under him entirely. Tony's eyes were shut, no hint of the brown Steve wanted to see so badly.

"You need rest," he heard Bruce say, drawing Steve's attention away from his Tony to pay attention to the desperation he heard in the words. 

Antonio's blue eyes were open, and seeing them almost felt like a physical slap. "I need to be here if something goes wrong," Antonio said. "The nanites obviously aren't fixing things correctly, so-"

Antonio glanced over to see who had walked in, his eyes immediately turning downcast. "Steve..."

Bruce sighed, looking over at Steve as well. This time he kept the eye contact. It was an odd disconnect, for Tony to avoid meeting Steve's eyes while Bruce sought it. There was silent pleading in his gaze. Steve nodded, sliding down into a chair by Tony's bed as Antonio swiped at his tablet.

"You should get some sleep too," Steve told Bruce. "I slept earlier, so I'll take over the..." The words 'death watch' stuck in his throat. "Night watch," he finished, only choking on the words a little.

Bruce slid his gaze over to their Tony, lying so still on the bed. He hesitantly reached out to touch Tony's forehead, looking more lost and afraid than a man who could change into a green giant should ever be. He glanced over at Antonio, who was still staring at the floor, and the look intensified. "He'll pull through," Bruce said helplessly, raw pain instead of anger in his eyes. "He... he will," he repeated, before fleeing the room, likely to calm the raging green that Steve had seen flashes of as he left. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe the Hulk wanted the chance to sit with Tony too before...

Was it only a few days ago that he'd sat like this beside Tony sleeping? It was so different from that time, when Tony had lightly pressed a finger to his lips. But now it was like his fears from that night were actualized. He was losing his Tony, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep the other one from slipping away either if that happened.

"Always so stoic," Antonio joked with trembling fingers.

"You need sleep," Steve replied, wondering when the last time Antonio had had a drink was. He hated to admit it, but he was almost tempted to offer the man some alcohol if just to put off what he knew was coming. "Have you-"

Antonio pulled out a flask, which oddly enough, calmed Steve's fears. "I'm not that far into withdrawals," Antonio said.

"But you haven't been drinking it, have you?" Steve replied, mentally going over what little he'd heard of withdrawals. The shaking, the anxiety, the lack of sleep, his snappish attitude earlier. Antonio was sweating a little too, even though the room wasn't that warm. With as much alcohol as he drank, these symptoms were likely to only be the start of it. Steve remembered Clint talking about how sometimes it was fatal, and while they were already at the hospital, he couldn't take that chance. Not now. "Why?" he asked, struggling to keep the broken sound out of his voice.

"Because if I start, I won't stop," Antonio admitted. "And if I don't stop, then I can't help if something goes wrong."

"So you're going to try to kill yourself this way?" There was a quiet horror in Steve's words. "Is that your punishment?"

"It would be ironic," Antonio mused, not denying either statement. "The other you and Thor were both convinced I'd die of alcohol poisoning, but instead, it's the withdrawals. And no Anthony to help me through them this time. I've killed both of them, haven't I?"

"Tony-"

"I'm not smart enough," Antonio snapped, growing agitated. "I'm never smart enough, not like everyone thinks. God knows no one is as smart as everyone things I am. I'm always one step behind, or not quick enough. Greg was smarter. If he were here, I-"

"Don't," Steve pleaded. "Not like this. I can't... I can't fail two of you."

Wide eyes looked at him for the first time since he entered the room. "Steve, it's my fault, not yours. It's not-"

"Isn't it?" Steve asked bitterly. "I can't stop either of you from courting death. He _knew_ this would be suicide for him. He knew and he sounded _happy_ about it. And now you want to leave as well? What do I have to do to make you both want to stay? Name it, because I'll do it. Anything, just..."

Steve felt his shoulders rise as his breath hitched painfully. "I need him," he said softly, repeating his words from that night. "And I don't know if I can take losing a second Tony if we lose him. Don't leave me. Please."

He felt a shaking hand touching his cheek, and Steve realized with a start that it was hard for him to see clearly. He blinked, but it was still hard to see. "I-I," Antonio said. "If I start, you'll stop me?"

"Yes," Steve replied without hesitation, rubbing his eyes to clear them. He felt bad, using Tony's innate sacrificial nature as a means to ground the man to the here and now. He couldn't regret the neediness, nor the selfishness that caused it though. Not if it got Antonio to stay. He couldn't have both of them in danger, not at the same time.

"Okay," Antonio said. Steve had to help him unscrew the cap on the flask, and once he could see better, Steve texted Clint to bring in more in the morning. It wasn't long before exhaustion took over Antonio, his head resting against Steve's shoulder as the trembling subsided.

It felt wrong. Antonio was a hair too tall, a shade too thin and gaunt (still dying, with or without the alcohol), and his hair was too long against Steve's neck. He wanted _his_ Tony.

Steve reached out, tentatively taking Tony's hand in his. It was cold - too cold - but still alive in his fingers. "I need you," Steve repeated quietly into the stifling hospital air. He brought Tony's hand up to his lips, pressing a kiss into the smooth back, then into the calluses on Tony's palm and fingers. He didn't let go when he finished, claiming Tony's hand as his, as he should have done ages ago.

He settled in to wait, watching Tony's chest rise and fall, terrified to blink in case he missed the last. Letting the hours pass him by, Steve waited through the night, standing guard over the person he'd failed to protect.

It was close to o-six hundred hours by his internal clock when he felt the hand in his twitch. Steve held his breath, desperately looking for any other sign to prove he hadn't been imagining it. "Tony?" he whispered, feeling Antonio stirring beside him.

Tony's hand moved again, and Steve gave it a gentle squeeze. "Tony," he repeated.

The eyes fluttered open, showing the shade of brown that Steve had longed for so hard that it ached. Tony - _his_ Tony - moaned softly as if in pain, but it was one of the most beautiful sounds Steve had ever heard. It meant he was alive. Against all odds, the lucky bastard survived again.

With his free hand, he ran his fingers through Tony's hair, leaning down to kiss his forehead once Steve reached his cheek. He thought he saw brief recognition in those gloriously brown eyes before they fluttered shut again. "I love you," Steve whispered, not stopped by his own hesitance or Tony's this time. "And don't you dare do this to me again."

"Is he..?" Antonio asked. Steve spared a glance at him to see that the man still looked absolutely wrecked, but at least he didn't look like he was about to shake apart any time soon.

"He woke up," Steve said, never once letting go of Tony's hand. It was short, but if Tony could wake up once, he could do it again.

Antonio was immediately scanning through the data on his tablet, flicking through the information faster than even Steve could follow. Then he looked up, truly meeting Steve's eyes for the first time since the fight. "They worked," he said incredulously. "The nanites. They worked."

"They did," Steve agreed, making sure he wasn't squeezing Tony's hand too hard. "Thank you."

"I didn't..." Antonio started.

"Without you, he wouldn't have stood a chance," Steve said.

"Without me, he wouldn't be in this mess," Antonio snapped.

"You think he wouldn't have found a way to do this to himself regardless?" Steve asked dryly. Antonio looked away again, but Steve couldn't help smiling. "You saved everyone from that weapon _and_ him. Thank you," Steve said again.

Antonio didn't respond, but he leaned back onto Steve's shoulder. As Steve texted the others to let them know, he never once let go of his Tony's hand.

* * *

Tony woke up the first time feeling pain. He didn't believe in heaven or hell, but the pain was enough to throw some doubt into his normally scientifically-based views. Either that, or he was still alive some how, and Tony didn't believe in miracles any more than he believed in the after life. Either way, Tony was done. He wanted science and logic back, and for the damned fire that seared through his veins to stop.

He heard his name a few times, so he tried to open his eyes. He thought he saw Steve, which if he were going to hypothetically allow angels into his world view, Steve could make it up for it. He couldn't think of anyone else he wanted to see in his (still non-existent, damn it) afterlife.

Then he heard a voice, which wasn't British like all the movies suggested. Hell, even Thor and Loki sounded British. If God was going to prove his existence and shatter Tony's world view, the asshole should sound British like in all those old movies. Or in the very least, he should sound like Morgan Freeman. But the voice didn't sound like any of those. It was, however, comforting and warm, and it was the last thing he heard before going under again. Tony wished he could stay awake to ask - beg - to hear it again. But he could only grasp at the words as he was pulled under.

' _I love you._ '

The second time he woke up was much the same, though this time there was lots of talking and a warm pressure on his hand that he tried to squeeze back. He was under again before he could tell if he'd succeeded.

The third time, the fire running through his body was a little more bearable, but still really fucking painful. _Go away_ , he thought, trying to push the fire back. To his great surprise, the fire went away. It was replaced by a painful hammering in his chest that left him gasping for breath.

There was shouting, and sounds that Tony vaguely recognized as part of a hospital (great, so it really was a fucking miracle? Tony was going to find a way to blame it on math or science if it was the last thing he did, because he was science's bitch, thank you very much), and the hand squeezing his felt strong enough to break bones. There was a minute or so of nearly overwhelming pain before the fire came back. Tony was pathetically grateful for the fire in his veins despite its own brand of pain, so long as it soothed his pounding heart.

It wasn't long before, of all things, his brain got a _ping_. How his brain got a ping was a question Tony was going to investigate with a vengeance once he was able to, you know, actually _move_ , but at the moment all Tony could really do was open the message that came with it. He wasn't going to think about how whatever was done to him was startlingly intuitive and user friendly.

The message was simple and in all caps. ' _DO NOT TURN THEM OFF, YOU DUMB FUCK._ '

Tony was mildly offended by that. He'd have been more offended if he hadn't been in pain, which meant there was only so much of his attention he could divide into being offended. Mildly it would have to be.

' _Hurts_ ,' he sent back, not entirely sure how, but willing to go along with it if it meant the pain might stop.

' _The nanites hurt?_ ' came the reply a few moments later, this time in normal punctuation.

 _Nanites_. Einstein bless the laws of physics, now he knew who was to blame for his sudden technopathic abilities. He would decide later if he should hurt his doppelganger for this, or thank him for explaining the miracle as science. The latter did make him feel pathetically better. He decided not to admit that. ' _Yes_ ,' he sent back.

It was a longer wait for a response this time, and Tony felt warm fingers intertwining with his. At least his chest had returned to normal, even if his veins still felt like they were on fire. The hand holding his felt nice too, now that it wasn't crushing him.

Finally, there was another ping. ' _Okay, slight hiccup. Your nanites are more advanced than mine, old boy, and I didn't exactly have time to test how the healing factor would work on a live subject. Bruce, JARVIS, and I are working on a patch now. **Do not turn them off again**._ '

' _Bastard_ ,' he sent back, too tired for anything longer.

He heard two laughs, one a quiet chuckle and the other a more feminine laugh. Pepper, his mind supplied, though it couldn't have been her hand holding his. It was too big.

Tony forced his eyes open to see Pepper and Steve sitting at his bedside. When Steve saw he was looking, he raised Tony's hand to his lips, kissing it lightly. In front of everyone. If it weren't a struggle to keep his eyes open, they would be blown wide. Steve was never that openly affectionate in front of the others. Steve was holding his hand.

Steve just smiled like it was the most natural thing in the world. He had dark circles under his eyes and an air of exhaustion about him, but he sounded happy when he spoke. "Hey, Shellhead," he said, his voice soft. "They're working on a way to stop the pain now, but the doctors are going to put you under again until it's fixed. I'll see you when you wake up, okay?"

He didn't let go of Tony's hand, and he ran his free one through Tony's hair, letting him nuzzle sleepily at Steve's palm. If this was a pain-induced delusion, it was a nice one.

Ping. His other self talked too much. ' _I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I..._ ' Tony was asleep before he could read the rest of the message.

The next time he woke up, Tony admittedly felt a lot better. The message he'd been reading earlier was gone completely, and he could still _feel_ the nanites, which was weird, but he could at least think without pain. That was always a plus.

He opened his eyes cautiously, seeing three things. Rhodey, first off, was sitting off to the side with a big grin. Then there was Steve, still holding his hand. Steve looked the worse for wear, as though the others hadn't managed to bully him home. At least he had changed out of the dirty uniform he'd been in earlier.

Finally, he saw Antonio, slumped over the bed with dark bruises under his closed eyes. He was sleeping now, but Tony doubted he'd been sleeping much at all before he'd succumbed to exhaustion. He felt a little guilty, not being there to act as a sleeping buddy.

"Welcome back," Steve said, smiling down at him.

"Hi," Tony croaked, his voice hoarse.

Rhodey helped him with a few ice chips then latched on for a tight hug. He slumped against Rhodey's shoulder, breathing in the scent of Rhodey's aftershave as he curled closer. Even with all the machinery and the IV Tony was hooked up to, Rhodey still gave the best hugs. "Don't scare us like that again," Rhodey said quietly into his ear.

Tony nodded silently, letting the aftershave soothe away the remaining tension. "Did no one gang up on Cap to make him go home?" Tony said after a few minutes with a disgusted sniff in Steve's direction.

Rhodey laughed as Steve's cheeks gained a bit of color. "I went home yesterday to change and sleep," he said stubbornly.

"After Pepper threatened to castrate you with her shoes if you didn't," Rhodey added.

Tony blinked. "Tell Pepper she can't. I need those bits. A good chunk of my future sex life depends on them," he said, forgetting that verbal filters were a good thing when it came to Steve's highly valued privacy.

"TMI, man," Rhodey said, though he was grinning as Steve reddened even more. "Way too much TMI."

Tony just squeezed Steve's hand in reassurance and apology, wondering if he was still a little loopy from being doped up. Steve smiled back, despite the faint blush still gracing his cheeks and the look of fond exasperation in his eyes.

That was when Tony's attention was drawn to a soft whimper. Antonio was clutching at the bed sheet. Nightmare, Tony realized. He started to move automatically to help, but Steve's hand slipped through Antonio's hair before he could, petting the doppelganger softly.

Tony raised an eyebrow. "It usually calms him down," Steve said with a shrug. And yeah, okay. Tony was man enough to admit that he knew exactly the way someone petting his hair could make him feel. He would, however, deny the twinge of jealousy seeing Steve do that to his other self. From the looks of it, he hadn't been able to hide it from Rhodey.

"So when are you going to bust me out of here?" he asked, mostly to keep Rhodey from commenting.

"A week at the _least_ ," Rhodey said sternly.

Antonio calmed, and Steve returned his attention back to Tony. There was longing in those blue eyes as they turned on him. Longing and promises.

Tony thought back to the three words he'd heard when he first woke up. He exhaled sharply. "Tony?" Rhodey asked, pulling back with a concerned look.

"I'm okay," Tony said, giving Steve a hesitant smile. "I'm... I'm good."

* * *

Natasha looked up from the couch where she'd been reading as Tony stumbled into the room. Not Tony. The other Tony. Antonio. Hers was still in the hospital. The ever-present martini glass in his hand was a bit of a relief, especially when they'd all seen how badly he'd been shaking those first hours at the hospital. Cutting off cold turkey would have been just as good as a death sentence for the man.

She hesitated calling out. After what she'd done when she'd found her Tony lying on the ground... "Did they finally kick you out of the hospital?" she asked, not looking up from her book.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Antonio tense at the sound of her voice. "It seems Anthony is insisting he's a big boy now and doesn't need us hovering," he said dryly.

Natasha nodded, not blinking or taking her eyes off the page. If she closed her eyes, she would see her hands around the blue-eyed Tony's neck as her Tony lay prone on the floor, dark and hidden by the darkness in ways that her Tony Stark should never be. The bruises on Antonio's neck had only just started to fade.

Finally she looked up at the man, who was looking at something small in his hand. "I'm sorry," she said, cutting straight to the point.

"What for?" Blue eyes glanced up at her in confusion. She remembered all too well what they'd looked like while he'd still been pathetically calling out for 'Anthony' under her hands.

"I attacked you," Natasha said. "I assumed you betrayed us and hurt our Tony." But that was a lie, wasn't it? Saying that implied rational _thought_ , and she had launched herself on Antonio with a cold-blooded rage that would have done the Hulk proud. She had also thought the worst of him when he'd left the hospital, muttering under his breath random equations. He'd driven himself to the point of near collapse creating the very things that saved her Tony's life, and she had written him off as drowning in his self-pity with vodka.

None of that came close to the sick feeling in her stomach as the shock of what had happened had worn off of Antonio, before Thor and Clint could tear her off him. Blue eyes that were wide, going from unseeing to raw betrayal.

Even now the alternative Tony flinched at the reminder, putting whatever had been in his hand in his pocket. "You were angry," he said after a moment where he visibly composed himself. "I don't exactly blame you."

Which made the whole thing worse. Because he wasn't just saying that to make her feel better. He _meant_ that. And he believed she was right to be angry with him, when it was her Tony that had made the choice not to tell him the truth about what the EMP would do to the arc reactor.

"You should," Natasha replied. "You were in shock and I..."

Antonio's free hand rose, stopping half-way before he put it back down. Natasha could read into the move, though. He'd been about to rub his neck before he realized it would call attention to the bruises. "You were striking out at the person who hurt Anthony," the Antonio said as he gingerly sat down beside her on the couch. "The other you did that for me once. She was probably just protecting her investment, but..."

Antonio closed his eyes, bringing the martini up to his lips. When he brought it back down, he was smiling faintly. "That night she gave me bruises, and a large number of hickeys down my neck. She said if anyone else tried to mark me that wasn't her, she'd make sure the body was never found. It was her brand of sweet and romantic, but I found that possessive streak appealing. Something about knowing someone cared enough to get angry when someone else hurt me."

And how many people had done that in Antonio's life? In _her_ Tony's life? The sickness in her gut twisted painfully at the thought of her other self using that against this Tony. "She never should have done that to you. She didn't deserve to claim you like that," she said, wishing she could erase the marks given to him by another version of herself. This Tony Stark was a wreck of a man who made her Tony look like he'd lived an idyllic life, and he deserved better than what her other self had done to him. What she herself had done to him, creating the bruises around his neck when that was the only skin she could reach through the armor.

"We were fighting Thor at the time," Antonio continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "I watched the footage through her suit afterwards. At one point, she tricked Thor into lowering his guard by saying she was pregnant with our baby after he'd hit her."

It was Natasha's turn to wince. That was a low blow. Antonio was rather blazé about the matter, but she had to wonder if it was an act.

"Afterwards though, I..." Tony said, breaking off suddenly. Natasha started to reach out - Tony Stark always did better with physical affection - but stopped herself before she could make that mistake. The image of that same hand around his neck was too strong.

"I wondered what it would be like, if it'd been true," Antonio admitted softly, looking down at his martini. "She never let me bring it up, and I... Regardless of what Monica said, I'd probably be a terrible father. I still... I wanted it, no matter how selfish that was."

"That's not selfish," Natasha said. She didn't want kids herself, but she respected people that did. Tony - both Tonys - would make very good fathers, if just to spite Howard Stark's legacy. But they both cared, and no matter what other failings they had, they would do anything for a child. "Who's Monica?" she asked, deciding to give Antonio an out if he wanted it.

"The second Black Widow, ex-wife of Nick Fury, mother of his child, and current director of SHIELD," he listed off.

Natasha whistled. That was a pretty impressive resumé. "I wouldn't argue with a woman like that, if she said you'd make a good father."

Antonio shrugged. "She said I was a better father to my brain tumor than Nick Fury was to their own son."

That... did not sound like a compliment. Natasha had no idea what to make of that statement, so she was just not going to touch it. "For what it's worth," Natasha said softly. "I think both you and my Tony would be good fathers."

Antonio put down his drink, reaching out to take her hand. He pressed a kiss to it, shocking Natasha into silence. "You don't have to wear it. You can throw it in a drawer somewhere and never look at it," Antonio said, pressing a small object into her hand - a _ring_ , her mind supplied. "But I want you to have this. You deserve it far more than she did."

"I can't-" Natasha started.

"You can," Antonio replied. "It was her engagement ring. I took it off her when..." He shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. "Not like it matters now. As I said, you can bury it somewhere. Just... keep it. Please."

"I can't be a replacement for her," Natasha said, her throat dry.

"You're not," Antonio agreed. "But I wanted... If I've given my heart to Natasha Romanov, there's at least one universe where she doesn't scorn that. And that's enough for me. I want you to have it."

She looked down at the ring in her hand. It was gorgeous, with enough diamonds to show that it cost a fortune, but not gaudy. It sparkled in the light as she moved it in her fingers, feeling the metal that she knew wasn't gold, but probably something off Tony's armor. "Alright," she said, her voice trembling more than she wanted to admit. "I'll keep it."

"Thank you," Antonio said. He finished off the martini and stood. "And now I'm off to bed before JARVIS rats me out to Steve. He was quite insistent I sleep, though I think he was more upset that Anthony kicked him out as well."

"Good night, Tony," she said, holding the ring tightly in her hand.

He looked back at her, a myriad of emotions rolling across his face. His eyes were a gateway to his heart in that second, broken and so very blue. "Good night, Natasha," he said, his voice carrying a finality to it.

She looked down at the ring again as he left, hoping that some ghost of his had been laid to rest. She wasn't sentimental, but she could appreciate the gesture. "He's still too naive," she said to herself in the quiet that remained. "Too many ideals. He still trusts people too easily. But that's good. The world needs more idealists like him than people like me. And you tried to ruin that." She didn't know if she was speaking to the ring or to herself.

It was a sin she hadn't yet committed, but the lash of conscience gripped her tightly. She was compromised, and she didn't know how to go back to the way things were. And if that was a good thing or a bad thing, she didn't know any more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memory: You should all be happy to know that the angst starts to get better after this. This was probably the worst chapter. XD Also, Ults Steve comes in the next chapter, since Ults Tony has really sort of missed his rendez-vus at this point.
> 
> Anyway, have the quote of the chapter.
> 
> "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."  
> -Dag Hammarskjold


	6. A good enough reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Thanks:** As always, thanks to Narwhale_callin and Salmastyron for the beta. Also thanks to hogwartshoney, Enmuse (Scifiroots), actionfan, kuhekabir, iloome, and CatChan for being kind enough to leave reviews.  
>  **Notes:** So let me start off by saying there's a new tag. It was brought to my attention that I didn't tag for the slight victim blaming in a previous chapter, and it is now marked properly. The character in question is aware that they are doing it because they don't want to think of what is probably closer to the truth, but it's still there. I apologize for any triggering this might have caused, but it's a long fic and I don't always remember everything that goes into it, especially when it's one of the more minor part of the things that go into a long fic. 
> 
> Also, can I just say that life really sucks for posting at the moment? If I don't respond to you immediately, please realize I'm working full time, looking for a new apartment, preparing for the move that has to be done within ten days, and generally trying to sort through life right now. I currently see no problems with updating on time next week, but it'll also be updating in the midst of moving (provided I've even found an apartment by that time) so if it's late, I apologize. I do promise you will get the last chapter however. This fic will not be left unfinished. I've got a pretty big track record that you can see by looking through my other fics when it comes to finishing fics, and I don't post what I haven't already finished. So if it does come late, don't worry about it never being finished.

Tony finally convinced everyone that he wasn't going to die if they blinked. It was hard work, especially with Rhodey and Bruce, but he won out in the end without having to call hospital security to forceably remove them from his room, which he counted as a plus. Several hours of arguing finally convinced everyone to leave, and no, he was not going to ruin all of that by calling one of them up to say he was lonely in the cold hospital room.

That didn't mean he wasn't tempted.

The hospital itself wasn't bad. The room was plush enough for someone with his kind of money, and all the annoying machines that beeped were either gone or muted. Tony didn't _like_ hospitals, but he knew that the others weren't going to let him out without the doctors' permission, and Tony knew when to pick his battles. Getting out early wasn't worth making Pepper worry more, not when he'd nearly died. He'd made her cry enough. Besides, if he tried to sneak out, Steve would haul him back and then he'd definitely have babysitters twenty-four/seven.

That didn't stop the hospital room from feeling gapingly empty with everyone gone though. He tried to think of it as a hotel room, but that illusion never lasted long enough to work. There was no JARVIS to talk to here, and it was colder than he liked, even though the room temperature was normal. It was dark, the only light coming from the arc reactor, and it was cold, and he really wanted to be at home, because home meant a Tower full of people who actually liked Tony rather than a building full of strangers who were just one tabloid paycheck away from earning some quick cash.

He sat up immediately when the door slipped open, figuring it was one of the nurses come to check on him. Instead of a nurse, however, his own face was starting at him, back lit from the lights in the corridor. Tony forced a scowl on his face. "I told you I don't need a babysitter," he said, because of course he couldn't just keep his mouth shut when opportunity presented itself.

"And what if I need one?" Antonio said, moving out of the doorway and closing the door behind him.

Now lit by only the arc reactor and the small lights from the remaining machines, Tony could see the still dark circles under his eyes. "You haven't been sleeping," Tony said simply, knowing far too well how that felt. When the long hours turned to days down in the workshop as he desperately tried not to think about water or dying among the sea of stars, Tony didn't sleep either.

"Every time I try, I see Natasha as she shot Jarvis through the head," Antonio said quietly. "I see Greg as Thor electrocuted him, or as he was charred, lying in the hospital bed as I told them to turn the machines off. I see a kid I should have trained better, because we failed to be there when he needed us. I see Anthony disappearing and Reed standing over me, opening up my brain to kill both me and Anthony completely. I see Steve not breathing under the water because I couldn't get to him in time. I see _you_ , lying there because I..."

Tony felt his voice catch in his throat, too many emotions racing through him to speak. His other self had screwed up as much as he had. Tony Stark, the eternal fuck-up in every dimension. Would either of them be able to get it right?

"To sleepless nights," Antonio said, raising a flask he pulled out of his suit and swallowing about a shot's worth of whatever alcohol was in there.

"I'm okay," Tony said, scrambling for what ever comfort he could offer. "I'm not... You saved me too."

"You nearly died because of me," Antonio said. "And all I could do was sit and watch them discuss your living will."

"I'm fine now," Tony repeated, swallowing heavily.

"No, you're not."

"Excuse you, I'm _always_ fine. Anyone would tap this," Tony said, doing a little shimmy in bed. "Even you. And I'm as fine as we normally are." Which, admittedly, wasn't very fine at all. He slept just as much as Antonio did and was just as broken. But he had his baseline, and that was what counted.

His doppelganger sat beside him, and Tony could see the minute shaking running through his shoulders. He passed Tony the flask with trembling hands. "Is that so?" he asked dryly. "And what's normal for us?"

Tony braced himself for what he was about to say. He had never said this to anyone else, but he could admit it to himself, right? "I see the men and women who were killed by my weapons while protecting me," he said quietly. "I feel the water in my lungs and hands on my back keeping me under. I feel the burning of the battery as it was shoved into my chest to keep me alive. I see..."

Tony broke off. He felt an arm snake around him, pulling him close. "I see Yinsen dying," he continued. "And I smell people burning. I never could put the flame thrower back on the armor. I see Obie standing above me as he took the arc reactor out, and I see his face as he fell. I see an alien spaceship exploding because I chose to kill them instead of letting New York burn. I see the stars, cold and far away. And I die alone, because not even JARVIS can reach me out there and I'm fucking terrified of that. And I see a blue sun dress, spotted in red, with Jasmine's hand severed and lying a few feet away. Always because of my weapons."

He threw back the flask, relishing the burn down his throat. Tony was shaking now as well, and it was all he could do to screw on the top the flask and lean into his other self's shoulder. "No matter what I do, it's never enough," he whispered. "And I'm alone and I can't..."

"You're not alone," Antonio said. "You have Steve and Rhodey, Pepper and Happy, and all of the Avengers. You have them."

"And what about you?" Tony asked, not able to agree with his other self's words just yet. "Are you alone?"

"I don't know," Antonio said, his voice small. "I suppose I'll see when I get back. But I don't... After seeing things here, I don't know. I might not be as alone as I thought I was."

Tony had no reply to that. He curled himself around Antonio and leaned them back against the bed. He could feel the nanites chattering at the close encounter with someone else's nanites, which was _weird_ , but it was a feeling he could get used to.

"You want to sleep after that conversation?" Antonio said incredulously.

"No," Tony admitted. "But I want..." He didn't know what he wanted, but he did know he didn't want to be alone right now. And for once in his life, he knew he wouldn't betray himself.

He felt a soft kiss on his forehead as the other Tony gathered him closer. "Alright," he whispered.

It was a long time before they both stopped trembling. Even longer before they fell asleep. But that was fine, because the hospital room didn't seem quite as lonely any more.

* * *

Steve knocked softly on the door to Tony's room. The nurse said he'd been sleeping during the last round, so Steve didn't want to wake him. When he got no response, he slowly inched the door open, peering in to catch a glimpse of the familiar blue light. He wasn't quite prepared for what he saw.

There were two Tonys instead of one, curled around each other on the bed, their hair mussed and a metal flask between them. Steve was going to have some strong words with both of them about drinking while medicated, but for now Steve was content to watch over them.

They looked like a pair of brothers separated at birth who couldn't bear to be apart again. If it hadn't been for the fact his Tony was wearing jeans and a t-shirt Rhodey had brought in while Antonio wore a suit, it would have been hard to tell them apart at first glance. The signs were there though. There were extra laugh lines around his Tony's eyes and a slight hint of grey that he would deny until the sun went nova. The obvious weight loss from Antonio's bulkier frame and the gaunt lines of sickness gave him away. Steve had had more than a few dirty thoughts about the pair of them over the past couple of weeks, but this was a moment that felt too sacred and precious to break.

Steve stepped into the room, taking his normal chair by Tony's bedside. He wanted to take Tony's hand - it felt strange to be sitting here without it, after holding it for so long - but the hand was currently tangled up between them, and Steve wouldn't break them apart. He leaned back in the chair, enjoying the moment of peace as much as he could. It was a pity he'd gotten in the habit of leaving his sketch book at home, considering one of his hands was usually occupied. He'd have liked to draw this.

It was about an hour later when Steve heard the door creak open again. He was expecting one of the nurses, since the other Avengers were all going to drop by after lunch. This was no nurse that walked in the door, however.

Steve was on his feet in an instant, not allowing shock to still his movements. He launched himself at the intruder, grappling with him for a few seconds before the man went forceably limp in his grip. "Who are you?" Steve growled.

A pair of very, very familiar eyes glared back at him, and Steve knew he was only holding the intruder because the man allowed it.

"Never took us for being that stupid," the intruder replied. Steve pressed his forearm against the man's throat, but the intruder wasn't intimidated. "And that's not a regulation hair cut."

"Listen, I don't need a lecture from _you_ on-" Steve started.

He was interrupted by the sound of slow clapping. "The punch first, question later response appears to be the same in any universe," one of the Tonys said, probably Antonio by his tone. "Though I'll admit, I'm impressed with _my_ Cap for holding back in this case."

"Stow it, Stark," Steve said. He was surprised by the duality of the sound, until he realized that both he _and_ the intruder had said it at the same time. He growled at the intruder again, and there was a dangerous glint in the intruder's eyes that promised pain. Steve was pretty sure he could take whatever this guy tried to deal out.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Antonio. "As much as I appreciate watching alpha male posturing," Antonio said. "A hospital isn't the best place for it, old boy. I can vouch for him. This is the Steve Rogers from my world, so you can stand down and assume he's not a threat."

Steve glared at the intruder - who he was _not_ calling Steve Rogers - and held him there a moment longer. Before the other man could make good on his implicit threat, however, Steve let go.

He took a few steps back, never taking his eyes off his other self and standing protectively over Tony's bedside.

"Does anyone else feel awkward here?" his Tony asked from his spot on the bed. "Because I feel the awkward. Which probably means a threesome is out."

"Foursome, old boy," Antonio said with a pout. "You can't have all the fun for yourself, you know."

Steve tossed his Tony an exasperated glare. This wasn't the time.

"Shit, the look of disapproval is the same in every dimension," Tony said, looking at the intruder.

"I did warn you," Antonio replied.

"What is he doing _here_?" Steve asked, knowing if he let the Tonys babble, they would get nothing done.

"Collecting him," the intruder... _Rogers_ said, tilting his head in Antonio's direction. "You're late for the rendezvous, Tony."

Antonio looked down. "Things got complicated," he said.

"How did you get this close without anyone noticing?" Steve growled, wrenching control of the conversation back.

"We look the same so long as I keep my cowl on," Rogers replied. "Besides, who stops Captain America to ask for an ID?"

Steve gritted his teeth. He was going to have a very long talk about security and knowing who was already in the building with Fury when this was all over. Not that he hadn't taken advantage of the lack of ID check before, but security breaches like this shouldn't happen.

Antonio sighed. "Knock it off, both of you. The testosterone levels are starting to be stifling."

"Wow," Tony said. "Double the looks of Cap disapproval. That's scary."

"You're not helping," Antonio said as he shot Tony an exasperated glance, but sat back down on the bed when Tony tugged him back down and smiled cheekily at him. "We found the tech, caught the culprits, and saved the day," Antonio said. "Then I was needed here. I'd like to stay a while longer to make sure the nanites work properly. Oh, and tell Monica she's got a mole problem, because there was far too much stolen tech and people here for just one jump."

Rogers's eyes flickered over to Steve's Tony, which raised Steve's hackles for no reason. He moved closer to his Tony, not losing the tension in his shoulders.

His Tony rolled his eyes, but he took Steve's hand, massaging his palm gently. He placed a hesitant kiss to Steve's palm. Steve felt himself melt a little, smiling down at Tony. He was being ridiculous, wasn't he? Steve could deal with his other self. They'd just gotten off on the wrong foot.

Then he looked up and decided that it wasn't the wrong foot. The look of disgust was quickly hidden on his counterpart's face, but it was enough to send Steve right back to growling. _This_ was the version of him that saved Bucky? A bigoted adulterer?

"Okay," Antonio said slowly. "Apparently the alpha males need some time to beat their chests and look menacing. Which means you're taking it out of the hospital room before you get us all kicked out."

Steve let Antonio pull him out of the chair, not really connecting the intent until Antonio was pushing them _both_ out the door. "Wait a-"

"I, for one, am down for watching the alpha males parade around so long as ample popcorn is provided," his Tony said as they were pushed out.

"Invalids don't get a vote," Antonio replied over his shoulder. "Think about that next time you lie about your arc reactor."

The door swung shut before his Tony could retort, though Steve could imagine the pout he was sporting. It was nothing like the look of anger that was on Antonio's features right now though. "You two, sort it out. But not in front of him. Anthony was _dying_ only forty-eight hours ago, so you can take your petty arguments and posturing else where."

Steve felt his mouth fall open for a moment, then shut it quickly as he looked down. The nanites were helping Tony recover, but he still needed rest. Arguing with his other self wouldn't help that.

"Christ," Antonio muttered. "Identical kicked puppies."

He turned to go back to the hospital room, but Rogers took his arm. Steve only just held back slapping his other self's hand away, mostly because of the pained look on his face. "You called him Anthony..."

"It's someone different. Coincidence, that's all," Antonio said, a tight tension in his shoulders.

"Tony," Rogers said softly. "That's not Gregory either."

Antonio deflated, his shoulders slumping as he closed his eyes. "I know," he said. "But this is something I have to make right. Just... give me another week."

The concern in Rogers's eyes surprised Steve. Considering the disgust earlier, Steve would have assumed this much more overtly-flamboyant Tony would have rated disapproval (especially after all Antonio had said about his world's Steve Rogers not liking him very much). Sure, the alternate Tony had mentioned Rogers had been there to stop a few suicide attempts, but Steve hadn't been expecting this level of worry. He let go of Antonio's arm, but didn't relinquish the concern radiating off him. "If you say so, Stark," Rogers said finally, but he didn't look happy over leaving.

Testing out a theory, Steve stepped up, putting a hand on Antonio's back. "Look, we'll take care of things with SHIELD. Watch over him for me?"

Steve was not a petty man by nature, but he was a bit smug when Rogers growled quietly.

Antonio watched Rogers, then turned to Steve with a calculating look in his eye. Steve, in return, did his best bond-selling smile paired with an innocent expression. If the raised eyebrow he received in return was anything to go by, Antonio was not fooled and not impressed, but he let it pass without comment, which Steve was willing to count as approval.

Rogers hadn't missed the exchange either, if his scowl was anything to go by. "Just don't kill each other," Antonio said, shaking his head in exasperation as he went back into Tony's hospital room.

Which left Steve staring down an angry version of himself. An angry version of himself who had an affair, had been President, and saved Bucky. It kind of grated on Steve's nerves that Rogers had all of that when Steve had been left with an empty future until he'd started to let the other Avengers in. Rogers had every thing dropped into his lap, while Steve had to sort through the broken pieces.

"You and this world's Stark-" Rogers started.

"You and a _married woman_ ," Steve tossed back before Rogers could finish that thought.

That got a reaction out of Rogers, though the look of pure grief was unexpected. It was quickly replaced by anger. "At least I wouldn't hit her like her husband did," Rogers spat back.

Her husband hit... Steve didn't know if that was worse because Rogers was clearly taking advantage of her, or if the niggling feeling in the pit of his stomach was saying how he might have done the same. He hadn't counted on the grief either, though maybe he should have, given Antonio's reaction when he'd mentioned it the first time. Neither of them were very good with falling in love with someone on the straight and narrow, it seemed.

"Your Tony," Steve said, looking away. "He said... How is Bucky, in your world?"

"Were you in love with him too?" Rogers asked.

The nurse who walked by wisely ran the other way when she saw Steve clocking another Captain America.

Rogers straightened up, touching his bloodied lip absently as he spat some of the blood into a near by waste basket. He glared at Steve but didn't answer the question. He also didn't take a swing, which from what Steve had heard showed remarkable restraint. "Let's go," Rogers said.

Steve walked by his other self without a backward glance.

* * *

"Okay," Clint said as he sat down next to Natasha. "Does anyone else think it's weird that the Tonys get along, but the Caps hate each other's guts?"

Natasha looked up from her nails, not pleased to be interrupted. She _liked_ painting her nails. There were many things about being a femme fatale that ended up being necessary evils, but painting her nails (or going with Pepper to have them done), was one of the things she liked. Clint knew better than to interrupt her and potentially make the coats uneven.

Clint held up his hands in surrender. "Hey, I waited until you were done with that nail. I'm just gonna need some help here if this turns into a fist fight, because I have problems taking on one Captain America, much less two of them."

Natasha looked at the screen Clint held up for her to see. On it both Steve Rogers were helping prisoners into the now open portal. The Steve from the other world had shorter hair, but other than that they were extremely hard to tell apart. They were also glaring murder at each other any time they thought no one was looking.

"Go find Thor," she said, starting on the next nail. "I'm not the Avengers nanny."

"Really? You're throwing me under the the bus because your nails aren't done?" Clint asked, rolling his eyes.

"I'm saying they're both big boys who don't need my help if they want to pound each other into the pavement to prove their dominance," Natasha said.

"It is weird though," Clint said. "How similar they are."

Natasha nodded, making long strokes of the brush as she debated if she should ignore Clint. He wasn't going to leave this alone until he got a reply out of her, she decided. If she wanted to be left alone, she would have to respond. "Antonio has been taking pains to keep our Tony's resentment down. Given that he had a twin brother, I'm assuming he wants a different sort of relationship with Tony than what he had with his brother."

"Huh," Clint said, stretching his arms back. "It's just surprising. Tony, for all he seems confident in front of the cameras, doesn't like himself all that much. His skills and toys, sure, but himself? Not so much. Cap at least likes himself well enough. Well, when there's not an alternate version of himself here."

Natasha nodded at his assessment, carefully checking the coat on her nails. "Steve doesn't like things that aren't in his world view. He can accept a lot, but do something he finds morally appalling and he holds a grudge. And he holds _himself_ to a very high standard. It makes sense he won't get along with someone who is just as judgmental as himself."

"What did the Caps do to piss each other off?" Clint asked, baffled.

"Their choices in sexual partners, apparently," Natasha said. It was her turn to roll her eyes.

"Wow," Clint said. "Cap's life is a soap opera waiting to happen. Our Steve though, he's holding up fairly well."

Natasha looked down at the screen, seeing the strained lines around Steve's mouth and the tension in his muscles as he moved. "He's tired," she said, narrowing her eyes.

"Antonio mentioned it after the press conference," Clint said quietly. "Apparently Bucky in that world survived the war."

Natasha waited to finish off her current nail before replying. "Steve knows this?"

Clint nodded. "Antonio's good, but I can tell the difference between when Tony is carefully mentioning something he thinks is important by now. He must have let it slip to Steve without realizing, and he wanted someone else to be aware of the potential problem. Steve knows."

That... put things into a new light. "You should be looking after him," Natasha said.

"Well, I was looking for help with that, but since you're busy doing girly things, I'll go find Thor or Bruce," Clint grumbled. Then softer, "You're going to check in on the Tonys?"

"That was the plan," she replied.

"Should I be jealous of how you and Tony are besties now?" Clint asked.

"Never use that word, Clint," she said, frowning slightly at her drying nails. They didn't look off balance, but she was willing to blame Clint for it anyway, because Clint had grown far too complacent with her recently. A prank was in order, and she knew just the man to go to if she wanted help for this particular prank. Tony was a lot more devious than most people gave him credit for.

"You didn't answer my question," Clint said.

Natasha looked down at the nail polish. Blue. The color of the other Tony's eyes. "He was a mark."

"He's more than that. He always has been."

"He never could stay between the lines," Natasha admitted.

"Maybe he doesn't need to," Clint said softly.

Natasha was quiet for a moment, considering her words. "Doesn't it scare you, what the Avengers are doing to us?"

"A little," Clint replied. He shrugged as he stood up. "But I've never had a proper family before, and I'm willing to try anything once. Besides, I always wondered what having one would be like."

Natasha thought of the ring in her pocket and what her other self had thrown away. She had a chance for a family, so why hadn't she taken it? Had she been too cowardly?

Was Natasha any better than her other self in that regard?

Clint tweaked her nose as he walked by. "Just give it some thought, okay?"

Natasha nodded, glancing down at the screen one last time. "You might want to get back. They're throwing punches," she said, contemplating the nail polish.

Clint swore, racing out of the room as he called for Bruce and Thor. Natasha's hands weren't quite as steady as before when she went back to her nails though, which meant Clint was long over due for a healthy dose of fear of the Black Widow. She glared over her nail polish, plucking out the purple one for later use.

Getting to SHIELD Medical was uneventful. The driver dropped her off without too much traffic and there was added security after the SNAFU with the second Captain America, but that was more annoying than anything. Finally, there was nothing between her and Tony beyond a door.

She opened it quietly, peering inside. The sight that greeted her was endearing. Antonio was curled around her Tony, half-sitting, half-propped up on the pillows, their legs a tangle of limbs. They had three tablets between them, flicking data back and forth between them or simply stealing the tablet right out of the other's hands. Natasha couldn't pretend to understand what they were animatedly chatting about, and though she was trained to memorize conversations regardless of her knowledge of the meaning, she didn't bother remembering the words now.

Instead, she leaned in the doorway, watching the two of them bicker. Her Tony had a frazzled, restless look about him that meant he was going stir crazy and they'd only be able to keep him hospitalized for a short while longer. He had on a black shirt and old jeans that he clutched at when he didn't immediately grab for a new tablet.

Antonio was more relaxed despite the suit he wore, not rising to her Tony's bait unless it was with a good-natured quip. He was smiling, Natasha noted with a start. Not the fake kind Tony gave the press that was this side of brittle, but a real, genuine smile that lit up his blue eyes. He was acting the older brother right now, which was a power relationship she found flipped depending on which Tony was more vulnerable. They were both oddly protective of the other in ways she never would have guessed would happen.

One that she witnessed now, as her Tony noticed her and moved to block Antonio from view after an apologetic glance. She nodded at him, a non-verbal acknowledgement that she understood. He knew she wasn't a threat, but he needed to protect Antonio anyway.

"Natasha," he said casually. They both saw how Antonio's shoulders went rigid at the name. Part of Natasha went dark at that. He hadn't been quite this jumpy around her before. He was tense around her, yes, but now there was a hint of fear that she, not her other self, had put there. She was the only one to blame now.

Her Tony briefly tightened the hug around his other self. "Come to make sure we haven't blown anything up yet?" he asked her cheekily.

"I'd expect a large 'boom' from just one of you," Natasha replied. "With two of you, I expect nothing less than world domination or global extinction."

Tony looked Antonio. "Do _you_ want to take over the world?"

"Too much trouble," Antonio said. "And Pepper would kill me if I handed it all off to her later."

Tony made a face. "Good point. Then in the words of the immortal Tom Lehrer, _We'll all go together when we go!_ "

Natasha raised her eyebrows at Tony's off-key singing. Then she turned to Antonio. "Fury wants you to sign off on the tech and make sure none of it is missing as it goes through the portal."

Antonio looked at her in disbelief. "I somehow doubt that, darling."

Natasha shrugged. "He's willing to put up with losing the tech as long as someone makes sure Steve Rogers doesn't kill himself. The paper work of deciding if that would be a homicide or a suicide would be a bitch."

"Which Steve is picking the fight," Tony asked with a wince.

"Both of them," Natasha replied. "Though it was the other Cap who threw the first punch last time."

They both winced at the words 'last time'. Antonio sighed. "I take it I've been elected to make them behave like mature adults? You do realize what a spectacularly bad idea that is, right?"

"Your Steve is being stubborn. Fury thinks he'll listen to someone from his own dimension. Our Steve will listen to you because of him." Natasha nodded her head towards her Tony, who smiled innocently up at her. "And since neither of them are listening to the rest of us, Fury's run out of options."

"Very well," Antonio said with a toast to her. "One does what one must." He untangled himself from Tony, ruffling his other self's hair with a tender sort of fondness.

He tensed again as he passed her, but when she looked up, she saw a weak smile. It wasn't the smile that he had been giving Tony earlier, but it was a true one.

She felt her neutral expression soften as she reached out, pulling her hand back at the last second because she couldn't take him flinching away from her. He took her hand before she could put it down, kissing it gently. His lips brushed over her ring finger. Then he straightened and left the room.

Natasha stared after him, then down at her hand. Her other self had thrown that away, and there was nothing she could do to fix that. All of her skill set, all of her vast knowledge of how to manipulate people, and she couldn't figure out how to help when it mattered.

She turned back to her Tony, seeing a look of compassion on his face. She sat down on the bed as he made room for her.

That was apparently permission enough for Tony to throw himself into her lap and nuzzle against her thigh. "Pet me," he demanded.

Natasha smiled in spite of herself, which had probably been the point. She ran her hand through the dark hair of the idiot resting his head in her lap. Brown eyes closed in pleasure, and if Tony were a cat, she was sure he'd be purring right now. "I shouldn't be indulging your whims," she remarked dryly.

Tony stuck his tongue out at her. "Whims are threesomes involving bondage kinks. This is an eccentricity," he said. "Besides, it worked."

Tony didn't have to say what worked. So she let him get away with being outrageous and 'eccentric' just this once. She sat there for awhile, watching Tony relax under her fingers. If she kept this up for too long, he'd start to fall asleep, and that would defeat the purpose of her getting him alone here. She also didn't want to bring up the reason she was here, wanting to etch this moment of peace into her memory.

In the end, Tony made the move for her. "So did you come just to pet me into submission or do you have ulterior motives?" he asked.

"What's to say I haven't already gotten what I wanted?" Natasha asked.

"Sweet cakes, if you'd gotten my bank accounts, you'd be leaving me for a younger man."

Natasha's hand froze in his hair and Tony opened his eyes. "Natasha?" he asked uncertainly, knowing he'd made a misstep, but not knowing where.

She could see him working out the implications, however, so she spoke before he could work it out entirely. "You once asked me a hypothetical question."

"Which you answered, and I then twisted it into one of the worst moments of my life," Tony replied, picking up her meaning.

She resumed her petting, both to soothe him and to steel herself. "Now I have a hypothetical question for you. If you had to betray everyone, hurt them in every way you know because their lives and many others hung in the balance, would you do it?"

"Yes," Tony said without hesitation. She looked down at him in shock, seeing brown eyes staring seriously up into hers. "They can hate me as much as they want, but at least they'd be alive and safe enough to do so. That's worth becoming a villain for, and that's what matters."

"And forgiveness after?" Natasha asked. She felt him tense up in her lap, and she continued her petting as his shoulders hunched.

It was a long moment before Tony answered. "There might not be forgiveness to be had. But if there were... I don't know. I don't know if I'd deserve it, after whatever I'd done."

"Saving them doesn't warrant forgiveness?"

"Not always."

Natasha wondered if there would be forgiveness for her in the end. The ends don't always justify the means, though she was more willing than most to bend for that rule of thumb. Her other self had murdered and twisted to get what she wanted, and Natasha was just as able to do those things if the goal was necessary. Was the only difference between them the willingness? Or maybe there was no difference at all.

She felt a hand on her cheek, and she leaned into it. "Hey there, sugar pie," Tony said. She looked down at him again, brown eyes set in concern. "What's this about? You look like you were going down some place pretty dark."

She could tell him. Warn him. Work out a sign of some sort, if not with Tony, then with Clint. Someone who could act when it mattered, then let the others know it wasn't the truth. Except that no act would be convincing enough for some of the leaders of the underground that she knew of. Codes could be understood by the wrong people. Signs were too risky. That was a risk she couldn't take.

Natasha looked away. "He gave me the ring," she said quietly, substituting one problem for another.

"The ring?" Tony asked.

"The engagement ring Antonio gave to his Natasha."

The look of understanding as he connected the dots was both a relief and a disappointment. "Natasha, you wouldn't do what she did," Tony said. "You're not fighting for yourself, not anymore. You wouldn't do what she did, even if you did have to go undercover. She murdered because she wanted the money. You're not like her."

"All of you ended up as heroes," Natasha said, playing into the part. "Why didn't she?"

"The other Bruce didn't," Tony replied, looking away. "So it's not just you. Different worlds, different people. Come on, let's see the ring."

"Bruce, huh?" Natasha asked, but Tony didn't look like he wanted to talk about it. 

She pulled the ring out of her pocket, holding it out for Tony to see. He whistled lightly. "This cost a fortune," he said.

"He said to keep it," she replied. "That it didn't matter if I never looked at it again, but to just..."

Tony sat up, and she leaned into his shoulder. While they only had one night of sharing a bed, the sense of intimacy with Tony had never really faded. The only other person she was this intimate with was Clint, and he had taken years to get that close. They had both been wary of hurting each other. Tony had only needed one night where he was open and vulnerable, letting her in. Natasha hadn't counted on that doorway working both ways, but it was nice.

"What do you want to do with it?" Tony asked.

"I don't know," she admitted. She wasn't a sentimental person by nature. Sentiment too often tied her down in ways she couldn't afford. But this was different. Whether it was a lesson or... or a favor for a friend, she couldn't say, but she couldn't just toss it out.

"I could put it on a necklace for you," Tony offered. "It's not gaudy enough to really stand out, which I'll admit was a bit of a surprise. Probably something Pepper had a hand in, rather than Antonio."

"You think I should keep it?"

"I don't know either," Tony said. "It's up to you. But I can see why he gave it to you, is all."

Natasha felt her breath catch. "And why is that?" she asked, her voice soft and low, as if she couldn't quite dare to ask.

"You're not her," Tony replied calmly. "You may have been like her in the past, but you're not her now. Never have been."

Natasha laughed softly. "And that's enough reason to hand over something that's worth a small fortune?"

"It's a good enough reason for me," Tony replied.

He handed the ring back to her, and this time when she closed her eyes, she saw blue, not brown in her memories. She wasn't sentimental, but even Natasha was willing to have a reminder. Because when that day came, she would need all the reminders she could get that she wasn't the same monster that would kill Clint's family and put that wounded look in Tony's eyes. Someone was willing to believe she wasn't that person, despite the fact he had every reason to assume it. Natasha wouldn't throw that away.

"Lie back down," she commanded, lifting off his shoulder. Tony grumbled a little at the movement, but that was soothed away with a few passes through his hair. "I might take you up on that," she said after a few minutes.

"On what?" he asked sleepily.

"On making a necklace for the ring."

Tony smiled at her, bright and open in the way that Antonio hadn't been able to be. For one brief moment she wondered if she could have fallen in love with this man. She dismissed the thought just as quickly as it came - she'd kill Tony before the end of the first month of dating him, because honestly she didn't know how Pepper put up with the insufferable idiot for that long. Steve patience was just barely up to the task as well. It was a nice dream, but not one she could realistically entertain.

What they had now, however, that she would keep as long as she was able to. Though the position was awkward, she managed to lean down, kissing the top of his head. "Go to sleep, kotyonok."

"Mm. It _is_ comfy," Tony said, nuzzling further into her thigh.

"Just remember how easily I can kill you with them," Natasha said in retaliation.

Tony laughed, a happy, relaxed sound that she'd been missing since the incident with the little girl. He wasn't over it, not by a long shot, but he was finally getting better. "I'll keep that in mind," he said. "Wonder if Thighs of Death are more deadly than a bed of nails."

Natasha smiled. "This is a better way to die. It's more comfortable."

"There is that," Tony agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mem: And that's the chapter. All that's left is the epilogue, so yay for that! Anyway, as I said earlier, I see no current problems with updating next week, but that's currently up in the air as to how much things will work out. So keep in mind if it does come a little late. I promise not to leave this unfinished though.
> 
> Quote of the Chapter: (some advice for Steve)  
> "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself."  
> -Mark Twain


	7. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Thanks:** Many thanks to Salmastryon and narwhale_callin for the betaing. Also thanks to actionfan, Salmastryon, and iloome for commenting on the last chapter. It was apparently not a well beloved chapter, but hey. You win some and you lose some, right? Also many thanks to those who have been reading from the beginning, and those who have just started.  <3  
>  **Notes:** So I apologize for this being late. This has not been a good week. I don't know why I thought anything in China would actually go smoothly.  >.> It was to the point where I had to decide between rushing a post and adding more stress to my life, or waiting on it and posting when I could actually enjoy things. I chose the latter. I do have a new apartment though, and hot water. Hot water is important. I have to say, I'm not missing the roommates who smoke. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm sure you care less about my life sucking recently, and more about the final chapter. It was a long road, and I'm still not entirely sure I like how the ending turned out, but it is here at last.

When Tony was finally let out of the hospital, he was heralded back to the Tower with no small amount of fuss. Tony, being a pro at dealing with the other Avengers by now, basically gloated about the others' mothering of him until they finally went away. He was surprised to find the last to leave was the glowering Other-Steve. "Are you going to just stand there, or are you going to have a drink with me?" Tony asked finally, breaking the ice.

"You shouldn't be drinking at all," Steve said with a long suffering-scowl that Tony assumed was more directed at his other self, but he pulled up a chair. Tony poured him a drink, then one for himself - good scotch, not the vodka his other self was so fond of.

"And yet you'll still drink with me. My, what morals will we be compromising next?" Tony asked, looking up at the other Steve through his eyelashes and batting them.

"Shut up, Stark," the other Steve said, but he had a familiar sort of exasperated fondness that Tony could see through. Whatever his Steve had said about this one, he couldn't be _that_ homophobic if he put up with any version of Tony. And Tony had heard _lots_ about how insufferable Other-Steve was from his Steve. It was a bit strange to finally be alone with the other Steve, after all the rants he'd heard.

As far as Tony could figure, this Steve was a bit of an ass, but not much worse than that. Tony could appreciate a bit of an ass. Especially when it was Captain America's ass, though he'd admit the buzz cut the other Steve sported would horrify Tony's hair stylist.

Steve was staring pensively into the scotch. Tony was surprised to find his Steve wasn't hovering over them, since his Steve made sure this one hadn't had any time alone with Tony yet. But this was a new curiosity, and Tony fully intended to make use of the opportunity. "What can I do for you, Cap?" he asked.

Eyes that were both familiar and alien looked up at him. "The other you, how much has he been drinking?" Steve asked, his eyes cold.

Tony was taken aback by the gaze, uncertain of how he should react to that. "Not as much as he had been."

The cold gaze melted into something softer, more like relief. "Has he let you run any medical tests?"

At this, Tony shook his head. He knew what Steve was asking, but he had no more clue of the status of his other self's cancer than Steve did. "Said he wasn't going to be here long enough to bother, but I've had JARVIS run some background scans while he's been here. It's not a lot of data to work with, but he's probably in remission from the best we can tell."

Steve sighed, closing his eyes. "I wish I could say that was a good sign, but..."

The alternate Tony had definitely been a bit peculiar on the subject of his cancer. "Why wouldn't this be good?"

"I think he's still hoping for that tumor to come back," Steve said. "I never trusted Anthony myself, but Tony..."

Tony blinked. Then he blinked again. "What does the tumor have to do with Anthony?"

"The tumor _was_ Anthony," Other-Steve said. "Or an infinity gem, I guess. It was destroyed with all the others from what Tony said, but I think he's still hoping for Anthony to come back."

Tony's mouth fell open. Then he snapped it shut. He resolved to never let Clint hear of this, and he threw back the scotch. "The other me had a talking brain tumor named Anthony who died," he said, still not wrapping his mind around it.

"That's what we've figured, since Director Cheng hasn't heard from Anthony in a while and Tony's been pretty tight-lipped about it. Has he said anything to you?" Steve asked. Tony wondered if his Steve was this meddling behind his back. It was kind of nice knowing Steve cared, even if it had been him, Tony probably would be furious.

Tony shook his head in answer to the question. "Only that Anthony was his best friend, past tense."

"That's more than he's told us." Steve sat back in his chair. "Since he's been here has he tried to..."

Extremely meddling. Tony couldn't find the heart to withhold the information though. "Yes," he said flatly. "If it helps, he's been pretty passive about it when we've intervened." Not that Tony didn't understand. While he wasn't as bad as his other self, his stunt with the arc reactor also said he wasn't much better. His Steve had told Tony about how his other self had stopped drinking altogether too. Like he hadn't deserved to out with alcohol poisoning anymore, not if a more painful death was an option.

Tony wondered what he would have chosen for himself.

Tony didn't mention any of that, however, and he could see the relief again in the other Steve's eyes. He must have been expecting a lot worse. Steve put a hesitant hand on Tony's shoulder, squeezing lightly in thanks. It wasn't a light caress to his cheek that his Steve might have given him, but it was enough to draw him out of his thoughts.

"Tony's one of the few things left keeping Thor tied to us. If both of them left... The Ultimates are about all I have, since being around me put Bucky in danger. Going off on my own only made things worse last time."

Tony contemplated the Steve in front of him, openly showing grief and worry. His Steve packed everything away, opening up very rarely. "You're so much more expressive than my Steve is," Tony found himself remarking, though maybe it wasn't that he was less expressive, but quieter. Because he didn't doubt for one second that this Steve wasn't as emotionally constipated as his Steve was, but this one was willing to show that, maybe not to everyone, but to a few. He wasn't as good at packing things away, and his heart was worn much closer to his sleeve than his Steve.

"That why he's got a stick shoved up his ass?" Steve said with a snort.

Tony knew for a fact that this Steve had just called the kettle black, but he shrugged in response. "There's a few other things I'd rather-"

" _Stark_ ," Steve said, disapproval written over his face.

Tony smiled cheekily in return, returning to his earlier good humor. "You did ask. I just... You have your Bucky, and he survived the war, right? I wonder if that made a difference."

Steve grunted, finishing off his drink in a clear signal that this conversation was off limits. Definitely still emotionally constipated. "You never have any beer," Other-Steve complained.

"Au contraire," Tony said, standing up and making his way to the bar. He grabbed a beer can out of the fridge and tossed it to Steve. "Clint is a philistine and he converted Thor to a few European brews."

Steve caught the can with a faint smirk on his face. "Thanks for the tip." Then he looked longingly at the TV, which Tony was admittedly surprised over. His Steve didn't exactly hate modern television, but he'd never looked at it _longingly_ before.

"The only thing that's on right now would be soaps and daytime TV," Tony warned.

At this, Steve puffed up to his most manly and intimidating pose. "What's wrong with soaps?"

Tony was _never_ letting his Steve live this down. "Absolutely nothing. I'm sure _Days of Our Lives_ would have been cancelled by now if there was. The remote is to your left."

Tony mixed himself a proper martini as the sounds of two women yelling at each other drifted over from the television. He really needed more alcohol if Other-Steve was going to watch day time TV.

He was saved by his own Steve walking in just as Tony sat down. He waved over his martini, mouthing 'play nice'. Then he leaned back and prepared to watch his own soap opera, which comprised of two ridiculously sexy twins arguing.

He wasn't quite prepared to be dragged into the middle of them, however, as his Steve grabbed him around the waist and pulled him closer as he... Did Steve just _growl_? Tony didn't put much stock in overly-jealous behavior being seen as romantic and he was of half a mind to bring this up later as things Steve would have to work on, but right now he couldn't help but be a little delighted by the casual possession. His heart rate sped up as Steve's arm wrapped protectively around him. "I thought you were leaving," his Steve said to his counterpart.

The other Steve snorted, not looking up from the fight on TV that now included some young guy. "Not going back without Tony, and he's leaving tomorrow," the other Steve said.

Tony felt a pang at that. He'd be back to sleeping by himself again, since current cuddling aside, he doubted either him or his Steve were willing to take that step yet. The lab would go back to seeing use every night.

"He's safe with us," his Steve grit out. "Unless you're so bigoted that-"

"Talk to the hand, mister," the other Steve said. "I want to find out what William does."

"You-" Steve started, turning a furious shade of red.

That was about as long as Tony could hold out before he doubled over laughing. By the time Tony wiped the tears from his eyes, his Steve was sulking and the other Steve was looking mildly annoyed by the outburst. "Christ, Cap," Tony said. "You can't just say things like that without warning. Though I have to say, whoever introduced you to the 90s was pure genius."

"You done braying like an ass?" the other Cap asked suspiciously.

"For now," Tony said with one last chuckle. He leaned back against his Steve, patting the arm around his waist. "Come on, Steve. Let's leave your other self to the bonnie William."

The other Steve snorted, obviously dismissing them now that he found out what he wanted to know and had his soap opera fix. Before his Steve could take offense, Tony wiggled out of his grasp and pulled him him to his feet. They left before either of the Steves could start another fight. His Steve trailed behind him, obviously still sulking. "Oh, come on," Tony said. "He's not that bad."

Steve snorted, reminding Tony very much of the Steve they'd just left. "That's what you think. I don't trust him."

"Now you're just being obstinate," Tony said, pivoting around to face his Steve. "If I told you that while he's not that bad, I definitely like you better, would you stop sulking?"

"I'm not sulking," Steve said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Of course not. Captain America broods manfully," Tony said with a snicker. He got a glare for his troubles, but Tony felt his heart skip in a way that wasn't due to the arc reactor as he considered his next move. They weren't ready for this but...

"And what if I were to do this?" Tony asked. He leaned forward, kissing Steve chastely. His eyes slid closed as Steve's hand went to the small of his back and pulled him closer, sighing into the kiss.

Tony was tired of not being ready.

* * *

The next day Steve was quietly relieved to see their alternate counterparts off. One Tony was a handful to deal with, and while Steve liked Antonio Stark, even the serum's enhanced stamina could only keep up with two Tonys for so long. And Steve was definitely _not_ going to think about the unintentional innuendo of that statement. Well, not outside of the privacy of his shower, at least.

Shoving away his decidedly impure thoughts, Steve focused on the fact that his other self (bigoted, meat-headed _bully_ ) would be leaving today as well. While Steve could admit he'd miss the other Tony, he would not be saddened by the loss of his adulterating other self in the slightest.

With the tech and those responsible for stealing it already on the other side of the glowing white portal to await trial, all that was left was to say good-bye. The other Avengers, Rhodey, and Pepper all turned out to see the two dimensional travelers off in the Avengers' living room.

"It was good to meet you," Pepper said, holding out her hand. Rogers shook it, while Antonio kissed her hand with a rakish smirk that earned him a gentle thwap on the head from Pepper.

Antonio just kept smiling. "Anthony is on to something by putting you in charge, Ms. Potts," he said. "I shall have to remember this."

Pepper just groaned as Rhodey pulled the other Tony into a hug. "I'm sure the me in your world will appreciate that," she said dryly.

"Speaking of our other selves, don't let the other me get away with leaving you," Rhodey said. "I'm not saying take him back, but show him what he's missing."

Antonio held on tightly, burying his face against Rhodey's shoulder like it would be his last chance to soak up Rhodey's comfort. "I'll keep that in mid," Antonio said, pulling away reluctantly.

The other Avengers said quick farewells, only Natasha hanging back. The look of distrust was clear on Rogers's face, but Antonio stepped forward with a sorrowful smile. He flinched as Natasha raised a hesitant hand to touch his cheek, but he held it there when she started to pull back. "Tony..." she said, her voice lost.

"Always beautiful," he said, leaning into her hand. "Everything else may change, but that fact always stays the same."

Natasha pulled her hand away, leaning up on tiptoe to whisper words Steve couldn't hear into Antonio's ear. His eyes grew wide as Natasha pulled back, kissing him on the cheek. The smile he offered in return was a weak, fragile thing, but beautiful. He watched as Natasha's breath hitched, and Steve had to resist the urge to pull his Tony into a tight hug and not let go.

When Antonio came to him, Steve felt his mouth go dry, unsure of what to say. The man who stood before him was so very much like the man he loved, but also so very different. Steve wasn't sure how he should feel towards Antonio Stark. The word 'friend' seemed both inadequate and too much for the few weeks he'd been in this world.

Antonio smiled at him, winking cheerfully. "Don't wait too long to make a move on the other me, old boy," he said conspiratorially, holding out his hand. When Steve reached out to shake it, however, he found himself being drawn into a hug.

He returned it awkwardly, unsure of the protocol here. If there even was protocol for a situation like this. "Hang in there, soldier," Steve said softly, knowing all too well how fine this Tony walked the line at night.

Antonio pulled back, giving him a mock salute. "I shall endeavor to obey, Captain," he said, but Steve could see the promise in his eyes. He hoped that Antonio's time in this world had helped, even if just a little.

Tony snorted. "Like we've ever been good at following orders."

"Touché," Antonio replied.

Rogers glared at him. Steve didn't offer his hand, perfectly willing to go back to ignoring the fact his other self existed. He'd much rather say good riddance than good-bye.

Neither Tonys missed the slight, but other than a raised eyebrow from his Tony and a soft chuckle from the other, they didn't comment.

"So you're going back," Tony said to the alternate one.

"Yeah," Antonio said in an out rush of breath. His Tony hesitantly took a step forward, and that seemed to be the only cue needed because within a heartbeat they were in each other's arms.

"Jasmine wasn't your fault," Antonio whispered, and Steve was just close enough to pick it up.

Tony bit off a disbelieving laugh. "Anthony's death and shorting out the arc reactor wasn't yours," he replied. Steve ached a little knowing neither of the Tonys actually believed those reassurances. They clung to each other for a few seconds longer, before his Tony started to step away.

Then Antonio stole a glance back at Steve, a startlingly mischievous glint in those blue eyes. Uh-oh. "Just so you know what you missed out on, _soldier_ ," Antonio said with a wicked smile. He stepped back into Tony's personal space, hand resting right on his ass.

"Now, wait-" Tony tried to say, but he was cut off with an indignant noise as he was dipped back and kissed thoroughly. _Extremely_ thoroughly. Tony's eyes fluttered shut as he sighed into the kiss, giving in as Antonio got a tighter grip.

Steve felt the blood flow straight south as his brain short circuited. He was instantly, _painfully_ hard, and _Christ_ , was that... There was definitely tongue involved. Steve still hadn't gotten involved with Tony's tongue yet. Vaguely, he was aware of someone wolf whistling, but he was too caught up in the fact that Antonio was sucking on Tony's tongue and how his Tony gasped as the other pushed in again.

When Antonio pulled up, Tony crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking distinctly unimpressed despite being on just the wrong side of debauched. Steve was going to have to spend the next day in the shower. One very long, very hot shower. Because that mental image was burned against his eyelids and he didn't think it was going away any time soon.

"You're incorrigible," Tony said as Steve tired to inconspicuously take his shield off his back.

"We both are, old boy. Never forget it," Antonio said as he waggled his eyebrows. "Also, check his pants before you assume he's angry."

 _That_ , at least, caused some of the blood to migrate back upwards to his face. Steve only just brought the shield down in front of him as his Tony turned around to see. From the considering look he received, Tony wasn't fooled and he doubted any of the others were either.

"That was more than I needed to know about Cap's sex life," Clint complained, confirming Steve's fears.

Rogers huffed, pulling Antonio by the collar of his suit jacket towards the portal. Steve knew that face he was making. He was pretty sure he wasn't the only one affected by the Tony's little display. "I think we've had enough of your tomfoolery, Tony."

"Rogers," Steve bit out, watching the other him stop and turn with a calculating expression in his eyes. Steve hesitated, but met his other self's eyes. "Take care of him."

Rogers looked at Anthony, a brief look of fondness softening his features. Then he grunted, gesturing towards Tony. "You do the same."

They nodded at each other, accepting the pact for what it was. He may not like his alternate self, but at least Steve could trust him to take care of Tony.

Speaking of Tony, his Tony had his arms crossed over his chest again and was huffing. "I love how they both assume we can't take care of ourselves."

Antonio smiled, patting Rogers on the arm. "Let them have their manly bonding, Anthony," he said. "It makes them feel better to think they're protecting us, and it gives us time to take them by surprise."

"Come on, Stark," Rogers said, dragging a cheerfully waving Tony through the portal at last. It flickered briefly, then disappeared.

Steve let out the breath he hadn't known he'd been holding as the others started to disperse. Rhodey and Natasha lingered, and Steve saw why when he noticed Tony was still staring at the place where the portal had been. He nodded to them to say he'd take care of it, before they both left as well. Only Natasha glanced back at them as she walked out.

Steve set his shield down, moving to stand behind Tony. He pulled the genius against him, reveling in the shiver that went through Tony as he discovered Steve's still half hard cock. But Steve didn't make a move to relieve it, and Tony relaxed in his arms.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" Tony asked quietly.

"Yeah," Steve replied, wrapping his arms tightly around Tony. His Tony. "He's got the other me and Thor to look out for him, and he knows where to find us now too. He'll be okay."

"And us?" Tony asked. "I... I'm bad press as it is, Steve. And I'm a mess. I don't know if..."

"We're both a mess," Steve said. "But I think it's sometimes easier to pick up someone else's mess than it is to deal with your own, so maybe we can pick up each other."

Tony groaned, his arms falling over Steve's and tracing them lightly. "You're such a sap," he said, rolling his eyes. But his lips were smiling, and Steve reached around, taking Tony's chin and tilting it so he could steal a kiss. He was not going to think of the orange vodka he could still taste on Tony's lips. Tony laughed into the kiss, proving he hadn't missed the twitch.

When Steve pulled back with a soft chuckle, Tony turned in Steve's arms until they were facing each other. He rubbed Tony's back as the other man wrapped his arms around Steve's waist, pulling them close until they were cheek to cheek. Steve held on, feeling the repressed tremors from Tony as they both stayed there. He started swaying them softly as he hummed a half remembered melody his mother used to sing.

"Did I mention you were a sap?" Tony asked, his voice a little shaky. But he didn't move away as Steve kissed his temple.

After a few minutes with his eyes closed as he committed the feel of the arc reactor and Tony's chest pressed against his to memory, Steve opened his eyes to see a vase of flowers on the counter that he hadn't seen before. He stilled, wondering when they'd gotten there. There had been so many people up here earlier that they must have been blocked from view. The flowers were all of one type, small and white, delicate-looking against the dark vase. Steve felt like he should know what kind they were, but his knowledge of flowers was sadly lacking.

"Those flowers..?" Steve asked.

Tony stiffened in his arms, pulling away. He walked over to them, handing the note to Steve without looking at them. "Dr. Conner sent them when I was in the hospital," he said as he looked away.

Steve looked at the hand written note, reading the words with growing reverence.

' _Dear Mr. Stark,_

_I hope these flowers will find you recovering. The news said you were hurt saving a lot of lives, and I've been keeping you in my prayers._

_Jasmine flowers stand for a lot of things. The scent reminds us of our loved ones when they're gone. They also stand for nobility and grace, traits that I wanted Jasmine to have. Those were things she saw in you, and she wouldn't hear a bad word said about you even by the reporters._

_There's one more thing the jasmine flower stands for, Mr. Stark, and that's divine hope. I know you don't believe like I do, but I know in my heart that my Jasmine was called back to be one of God's angels, and he's sent her to watch over us. Let these flowers remind you not to give that up. If you believe in nothing else, believe in the hope and faith that my family saw in you, and still sees in you._

_God bless,  
Becca Conner_ '

Steve felt his throat close as he looked over the message again, remembering his own mother. She would have liked Dr. Conner. She would have liked Tony too. He was amazed all over again at the strength women like his mother and Dr. Conner showed, all without any of the support and chances that Steve himself had been given.

Steve looked up, seeing those extraordinary brown eyes staring at him, wounded and scared. "I haven't... I haven't read it yet," Tony admitted in a rush. "I don't..."

"Come on, Shellhead" Steve said, his voice cracking on the words. He pulled Tony over to the couch and sat down, giving into the urge to just hold Tony tightly against him. Tony huffed, but let him, still not looking at the card. "I'll read it with you," Steve continued. "Turns out jasmine flowers are pretty swell."

Tony laughed, a little hysterically. He closed his eyes, taking a shuddery breath. "Swell, Cap?"

"Yeah," Steve said, kissing the closed lids hiding the brown he loved so much underneath. He'd come so close to losing this, and he didn't know if he had the strength yet to move on like Dr. Conner did. He was still too raw from losing everyone else. "And they were right, you know. Dr. Conner and the other you. This wasn't your fault. You did everything you could."

Tony opened his eyes but still didn't meet his gaze. That was okay, though. Steve had the time to convince him, thanks to Antonio. "So what makes jasmine flowers so 'swell' anyway?" Tony asked instead of replying.

He had this now, and he would fight to hell and back for it if he had to. And if he fell to pieces like this in the future, he knew Tony would be there to help him pick himself back up. "They symbolize hope," Steve said before he started to read the letter out loud.

~FIN~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memory: And that's the end of it, folks. There ain't no more. Though it's my personal head canon that Ults Tony totally comes back whenever he can't sleep for too long to cuddle with his personal teddy bear. Also, there may have been a sex tape of the Tonys made (with Steve's blessing). Ults Cap was _not_ invited to MCU Steve's personal viewing, but he showed up anyway. It's probably one of the few times the Steves actually bonded. 
> 
> Natasha was given her own tape (also with the blessing of all involved, especially considering she helped film it) and she admits that while it would have never worked out between her and either of the Tonys, watching them have sex is still insanely hot. 
> 
> Clint and Bruce really just don't want to know that much about their team mate's sex lives. Thor doesn't really care either way, as long as his friends are happy. But both the Tonys had a limp for a day or so after, and neither Steve was particularly good at hiding their interest. XD
> 
> And that's the most you're getting out of that head canon, so don't expect me to write it. 
> 
> Anyway, that's the fic. I hope you enjoyed it, and that the feels weren't too bad. Leave a comment about what you think. Also, I'm on tumblr now. You can find me [here](http://memorydragon.tumblr.com/), but be warned that I post other scifi stuff along side my warped avengers head canon and writing updates. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> And now for the final quote of the chapter, have a quote from B5 that I appropriated in this chapter. 
> 
> "You know before I got married, Emily used to come by sometimes to help me clean out my apartment. Well, I asked her, how come you're so eager to help clean up my place when you place is just as bad? She said, because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a mess I have made of mine and when I sweep me floor, all I have done is sweep my floor. But when I help you clean up your place, I am helping you. Of course, the way I lived back then sometimes the mess was to much for both of us, but it sure was nice to have the company."  
> -Reverend Will Dexter, _Babylon 5_


End file.
